oh yeah, i was promoted

so i've been officially promoted and i am not moving to the uk at this time. this is the reason why my hours have been so incredibly nutty. i am certain we will just have to see how it works out. there seems to be a lot of that going on in my life these days.

last night, the best friend and i were going out to celebrate my recent promotion. originally, we thought we were going to stop into corso. yet, when we arrived the wait was a bit too long for our liking and headed over the cesar instead. absolutely not a tragedy. i love cesar. there was a wait at cesar as well. yet we were able to sip on drinks by the bar while we waited.


i think this is kind of key factor in the waiting process. the bartender (as usual of all of the bartenders i've interacted with over the years) was great. we also lucked out and had a top notch server last night as well. the food, as usual, was absolutely lovely.

we ordered a lot.






we ate a lot.



we talked and talked and talked a lot.

i actually finished an entire tequila love cocktail,


for the low alcohol tolerance foodie hunter, that was rather amazing.

it all reminds me that i am quite lucky. i love and am loved. i live in a wonderful foodie neighborhood. i am appreciated and recognized at work....and guess what? i am heading to rome for vacation in a few weeks. yes, i know it will be scorching hot and a lot of places will be closed.....but it is ROME! i've always wanted to go. i'll just stomp around during the mornings and early evenings. i have a feeling i'll be doing quite a bit of blogging during the hottest parts of the day...so you may be seeing quite a bit from me during my vacation.

well, i think it is time for me to get to bed and try for an early night. early nights a bit rare these days. until later dear hearts....

hugs and love-

me


cesar: 1515 shattuck avenue, berkeley, ca 94709, +1 510 883 0222

key lime graham cracker gelato at ciao bella

me thinks that i am using this warm weather as an excuse to indulge my love of frozen creamy treats. today, i took a break from work to visit the epicurious garden for a nibble. i didn't want anything too big or heavy since i'll be going out for what i have a feeling will be quite a large meal this evening so i ended up at the ciao bella stall (big shock).

hey, gelato is small. rich yes. but still small. yes, i know, excuses...excuses. anyway, after perusing ciao bella's numerous wares,


i decided upon the key lime graham cracker flavor because i haven't tried it before...


it is pretty tasty. i'm still eating it right now. sigh. yum yum.

epicurious garden, 1511 shattuck ave, berkeley, ca 94709, +1 (510) 548-2426

unavoidable evidence

it is hot again today. i'm sitting here, eating yet another bowl (compostable naturally...this is a berkeley after all) of frozen yogurt from yogurt harmony. this time, it is vanilla custard though. i really don't feel like working at the moment. instead, i feel like eating my yogurt,


writing, and telling you, dear reader, about a very recent and unexpected experience.

when the marriage ended with B about a couple of years ago, i neither intentionally took nor wanted any personal items that had any reminder of the life we had together. unlike other couples, there were no arguments about things like wedding rings, things purchased together, or things like pictures. B, with his numerous amounts of cameras and camera-oriented accessories was the one that took pictures. would it surprise you dear readers to know that i did not? so, in many ways, it was like the relationship went "poof" and was gone. no hard evidence in my possession. no reminders.

yet, as i have been reminded over the past couple of years, life is not so cleanly dealt with, and the gawds have other plans for arrogant foodie hunters like myself.

as i have blogged about previously, in december 2008, i unexpectedly came across pics of B and i on a loved one's flickr page during a trip out to st. louis a few years ago. i had no idea those pics were there (or i wouldn't have gone through the site). yet, when i saw them, there wasn't any anger or pain. then, just recently, while looking for something from my previous job, i came across a bunch of pictures in various envelopes.

amongst the pics were a few wedding pictures that the heart sister had taken. this was rather unexpected. she included copies of these pics with a christmas card i had saved.

so much for not taking evidence with me, huh?

yet, as i sat there studying the pictures, i realized that in those moments, B really did love me and was not afraid to show it. while i looked at the pictures, i felt no anger, sadness, or bitterness. i found myself acknowledging that there were some great moments during that relationship. yet, they were images from my past...another life really....a life that seems like it was an incredibly long time ago given the changes i have experienced.

looking at the pictures made me also realize that there are many different types of heart break. ironically enough, in my quest to avoid any and all flavors, i've experienced them anyways. yet, i have made quite a life for myself. i am still here and i am quite fortunate.

