acknowledgement

i know that it is going to be a late night ahead and there are things that i need to get done. just taking a break away from everything ....to see if i can return to the right space to get things done.

sometimes......sometimes doing the right thing isn't the most pleasant path to take. i was reminded today that the ethical path is sometimes a rather unpleasant path to take, especially when there are those that are looking for instant gratification or don't really care who else a particular decision negatively impacts....and when you....or in this case i.....stand firm because it is the right thing to do. yet, while i was standing firm......i knew full well that they were going to seek to make me pay for going against them.

....and sure enough.....they did. they didn't even wait that long. i suppose they couldn't wait.

an obvious abuse of power and position. they are rather predictable in their behavior....it is almost comical how predictable they are in their need to lash out and seek revenge for losing face.

i wonder if they really are wondering why their power base is dwindling and why they are becoming marginalized.

perhaps they need to do a bit of self reflection.

because no matter how "charming" they may try to be....there is only so long that one can withhold that deceptive surface and attempt to leverage a facade of insincere pseudo friendliness to get what they want. at some point, people realize when they don't do what they say they will, that a smile hides ill intentions, and they cannot lose a reputation that they never had or built.

again, an indication of their short term thinking.

they should have realized that the only power you have over someone is the power that they give you.

really and truly.

i knew full well what they were going to do to me for not going along with them but i did it anyway.

yet, it doesn't make the interactions with the consequences any more pleasant or easier to deal with. in a sense, i am also annoyed at myself....for feeling tainted by the experience. a taint that i can't seem to wash off. again....the only power they have over me is the power i give them. this is why i'm annoyed at myself for feeling tainted.

it is unpleasant. the confrontation. the games. the consequences. i don't think it is a good idea to underestimate the unpleasantness of it all. i understand why many people avoid it ...i understand why many people will bend or go along with these sort of people.

yet, i also understand why i don't and where it stems from. there is nothing that they can do to me that is worse than what i've already been through in my lifetime and from that...i know that is where my confidence comes from.

it is a bit of overall perspective.

as i took a break away from my place to take a walk, grab some coffee, and write about it here....it feels a bit better....as if the taint is being diluted and is dissipating. perhaps that is what i needed....to just take a break, acknowledge that it just sucks, gain some perspective, and realize that i know that i'll deal with it as it comes.

botched

yeah. it is about 1:30 am. i just finished my "work day" and am winding down for the evening. i sense quite a few similar days like this one until the end of march...which is naturally....the end of the quarter. i didn't leave my place today and found myself quite distracted while i made myself a lunch of egg in a hole. sometimes it isn't such a good idea to be distracted while making lunch as i botched it up.

oh yes i did. something as simple as egg in a hole. i suppose i'm sharing this with you as it doesn't always work out ....but oh well.

i knew how it started. it started with my slicing off a way too thick slice of pain de mie. then i thought, well, i'll just use two eggs.



yeah, the eggs i used where on the smaller side.

then i thought (after i already started) ...."hey...what about if i put in some of the brillat savarin with truffles i have in the fridge?"


i probably should have tried to have everything be the relatively same temperature as well....as opposed to cold eggs and room temp bread....and then have it cooled down some more when i put cold cheese in the hole. i should probably have had the pan be hotter as well when i started.

see what i mean by being distracted by work while trying to make lunch? even a very simple lunch.


sigh.... while i didn't look the way i imagined it would....and should have....it still tasted good.
the brown bits you see in the pic are the super finely minced truffles....which were a lovely addition. i'm also extremely glad that i didn't overcook the yolks....but i still botched it though.

it was actually a pretty decadent lunch.

well, methinks it is time for bed.

nite.

bread. butter. sugar.

i'm procrastinating. there are a few things that i know that i should be getting my head into right now for work....but i'm not really feeling like it. it is such a lovely sunday afternoon. so i'm thinking if i take some time to write a posting and ogle over some pics i've taken, i'll be able to be more stern with myself and ignore the sunny spring like day in san francisco and delve into what needs to be done for work.

there is a snack that i've had since i was a kid that consisted of a vietnamese baguette, butter, and sugar. i don't know if there is a name for it. it is something that my mom made for me when i was a kid and didn't realize that other folks had it growing up until i saw it briefly appear on a vietnamese restaurant menu for brunch as a side dish. i also saw variations of bread, soft butter, and sugar at various bakeries in the mission....and remember thinking that bread, butter, sugar....must be one of the simple comfort foods for many cultures. yet, i never varied from how i made it for myself... some type of baguette (rustic french, pain d'epi, etc.), butter, and sugar....that is until a couple of days ago.

it is funny how cookbooks or what we read have an impact upon us. i finished reading through mission street food by myint and leibowitz recently....which is a great read btw...and there was this recipe for toast crunch which included buttering both sides of thick slices of bread, coating it with sugar, and then using a torch to create a hardened sugar crust. maybe someday i'll try that...but i think what stayed in my subconscious was buttering both sides, then toasting it, and then adding sugar.....so when i was at market yesterday morning, i saw one of the bakers at acme loading up some pain de mie loafs on the shelf. i never noticed them before. when i am at acme, i get into my mode of my usual bread purchases (i.e., rustic baguette, upstairs bread, and the epi) and honestly don't do a lot of looking at other bread options when i'm in my "market mode". then i thought...what if i made some sugared butter bread with thick slices of that pain de mie?


so i did.


when i arrived home and decided to make the sugared toast. i looked at the loaf and thought how my mother would not approve. she pretty much thought soft white loaf breads were crap...which admittedly...the ones that she was thinking about specifically are the "wonder" breads and the like for. acme bread is not wonder bread. one day, i will write a story about how bread can be used as metaphor of a silent yet dangerous war in a multicultural household.

yet, not today.

today, i just want to write about how i came about making spicy sugary buttery toast that i enjoyed quite a bit.

so, i took the pain de mie and sliced off a couple of thick slices. i kept marveling at how soft and spongy it was and the lack of crust. admittedly, i kept poking at it. then, i heavily buttered both sides with soft sorta melty straus butter that i nuked in the microwave earlier. then i toasted it. while it was toasting, i prepped my sugar.

these days, i have various kinds of sugars in my pantry. while a common item i have in my pantry is vanilla sugar (just mixing vanilla bean and baker's sugar), i now also have other flavored sugars which just include mixing an aromatic ingredient like coffee beans, uk black tea, or whole chilies with baker's sugar. my intention is to use them as sugar rims for cocktails to pair with some of the infused whiskeys i made and for anything else i feel like playing with. so i decided to take some of the vanilla sugar and mix it with some ground organic cayenne to add to my toast.



it turned out to be a pretty decadent breakfast....all of that spongy white bread soaking up all of that butter...and the super fine spicy vanilla sugar in all of the nooks and crannies.


after i took a bite, i thought...this is rather great in a "this-is-obviously-not-something-to-eat-everyday-but-if-i-could-get-away-with-it-i-would" kind of way.

to hyang in the inner richmond

last night, sus had access to a car so we were rather enthusiastic about potential places we could go in a car. it was also storming as well. i came up with way out in the boonies suggestions like outerlands....especially since the judah line is running modified service (aka no trains just buses) after 7 on fridays. she pointed out that there would probably still be lines. then i was like, "isn't there some really good korean place in the outer richmond or something?" then she was like...what about that korean place that anthony bourdain and chris cosentino went on layover? so i looked it up on my phone while she was driving. we were both surprised that to hyang was in the inner richmond...which isn't that far out there. yet, we decided to give it a shot and it was serendipitous because we found parking mere steps away from the place.

there are quite a lot of options on the menu.

the folks were really nice. the gentleman that works there was keen on keeping us well stocked with kimchi and pickles.

it should surprise no one that i have a deep and ongoing passion for the consumption of pickles. we ended up ordering braised oxtail, spicy intestines, and a spicy codfish tofu soup....

with some beer for us to sip on.

i thought it was funny that sus recommended this place....although she hasn't seen the layover episode yet. here is the segment of the episode....if you start at mark 11:23....you'll see coverage of the place we went to last night.

shake my head

over my coffee this morning, i was thinking about last night.

last night, the deliciously wicked godfather and i caught up with each other over dinner at sebo. i was pretty surprised that he'd never been before. we ordered the omakase as well as an additional dish of grilled squid. i've ordered the omakase each time i've visited sebo and have never been disappointed. it was a treat to be able to introduce him sebo and see how much he enjoyed it.

as we were noshing our beautiful fresh lovely food, he was asking me how "the food stuff" is going. i mentioned how the blog will be turning four years old on march 19th. then he asked, "how long has it been now?" i really didn't need any clarification for that question. yet, i had to take a moment to really think about it. it has been a bit over four years since the relationship ended between B and myself and a bit over three years since the divorce was finalized. then the godfather said how much happier i seem now than i was when B and i were together.

i couldn't help but give a rather wide cheeky grin at that...because it is true.

then, in order to preempt the upcoming lecture that i knew as coming (aka probing about who i was dating and whatnot), i mentioned that i had some rather odd observations about single people in san francisco that i really had a difficult time understanding. i thought i'd share a few here and then some....because i doubt i am on the only one that has identified these things.

first, there are the "catch and release" games. the uber flirting and actually hanging out/dating for the sake of gaining attention of the intended person but there is no real interest there. none. these are equal opportunity games. both men and women do this. both straight and gay. it appears that the main motivation is to have the other party be interested even though there is no intent for the interest to be returned. it is like the person likes to collect attention or it gives them a sense of power because they got someone to care about them while caring less. yeah, i don't get it....seems like a whole lot of work, a waste of time, and well...just not very nice.