emotions are incredibly odd. while telling myself that "i just need time" wasn't very effective in comforting my prominent and contrary bundle of emotions....the unexpected experience of finding these pictures provided more comfort than anything that i or anyone else could say to me.

now, as i sit here, finishing up my frozen yogurt.....realizing that i should really get back to work now....i cannot help but shake me head and say "life is full of irony." it is quite ironic that seeing wedding pictures and recalling the end of a marriage ends up providing comfort for a heart break. i mean, you can't really make this stuff up.

i mean really.

really.

human after all

i'm winding down for the "night". part of me wonders if this schedule of mine is going to catch up with me. i am, as i am discovering, just human after all. i was definitely thinking about how human i really am during my late afternoon break today.

it was pretty warm in the east bay so i took a walk over to yogurt harmony to grab a bowl of the cool creaminess.


as i slowly and methodically made my way through the frozen treat, i couldn't help but wonder how long this prominent emotional bundle of contradictions was going to be around for. it is rather amazing how resilient the emotions are against my attempts at self-control and supression. this is something i usually don't have to worry about...so the fact that the emotions are currently "running the show" in this aspect of my life is just a teeny bit worrisome.

ok, more than a teeny bit.

yet, perhaps this is what i needed...to be reminded that yes, i am human after all....and that isn't a bad thing.

new experiences for all

i no longer feel so restless.

this past weekend, BF and i took a very long walk from the sf ferry building to the mission district. after an initial walk around the sf ferry building, i suggested that we go to humphry slocombe for some ice cream. i knew that BF shares my adoration of ice cream and had a feeling he was going to love humphry slocombe as much as i do. surprisingly enough, BF has never really walked around the mission and 25th street area and was also game when i suggested that we stop into la taqueria before heading to humphry slocombe on harrison and 24th.

while i introduced BF to some new experiences such as eating at la taqueria and humphry slocombe (see above picture for the jesus juice sorbet aka kermit lynch cotes du rhone and coke classic), BF provided some insight that may lead to some new experiences for me as well.

during the lingering walk, we spoke about some of the things that have been going on for me. as i have mentioned before, it was BF and DB that took everyday care of me in their home right after the marriage ended that evening about two years ago. yet, it wasn't until this past weekend that BF and i discussed my unrequited feelings and the sadness about the possibility of losing one of my closest friends. BF said many things to me during that long walk, just one of the things that stood out was "just be sure of what you want" as he, like many of my loved ones, knows my tendency to try to wrap things up as quickly as possible and move onward. BF also suggested giving it more time...saying that it could take a year or even three [interject foodie hunter look of horror "THREE!"]...who knows...but that i shouldn't make any decisions that would make the entire relationship seem meaningless.

BF knows how to go right for the jugular sometimes.

i hadn't really thought about it that way....because, i definitely don't view the relationship with this loved one as meaningless. my gawd. anything but.

"you mean, it would actually be ok to not talk for, like a year, and then just pop up again? people actually do that in situations like this one?" i asked.

"yes" BF responded, "it happens all of the time."

well, this was some food for thought for the foodie hunter. it is amazing isn't it? that i am this socially retarded to not know about this sort of stuff ....and how this is actually an option. that it is actually feasible to ask this of another person. then again, i've never been in this situation before. admittedly, i've been pretty good at avoiding complicated situations. yet, this is different. as this person is on the "list". you know, the very short list of people that i love.

so, over the weekend, i've asked myself a few things....

Q: what is it that i want?

A: i want to know him for always. this is what i want. this is what i have always wanted.

Q: why?

because i love him and have a tremendous amount of respect for him, his drive, intellect, creativity, curiosity, and passion to do the right thing. i love the fact that he is watchful and considerate. i even love his tendency to be a supremely rebellious snarky smart ass on numerous occasions.

Q: if there is the slightest chance that we could remain friends, even after an extended amount of time and distance, would i be willing to be open to it?

A: yes. for me, the awkwardness would be worth it.

Q: even if there is no guarantee? because....well, it does take two....and well, i've probably made him extremely uncomfortable.