second, there are the "i-like-you-but-i'm-going-to-pretend-that-i-don't-like-you" games. again, these are equal opportunity games as well. it is like they believe the only way to get the other person's attention is to treat them poorly. i don't get these games either. i especially find myself stupefied when i see two people doing this game and i know that they like each other.

third, there are the texting interactions, "hanging out", dating, or whatever ambiguous term they decide to label it...with people they don't like. i mean, really don't like...as in actively not enjoying their company...or finding the company distasteful. my guess on this one is that it easier to have fuck buddy that you don't really like in order to keep it a sex-only interaction and not have any emotional attachment. this is just a guess though, because i don't get it either. from my perspective, sex is really quite lovely when you actually like...(and even better when you actually care about...and be rather mind blowing when you are in heads-over-heels-in-love with) the person you are having sex with.

fourth, there is this idea that a specific relationship or marriage is the objective. this....this....just makes me want to shake my head. from my perspective, serious relationships and/or marriage are a pain in the ass, a hella lot of work, and oodles of compromise. they should only be entered because there is mutual admiration, respect, and the belief that each other are so amazing that it is worth going through all of the hard work that comes with marriage. in other words...."this person is amazing. i love them. i respect them. i want to grow old with them." as the reasons to enter the marriage....rather than "i want to get married and therefore this person is the one i will marry." see the difference? well, i seem to see the remarkable difference. it is like someone is in love with the idea of marriage rather than the person that they seek to get married to.

i actually have more observations as well. yet, i won't go into them. i think i've made my point with these.

i know that i'm a pretty cranky curmudgeonly person. yet, i am a cranky curmudgeonly person that knows that love does exist....and with the right person....there is no feeling that can compare. none.

i would wish for folks to be a bit nicer, more honest, more respectful, as that would make things a wee bit easier for folks to make connections.....yet, i get the odd impression that they wouldn't want it that way. there are many people that like the meanness, the manipulation, the games, and the belief that marriage/serious relationship are major objectives to achieve. they like the status quo that this scene has become.

it makes me sad and just shake my head.

after midnight

hmmmm. so last night....or rather....earlier this morning, i was feeling restless. it was well after midnight and wasn't able to sleep. sometimes that happens. i'm familiar with what i need to do when that happens. i got up, worked on some of my pics of shots.....




i had taken around the city over the past few weeks...





and wrote a bit until whatever what was needed to be addressed was addressed. now, after a few hours sleep and work at the job, i think i know why.


last night i went with some friends to a showing at the sfiaaff and one of the filmmakers mentioned something about people with day jobs taking ownership of being filmmakers or artists. the implication being that the day job was something to fund the true identity of being an artist. i could tell that message resonated with quite a few people in the room. i could definitely see how that would resonate with some people that need to hear that.



well, for me...i disagree. or i disagree with the implication. why does it have to be either or? why does it have to be one thing and not another? why does it have to be defined by these parameters? or to the point...why does my sense of identity of who i am have to be predefined by someone else?

i get that some people need that kind of predefined single aspect to focus on....almost like a box that they can comfortably fit into. a label that they can rally behind. or an identity that they can fit into.

yet, it is not for me. i prefer to have a life where i pursue multiple aspects and passions to create a life and an identity...as they are my life and my identity. i really don't care if other people don't agree or don't get it.

in the wee hours of the morning though, i was a lot less tempered on the whole thing. as i read through what i wrote this morning, i see a lot of raw annoyance.

this is what i wrote....

title: i am not a writer.

i write.

i write because i cannot not write. i write because not to write leaves me restless. i write because not to write leaves me with simultaneous contradictory paradoxical feelings of a nagging loss and being weighted by things i cannot see, touch, hear, or taste.

i always write. i write in public. i write in private. i write even when i do not have a pen in my hand or my fingers on a keyboard. i write in my head while i stand.....ride the bus.....walk up a flight of stairs....any moment and every moment. it doesn't matter.

i write the moment and every moment.

i write not for public approval. i write not for an audience. i write because when i write i am able to be joyously selfish. i write what i want with no compromises. i write because doesn't matter if i am good or not. i write to just write. there is no failure nor success. there is only this intangible high and unquantifiable cathartic release that lulls me.

i am not a writer because to be a writer means to be beholden to expectations of an audience. i am not a writer because to be a writer invites judgment, evaluations, and opinions of others that i'm just not interested in being aware of.

i write and i am not a writer.

punching above my weight

pretty stormy in san francisco at the moment. i've just finished up the first wave of emails and am taking a break to nosh on some leftover quiche that some homies gave to me last night for dinner. i pretty much just crashed when i arrived home last night so i wasn't able to have some until this morning. it is pretty incredibly rich quiche. i think it is from tartine. as i look out onto wet-ladden buildings, noshing...and just thinking about a meeting i had yesterday before sharing some whiskey with some homies and then falling on my bed.

i suppose i should provide some background.

it all began with a panel i was invited to be on at a conference a while back....a panel that relates to what i do for my job. i've been invited to participate in panels before but i declined for many reasons. the main one was because i wasn't in the mood to leave town more than i already have to for work. yet, this one was local and this one was put on for a ginormous global organization.

how ginormous?

last night when i was chatting with one of the homies sipping on some four grain bourbon from hudson and he asked for clarification when i told him what the revenue was for this company. "did you say "b" as in billion?" indeed. the company i work for does not bring in a billion dollars much less multiple of billions of dollars. yet the company the panel was for produces billions of dollars in revenue.

i think i'm a reasonably intelligent person and i have difficulty conceiving of just how much money that is. the thought of speaking to various teams that do what i do for a living and at that level freaked me out a bit and was, from my perspective, the equivalent of me punching above my weight. also, the other folks on the panel were from extraordinarily large organizations as well.

admittedly, that is the main reason why i accepted the panel invite. i'm a big believer in doing what scares me. it didn't mean that i didn't freak out any less about doing it though.

objectively speaking, i know that when i'm on stage doing a presentation or something like this, folks have no idea that i'm not comfortable or that i'm freaking out because it does not come naturally for me. they have no idea how much work i've had to do to even get to that point.

right before the panel began, i was speaking with someone who manages a group in europe. he was talking about how much he'd been looking forward to the panel and hearing my insights. (ummm, ok). my response was how i was a bit surprised at the invite because, from my perspective, it was like i was a line cook being invited to michelin starred restaurant to talk about cooking.

do you see where i'm going with this? while i'm not a cook....but i think everyone could understand my analogy...especially with someone from europe where michelin stars resonate more.

these are companies that can afford the best of everything. they can afford to buy whatever they need. if they want something done, they can just acquire the services to make it happen...and they do. these companies are extremely established in what they have been doing and in the area that i work in.

his response was a bit unexpected and a wee bit unsettling. he chuckled. then he said, "we are all just cooks and what you are doing is very different than what we are doing. while we've been doing this for a long time, we find ourselves in a situation where we need to look at what we do with fresh eyes. this is why you are here."

while i was on the panel, i discovered more about what he meant by the questions asked, particularly those asked from the audience. it also did not escape me how my answers were quite different than other folks on the panel and in a couple of cases....raised a few eyebrows.

figures.

while i am constantly reading and studying on my own about what has been done before, i do not heavily rely upon what has been done before. i may reference or pick up a few techniques or best practices....but i prefer to bring in other disciplines, approaches, and frameworks into what my team and i do. i have structured my program to anticipate, respond, and adapt to change as efficiently as possible. i didn't realize just how different that was until the panel.

then, a couple of weeks ago, i was contacted by one of other members on the panel who asked for a meet. again, i was a bit puzzled by it. the godfather asked me if i thought it was a potential recruitment. i said, no, that i was pretty certain it wasn't that. i may be a bit socially stunted in certain areas of my life (for example the whole "catch and release" games amongst single folks in san francisco is rather odd. i don't get it.) however, one area i am not socially stunted is being aware when someone is trying to recruit me for a job. my radar about things like that are very....very good.

so i had the meet yesterday and i asked in a rather diplomatic way why the heck he asked for the meet. not right away of course. but i did bring it up. let's be frank shall we? he's more educated than i am, his contact database is substantially larger than mine, he makes at least double...if not more.... than what i make, he's quite a lot older, and he works for a ginormous global company. he mentioned that from the panel he could tell that i thought differently about things and wanted to learn more about that. he also said that he learns more through by talking things through rather than reading about it. so then we talked shop for a few hours. he had a list of questions prepared.

both the panel and the meet were quite illuminating experiences.

so here i am, the next day, looking out my window, noshing on the quiche, thinking that perhaps i wasn't punching above my weight after all.

perhaps, i just have a different fighting style.

rich table kickstarter campaign

i wanted to take a quick break from work and before my next slew of meetings to write a bit about my recent pledge to the rich table kickstarter campaign. this campaign is towards funding the upcoming restaurant from sarah and evan rich in hayes valley. the name of their upcoming restaurant is, appropriately enough, rich table.

to be clear, i don't know sarah or evan rich personally. i also do not know anyone that cooks at coi. well, i had lunch one time with someone that cooked at coi (at the time) but i didn't tell him i was foodie hunter....and during the start of the lunch i had no idea he cooked at coi....so does that really count?

basically, i'm providing evidence that i don't know them personally.

anyway.....i'm anticipating folks asking the question...."if you don't know evan and sarah rich.....why did you pledge a contribution?"