A: yes, even if there is no guarantee.

hmmmm. i guess i'm just going to have to wait and see what happens then. this is going to be quite the new experience for me.

not so impenetrable

as i walked through the front door at cesar today, i had to laugh. there was mp siting at one of the tables, methodically going through a stack of papers. i was getting flashbacks to when we used to work together. watching mp going through a rather large stack of papers was a common sight.

mp and i had decided to meet at cesar for a late afternoon nibble and do some much needed catching up. after pursuing the menu,

we ended up splitting the portabello mushroom sandwich....


as well as our desserts of organic strawberries and rose cream....

and the very rich bread pudding....


the food as usual, was very lovely. mp also decided to spoil me with treats of dark chocolate sauce from sketch on 4th street as well as these absolutely beautiful mufflers. mp, who reads my blog regularly, said that she thought that i would need some comfort to wrap myself in.

naturally, it was difficult to not cry over our small plates.

yet, i suppose it really is ok isn't it? it is ok to show the confusion, the vulnerability, and the sadness. it is ok to allow those that love me to care for me. perhaps, it is also ok...to just feel the way that i feel....despite the fact that these feelings have no logical rhyme or reason.

yet, this lesson is a particularly difficult one for the very logical and seemingly impenetrable foodie hunter.

restless conclusions

i am feeling restless.

i am emotionally tired and drained.

yet, i feel restless. even while i was digging into my lovely south indian thali dinner at udupi palace, i felt restless and anxious.



i even went to a movie theatre where i could lay down on the couch and watch star trek...hoping to lose myself in another world for a couple of hours...and hoping that it would somehow soothe me.

yet, here i am. still feeling weary and restless.

i am not quite certain what to do about it.

i am not certain what i should say or what i shouldn't say. it is my hope that as i type the words, somehow, what i need to say will just appear.

does that ever happen to you? trying to write whatever comes to mind...in the hope that you'll find the release that you are looking for? that somehow what needs to be said will be said?

what about when you don't understand exactly what it is you are feeling?

i mean, you feel what you are feeling but it doesn't make sense. when feelings are contradictory....and you second guess, third guess, and fourth guess yourself. you wonder if you should have been stronger, had more control over your feelings, hidden them better, or figured out a way to bend them to your will.

then, about two seconds later, you wonder what would have happened if you had? would you be there....listening, seeing, and being the good friend....feeling guilty for coveting what you should not...berating yourself for cowardice, not being truthful, not owning up and taking responsibility for what you were feeling.

yet, as you love him, you want him to find happiness. absolutely. positively. without a doubt. you are actually glad (talk about confusing) that he met someone that he wants to be with. yet, you are wondering if the gawds have an evil sense of humor....to have you watch while the one you wish you could be with.... be with someone else.

how is that possible to be anything other than utterly heartbreaking?

yet, how is losing one of your closest friends anything other than utterly heartbreaking? especially when you really believed and "just knew" that you would know them forever.

so what do you do?

do you sit there with a scale and try to figure out which would be less heartbreaking? is that even possible? for something to feel less heartbreaking?

i don't think so. because that is what this is, isn't it?

this is heartbreak.

brunching on a luscious berry crepe

ok.

this morning, i decided that it was not going to be a heavy morning. i decided that after the initial rush of work emails, meetings, IMs, etc. it was time to get into the business of simple and uncomplicated pleasure for my brunch today. today's brunch consists of 4 ingredients: ca grown berries, fage yogurt, pre-made crepes, and hazelnut agave. given the emotional heaviness of my last posting, i've decided that today's post is all about the food porn.

indeed.









i hope you like it as much as i did. simple. luscious. uncomplicated. absolutely pleasure-ridden. it is good to be home.

just a suggestion

jez. it is difficult to believe that it is only tuesday. i finished up a report this morning about 2am and then was having IM conversations with folks in the uk for a while before heading to bed. then i slept for a few hours before logging in and being back at it at 9am.

it feels like it is already friday.

i am tired.

there is obviously a lot going on right now. lots and lots. yet, i am reminded that despite the crazy-assed work pace, i am not successfully able to run from some of the lingering sadness that i feel. unfortunately, this lingering sadness isn't going to vacate on the foodie hunter's preferred timeline. i was reminded of this as i made my lunch today which was inspired by a dish i had with the heart sister at SPQR this past weekend.