many reasons.

i became aware of evan's food when i went to coi, where he was the chef de cuisine. it was one of the best meals i had that year. i still remember it. the more i become familiar with the industry the more i realize that there is a key group of people within any restaurant that makes a restaurant happen. while a chef owner may be visionary and innovative, if that same chef doesn't surround themself with talented people in multiple functions....the place...or the community that is the restaurant....will not be successful.

i attended one of sarah and evan's "chef's night off" popups at radius last year with some industry friends. i had a lovely time and it was rather mind boggling the amount of industry that showed up that night. the pics in this post were from that event. as an outsider and observer, i always find it fascinating to see who has support among their peers.




then, i have been working at the hapa stand when evan and other cooks from coi have visited to eat. again, as an observer, i saw a group of scruffy guys in ball caps (hey, they weren't working...so no need for them to look polished) that seemed really down to earth and sincerely looking forward to eating the ramen. at the time, i remember smiling to myself because here are these guys that make some of the most intellectually focused precise food that i ever had and they were really kick back.

then, there was inforum commonwealth club event where evan rich was on a panel.

folks that follow me on social media may be familiar with my tweets about it. you know....how i said that i was going to the panel to listen and not ogle. the name of the panel was something about "hot" chefs...and the marketing focused upon the not-cooking factor....which makes me cringe. i understand why they did that..but still..not my thing. i am also well aware that sarah rich has some significant credentials. there is no way that you can be successful in those kitchens without some major skills...including knife skills. there was no way in hell that i wanted there to be any confusion about my going to the panel to do anything but listen. speaking of knife skills, there was a picture floating around social media around the time of the event that was of sarah doing prep with their kid in a backpack carrier. it reminded me of my female friends....balancing careers and families....and how that picture seemed to embody a very common the theme among my friends of "you do what you need to do to get things done."

anyway, panel discussions are challenging. or they are from my perspective. there you are...sitting in front of a large group of people....people who are trying to get a sense of who you are....especially since there really wasn't a specialized topic for the panel. i gotta give evan props for really putting himself out there. i think he provided the audience with an honest and candid peek at who he is and his motivations behind his food. i think that is very hard to do. he talked about his transition from cooking in new york to cooking in san francisco, local ingredients, the decision process for how sarah and he decided to move to san francisco, and such. i remember during the Q+A section, i was texting with a couple of homies about the talk and the props i think he should get for putting himself out there. perhaps i was a wee bit to concentrated on texting at that time because i completely missed out on someone i actually knew that asked a question.

the reason why i've taken the time out to write these snippets here is because i am well aware that folks are more likely to consider pledging a contribution if they get a sense of who is behind the restaurant....as this is why i contributed. it is my hope that with recounting the experiences that led me to contribute...that perhaps you will consider as well. also, while i have contributed i'm not expecting anything in return. i declined any of the thank you gifts. for me, it is enough to be able to provide a teeny tiny measure of support and i look forward going into rich table anonymously and seeing what they decide to cook when they open.

cotogna

meetings this morning were rather unpleasant. some days, weeks, months...are better than others. i knew that i needed to step away from the computer as it approached late afternoon. i decided to drop off some of the final paperwork at the accountant who has an office in north beach. i adore my accountant. my accountant also provides me an excuse to visit north beach which isn't on the list of my usual haunts. after i dropped off the paperwork, i stood by washington square....thinking about whether or not to have a lunch out today. a cook i know recommended that i try mama's...someday. i just cringe when i think about the lines....and as it was monday...they are closed anyways. speaking of closed....as it was past the typical lunch hour....i knew that many restaurants would have already closed up their lunch service....so i was trying to access the memory database to see if there were any places near by that i've been wanting to try. then it came to me....cotogna! i've been wanting to visit them for ages and ages.....and they are now running continuous service throughout the day. i could feel myself become excited...and perhaps there was a bit of jaunt in my step as i made my way over to the jackson square area to check it out.

i arrived and there were still a quite a few tables occupied with folks finishing up their lunch and took a seat at the chef's counter. i'll let you know right now that i did not take any pictures of the food. given where i was sitting, i didn't think that would be the best of ideas. i was literally under the noses of two cooks at the beautiful copper counter. i don't make a habit of taking pictures in front of cooks.

i'm never quite certain what the exact etiquette is for sitting at the chef's counter. my philosophy is to make eye contact to say hello when i sit down and then don't talk to them unless they say something to me.

big surprise.