this past weekend with the heart sister was absolutely lovely and decadent. it also included a few experiences that were unintentional efforts to supplement or perhaps, replace, certain memories. one of the places we went to this past weekend was SPQR. dear hearts, as you may recall, SPQR was one of the places i mentioned in my love letter to pac heights where i had dinner with someone that i developed unrequited feelings for. the heart sister and i didn't originally plan on going there, but alas, that is where we ended up. dinner was lovely....from the arugula plum salad w/ricotta salata, the pasta carbornara, the chickpea pancake with olives and anchovies, the bay scallops, and the dessert of chocolate hazelnut pizzettes with ricotta and strawberries. everything was comforting and tasty. over our dinner, the heart sister mentioned how she wished that didn't have to go through this sadness over my feelings and a loss of a friendship....because, well...first there was the divorce...and now this. in many ways, oddly enough, the loss of this friendship is quite a bit more difficult than the divorce ever was.

fun times, huh?

i was processing quite a bit about the conversation with the heart sister at SQPR as i made my own version of the SPQR arugula salad today for lunch. i started out with the bitter pungent arugula

then sliced into a tart plum....


and added it to the arugula....

then shredded some ricotta salata........

and added some kalamata olive oil and a hint of balsamic.....


as i was taking the pictures and nibbling on the salad,

i thought about how i told the heart sister that it was all worth it though.

and you know, it really is.

i never thought i'd "hear" myself say that. if you had told me a few years ago that i would be in this position, i probably would have told you to fuck off. yet, it truly is worth it.... to really know what it feels like...to know that i am actually capable of it... to put aside my HUGE amount of pride and just admit to it. before this happened, i never thought feeling this way would ever be an option for me. in an odd way, i am glad that if it had to happen...i am glad that it happened with him as he didn't try to manipulate me or hurt me...it just happened. it could have been a lot worse to than to fall for an amazing person that i have a tremendous amount of respect for.

yet, i'm going to put this out into the universe....if i am lucky enough to feel this way again....could it please be with someone that feels the same?

just a suggestion.

the snarky sisters at frog hollow farm

"you do realize how horrified men would be if they realized what we actually talk about right?" i said to the heart sister as we walked away from the sf ferry building this afternoon . we both laughed and then i said "it is always the quiet ones." "yeah" she replied, "because people don't realize what the quiet ones are thinking about."

true. very true.

it was a great "away" weekend with the heart sister and there were definitely some snarky moments that we couldn't help but have a good laugh over. one of the moments occurred before we headed to the sf ferry building....when we checked out of the hotel. the young man that was ringing up the hotel bill kept looking back and forth between us. i remember thinking: "dude, you need to concentrate on the task at hand....instead of trying to figure out if we are lesbians." yet, alas, i wasn't the only one that had this particular cynical thought. the heart sister also agreed that the guy was trying to figure us out. then, i must admit that i took it a bit farther and may have said matter-of-factly....something along the lines of "yeah, i bet that he probably got turned on at the thought of us." there were also a few other comments throughout the day that are probably a bit inappropriate for the blog.

we can be a bit brutal when it is just us. i admit it.

yet despite our typical snarky selves, we were all sweetness and light as we wandered around the sf ferry building and noshed on some breakfast pastries from frog hollow farm.

in addition to shared snarkiness, we also share a pretty strong sweet tooth and frog hollow farm makes some absolutely lovely pastries...



i ordered the organic cherry tartlet which was completely sublime....

yummmmmm. soooo juicy.....sooooo goooooood.


don't you wanna take a bite? right now? c'mon.....you know you wanna take a taste. they are almost magical. you know they must be when all snarkiness was put on hold while we were noshin' on our pastries. these pastries demanded our full attention and respect....and it was probably, oh a full five minutes or so after we were done before it started up again.

the ferry building marketplace (frog hollow farm stall #46), san francisco, ca, 94111, (415) 445-0990, http://www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com/frog_hollow_farm.php

grown up decadence in hayes valley: absinthe, miette, and arlequin

the heart sister and i are staying in the city over the 4th of july weekend. it is a way to have a very grown up, decadent, and relaxing vacation without thinking about responsibilities or any pre-set agendas. it is working out pretty well. i am super relaxed at our boutique modern union square hotel, sipping on a night cap of ravenswood zin....


typing away on this blog posting while the heart sister is cuddled into bed for the evening. it makes sense....it has been quite an eventful afternoon and evening.

we kicked off the afternoon by deciding to visit hayes valley and grabbing an early dinner at absinthe. both of us have been quite curious about it for some time, yet, we hadn't had the opportunity to visit until now.


we started out by ordering some cocktails....


chatting, and absorbing the surroundings....