well, i figure saying hello is polite and acknowledges that they are there....but i have no intention of disturbing them while they are working. a couple of japanese tourists had no such compunction at all. i was rather fascinated to see how one of the cooks would handle the distraction as it was very obvious that they had no idea where they were eating and the connection between cotogna, quince, tusk, and well...the beard awards. the cook (not mr. tusk btw) was really quite friendly to them....answering many o' many questions. explaining the connection between the two restaurants, even providing insight on what kind of fruit quince was, how it could be prepared, and provided an example of how quince could be well paired with foie for a dish....while he was doing his prep and making pizzas. i was also a wee bit tickled that chopsticks were among his arsenal of cooking tools. i pretty much eat and cook everything with chopsticks...so i'm not judging...but rather....i found it funny to see something familiar.

i pretty much knew right away what i was going to order. i started with the tripe and then had the farro papperdelle as my main dish. from my perspective, tripe is a very challenging dish to execute and i had a feeling that if any place could pull it off....it would be cotogna. it was meltingly tender and supremely delicious. i remember thinking that i wish sus was there so that she could try it. it is such a lovely way to cook tripe. what i found fascinating was that three different people checked-in with me while i was eating it. two of the FOH folks and one of the cooks. they seemed to like that i liked it so much. then, one of the cooks asked if i'd like a couple of slices of baguette...which i accepted. it was very kind of him to offer...perhaps that is a perk of sitting at the cook's counter.

then my next course of was the farro pappardelle with duck ragu. as i looked at the wide ribbons of pasta....glistening....as i wrapped a ribbon or two around a fork....i remember thinking that i wasn't expecting cotogna's food to be so sensual.....so sexy actually.

i'm not talking about supremely in your face....over the top...and whack them over the head sort of sexy. sometimes i get that impression when folks try to over do it with things like "how many versions of pork belly, bacon, or confit can i put in this single dish".

this food i was having for lunch was a different sort of sexy.

from my perspective, it was more of a supremely confident comfortable sensuality where one finds oneself luxuriously lounging around in the middle of a beautiful afternoon with a very familiar lover. it is the kind of sexy where everyone is well aware that everyone knows what they are doing...and are very good at it.

i suppose i didn't think about that when i entered the restaurant and sat down...but it makes complete sense.

i suppose my quiet enjoyment and appreciation of the food may have been a bit obvious as one of the other cooks asked how the meal was so far. as i haven't eaten at cotogna before, i don't know if this is a usual sort of interactions with the clients is expected of cooks with stations by the counter. i responded about how much i was enjoying the food and then also thought privately to myself that the cooks should be getting a portion of the tips that come into FOH at the counter for the kind of attentive service they are providing while doing prep, cooking, and plating food.

unsurprisingly, i left the restaurant on a bit of a high from noshing on the lovely food....my earlier unpleasantness a very distant memory. no, i didn't have a drop of booze during my late lunch. tempted? yes...but i didn't have any....didn't need to actually. i think that meal may have made my week.

my station

this.....this is my station.

me the socially awkward interloper

i finished up a work project. i am eating some humphry slocombe secret breakfast ice cream as my reward for finishing up the project as i unwind from the day.

i'm also just shaking my head as i think about the day.

a homie asked me to drop by a bbq in golden gate park today.


it was a perfect break from work, so i grabbed some things i had on hand....such as chips, papalote salsa, beer, chocolate, and some whistle pig rye.


i thought this was going to be small super casual event in the park....maybe just the homie, his family, and some folks from the crew.

HA!

i was so wrong.

yes, it was casual but it was not small. it turned out to be an industry party.....filled with folks i was absolutely not expecting to see.

given how most industry folks feel about bloggers....i definitely felt like i was an interloper. even if the majority of them didn't know who i was, i knew who i was. plus, i'm rather awkward around large groups of people.

unsurprisingly, the food was very good.....really good sausage and steak. sigh.

the homie strongly insisted (ummm....demanded actually) that i say hi to one of his friends. this was someone who i have been an advocate of his food for a very long time.

while i have been an advocate of their food for a long time, i haven't really spoken to to the homie's friend because i didn't want them to think i was one of those dumb-asses that approach very talented and well-known folks like the homie and his friend ...because they are looking for special treatment or see them as "connections to work".

those dumb asses would quickly find out that is a bad idea to even try....but that doesn't keep dumb asses from trying.

when i see or hear of this happening, it makes me angry.

as a result, i'm perfectly happy just being advocates of folks' food from a distance.

i am also perfectly aware of how annoying the homie finds my perspective of being a fan from a distance. i am well aware that the homie thinks i don't give off that "i-want-special-treatment-vibe" and that i should just talk to folks when i am advocate of their food....******ESPECIALLY****** when they are good friends of his.

so i rather meekly followed the homie to say hi to one of his friends. i wanted to say "i've been a fan of your food for years" to the homie's friend but i didn't because

1) i know that he knows that i am foodie hunter
2) i know that he knows that i have been a fan of his food for years
3) i'm socially awkward and i really didn't know what to say outside of "hi" and "it is good to see you"....while true...doesn't mean i know what else to say.

sigh.

me and my socially awkward interloper self needs to eat more ice cream.

mood: annoyed

i can tell that i'm in a mood.

sometimes, it is good to just acknowledge this upfront.

there is much that i need to get done today.....and i'd also like to stop into moma for the member preview day of the new photography in mexico exhibit. we'll see how much i can get done in the next few hours and perhaps if i can compartmentalize this mood i have found myself in. perhaps stepping away from work for a quick break, having quick nosh of some bread and cheese....




and writing here will help so that i can get my head back into the game.


given my mood, perhaps it is appropriate that i write about something that i have been thinking about for quite some time. yet, i wanted there to enough time between the experience and now....so that folks won't know who or where i am talking about.

typically, i am extraordinarily careful about not saying anything negative about my experiences eating out and about. in over 800 postings, i think i've written something negative about a specific food related experience...perhaps 3 times? yet...there was a particular experience that still bothers me and it is unsurprising that it relates to service of a particular place rather than the food itself.

once upon a time, a group of us went to eat at a place and i was very much looking forward to it. the folks that greeted us were very friendly and welcoming. while there was someone with us that knew folks associated with the restaurant, i have a feeling that the overall management in the kitchen and the owners would still have been friendly even if there wasn't industry among us. i don't know them directly yet, i know folks who always speak incredibly highly of them.

yet, after we were shown to our seats and settled in....there was a rather jarring and unpleasant experience with a server. it was an unusual situation at this place because you didn't just have one server. this particular server, was to be frank, was deliberately rude and surly.

yes, it was totally deliberate, pointed, and obvious.

it made all of us at the table have various reactions to raised eyebrows, to puzzlement, to out right anger.

if the owners of the place didn't know someone at the table, i would have walked out.

i typically don't tolerate that kind of behavior anywhere in my life. if someone on my team had done something like that, i would have tried to soothe the situation, immediately pull aside said person in private, would have reamed them, and may have sent them home...as that kind of attitude has no place in a customer-facing role. i also think i was annoyed that the industry can be such a small world that i felt like i had to stay...because i didn't want my behavior to reflect badly upon people that we know in common. because the industry is so tiny, this is why i am being so incredibly vague right now.

when the server went to help another nearby table, two of the folks at the table proceeded to let their displeasure at what happened be known. i said that the server could hear them. they said that they knew and didn't care. i just wanted to leave but i didn't say anything about wanting to leave because that didn't seem like the right thing to do in the bigger picture of things.

throughout the evening, i tried to focus on the other folks throughout the evening and the food. there was even a moment when one of the owners came by to put down one of their signature dishes and it was so obvious that they had so much pride in their food ...it actually made me kind of sad. i was still too pissed off to enjoy it. i was mad at myself for being so mad that i couldn't enjoy it and felt like it translated me being disrespectful to what the folks in the kitchen were trying to achieve with the food.

this makes no logical sense.

yet, at this point, i have to admit that my reaction to that evening was not logical. it was purely emotional.

i made certain that i was friendly and nice to everyone that came to the table with the exception of that person that pissed me off so much. i have a feeling said person realized just how much they fucked up when they saw and likely heard what their FOH and BOH colleagues said to certain folks at the table and realized what the connections were. i can tell that this person tried to make up for it....but it was too late.

methinks folks reveal a lot about who they are when they think no one is watching and they don't think they will be accountable or responsible for their behavior. WTF? did this person suddenly think that their behavior wasn't ok only because they found out the connection between the table to their bosses? did they really think it was actually ok to treat everyone with that kind of behavior? this actually, ended up making me annoyed even more.

because of that connection, i felt obligated to ensure that i ate everything (especially what was sent out) and the plates were sent back to the kitchen completely clean.

yet, i'm still annoyed by the experience. i'm annoyed at that server. i'm annoyed that i was so annoyed that i couldn't let it go to really appreciate the food....food that i know that i should have appreciated more given the amount of effort and work behind it. i'm annoyed because i feel like i compromised my principles by staying and not leaving. i'm annoyed because i feel like it was still the right decision to stay given the bigger picture. i'm annoyed because i know that i will not be visiting that restaurant ever again. i'm annoyed at myself because i know my reaction is not logical, quite silly, and completely unfair to have that perspective....especially given that a restaurant is a culmination of so many people....and everyone else was so nice.

for better or worse, this is who i am...paradoxical contradictions with epic amounts of prideful stubbornness....and a dash of unusually emotionally driven behavior. for the owners sake, i do hope that the server will modify their behavior or be culled from the team....but i won't be paying any future visits there to find out.

bar tartine at bar tartine

last night, a group of us went to bar tartine....to have bar tartine food.

this was a bit of a unique experience for me as when i typically have been inside this space, it is because hapa was doing a popup. it was during one of the hapa pop ups that vinny enabled victor and i to have a peek at the very impressive bar tartine pantry. i remember when taking a look at all of the house-created dried spices and such...my nerd self was rather enthralled with the amount of potential possibilities that could be explored with that pantry as a foundation and was also impressed by the amount of work that went into creating it.

sometimes when i am visiting someone's house, i see the books on the shelves, determine that the library isn't there as part of the interior design, and think "now this...this is someone that reads."....when i examined the containers on the shelves of that back room pantry, i thought ...."now this....this is someone that cooks."

while i am fortunate to know quite a few cooks that cook because they love cooking, food, and making people feel happily nourished....i'm also finding that i run across people whose main motivations for participating in restaurants is not cooking, food, or making people happy.

it is always lovely to be able to see something like that pantry and be able to appreciate the amount of sheer effort that went into creating it.

the first time i had nick balla's food was actually at sfmoma. he plated a dish at one of the meatpaper events on the sfmoma rooftop. it was around the time when he just taken over the kitchen at bar tartine. i still remember it and i bet if you dig through this blog and my pics on flickr...you'll find that it was one of the dishes i enjoyed quite a bit. the sfmoma rooftop isn't exactly the most ideal space for someone to make a hot dish...but he managed it somehow. it was a hearty braised porky stew with dried cherries, sauerkraut, and mushrooms.... coupled with some of tartine's famous bread. it was the smell of the grilled bread that brought me to his section that evening. i remember smiling as i was eavesdropping on a couple of people ahead of me in line....when they were quizzing him about who he was. it is always fascinating to me how a chef will respond when folks have no idea of their background. i remember him being well-humored about it. when i exchanged my ticket for a plate, i remember asking him if this was representative of what he planned for bar tartine. he indicated that it was the general direction.

to be clear, while i know vinny (i can't help but smile any and every time i think of vinny....he's one of those renaissance men that is also keenly aware of what is happening around him...i'm smiling right now)....i don't know anyone that cooks at bar tartine. vinny recommended that for my first visit to bar tartine to try balla's food....that i should come with people in order to try a range of dishes at once. it was very serendipitous that a group of us had met up to have dinner. also, i should point out that there were a couple of cooks in the group. the reason why i point this out is that it has been my experience that when there are cooks in the group....there is a tendency towards ordering almost everything (or close to it) on a menu....unless there are multiple noshing stops planned for the evening.

well, we ordered a hella lot of food.

now, about twenty four hours later....there are still some flavors that i'm still thinking about. my top faves were the chicken liver dumplings with the broth and egg (which should surprise no one that eats with me regularly....and was delighted when it was sent out to the table), the fried potato bread, the steak tartare with bread, and the kefir/ice cream(?) with the espresso...aka their take on an affogato. if i were to go back by myself, it is likely i'd order the fried potato bread and the chicken liver dumplings (if it is still on the menu)...as that is usually the maximum amount of food i eat at dinner. i found myself rubbing my belly quite a bit toward the end of the evening last night....almost silently apologizing to my stomach for the amount of food i was eating. i think the folks at the table found this to be very amusing. my initial impressions that day i had at sfmoma remain the same.....tasty, hearty, and comforting. the food being paradoxically familiar and not familiar at the same time...in a very good way.

chocolate coffee wallop

sometimes experimentation happens at the oddest moments. this morning, i decided to make myself some hot chocolate. yet, for some reason, i wasn't in the mood for a milky hot chocolate and wanted a significantly smaller portion than what i normally make. not that i could verbalize any of this. it was all impressions as well as complete id-controlled wants and desires. it was all just done on the fly.

i took some of the valrhona dark chocolate pistoles (which are a standard foodie hunter pantry item) ....


and melted them with a bit of brewed four barrel coffee instead of water. usually, i find that it is easier to melt the pistoles with water (and sometimes spices depending on my mood) ....then mix the melted chocolate with hot milk.

yet, it was on the spur of the moment that i decided to use brewed coffee instead of water....precisely because i wanted an extra kick.


i also wasn't in the mood for a milky hot chocolate to have with my toasted baguette with straus butter and a vanilla sugar (baker's sugar + ground vanilla bean mixed together).



after looking at the already hot milk...i thought...well, why not froth it and add a dollop of foam....similar to what is done for a macchiato? i've never done that before nor tried it anywhere...so it was more of a "huh, lets see what happens?" kind of moment.


after taking a sip, i felt the immediate caffeine loaded chocolate rush....or wallop. i remember thinking "this stuff can knock someone on their ass". i usually don't have macchiatos in general....yet, i can understand the appeal. the hot chocolate i made was not super sweet. the chocolate was 70% . the addition of the dollop of milk foam helped cut the bitterness from the chocolate and coffee slightly.... and was quite lovely.

i have a feeling that this will make it into the foodie hunter's regular rotation.