then noshing on some food. the heart sister ended up getting a crab salad sandwich....


while i went for the house burger with gruyere cheese and sauteed mushrooms.....


the burger was pretty good and extremely filling.


yet, despite being full we still stopped by miette for cupcakes and macarons...


i suppose miette's wares were so enticing that despite being full, we each had a cupcake. the heart sister went for the chocolate cupcake with strawberry frosting while i went for the gingerbread cupcake with cream cheese frosting....

both of us were quite happy with our treats.

yet, i could feel my stomach protest from my over indulgence. in an effort to ease into the digestion, we walked around hayes valley and browsed the various chic-chic clothing and accessories stores....until we decided to take a small break by lounging about with tea and hot chocolate at arlequin....


i especially enjoy arlequin's outside courtyard.....



which is something that you wouldn't know existed unless you've been here before. it is a lovely place to take a small break within hayes valley.

overall, our entire experience thus far has been pretty grown up and decadent....which really is the point of the weekend. it will be interesting to see what tomorrow will bring. we haven't really planed anything out....and are just seeing where the mood will take us.

well, i think it is time for bed. thus, nite for now and i'll keep you posted on our further grown up and decadent adventures in the city....

absinthe brasserie & bar, 398 hayes street, san francisco, ca 94102, +1 (415) 551-1590, http://www.absinthe.com/

arlequin, 384B hayes street #B, san francisco, ca 94102-4421, +1 (415) 626-1211

miette, 449 octavia street, san francisco, +1 (415) 626-6221, http://www.miettecakes.com/

foodie hunter dna

i am back from DC and thankfully, the flight home was exceedingly less eventful and everything went as it should. i was very appreciative as this trip provided me with a lot of food for thought. i may write more about it later or i may not. it was a difficult trip. i am still processing. yet, before i start my day today there were a couple of light hearted moments that i wanted to share with you.

one of them, was a vendor's bumble bee mascot at the conference. it made the super duper cynical foodie hunter smile every time i saw it (see top pic). it would shuffle along, waving, its pacing was actually quite fascinating....as it didn't move like human...it actually moved as i would have envisioned a large character would move...and held the conference bag as if it were a handbag. it seemed that quite a bit of thought went into their posture and movement. a lot. i have to give kudos to the person (or persons throughout the show) in the suit. it must have been hot in there and a challenge to stay "in character".

another light hearted moment was an email from the best friend that i found myself re-reading quite a few times throughout the show, to remind myself, that my life is not just work. as i was on a plane to DC on sunday, i missed out on a dinner party CK hosted which included the best friend and my family. my soon to be three-year-old goddaughter, EC, was also there. toward the end of the dinner party, CK served a dessert of banana creme pie.... and knowing CK as i do, i bet it was extraordinary. EC, who seems to be following in the steps of her godmother in terms of her palate declared "this is like god" while eating her dessert. i wasn't even there, but i know it was an accurate assessment.

i doubt that i've ever been so proud in my entire life.

you look tired

location: washington dc time: 11:37pm

"you look tired." declared DH to me in the cab on the way to have dinner with some colleagues.

"it is because i am tired." i replied quite wearily.

DH had a good laugh and said "well, i'll always be honest with you."

true. true.

i suppose it all started when i didn't go to sleep on saturday and left my place at 5:30am to go to SFO. i boarded the first plane and we arrived at the runway to take off....then the announcement went out that there was something wrong with the right engine and we would have to go back to the gate. once at the gate, it was decided that components were going to be replaced and that it would take about an hour and half. so it was about this time that i broke out my snack of mango pudding that i purchased at one of the SFO food stalls.


about a couple of hours later, the plane went to the runway again.....we didn't take off. the pilot indicated that there was still something wrong. then we all got off the plane and quite a few series of mishaps occurred that i am too tired to talk about right now. but the upshot is....i am very glad that i have status on this airline or else i probably wouldn't have gotten a seat on that flight. quite a few people were bumped on the flight.

then, when i arrived at the hotel, there was the obligatory work socializing....which is not my favorite activity....and then a business meeting that lasted until midnight eastern standard time. then it was up early for meetings w/the uk office before doing some field work until about 6pm. so it was about 7:30pm this evening when DH said "i looked tired"....while we on our way to do more socializing.

i mean, really, how else am i going to look?

i've learned quite a bit on this trip though. i've learned that keeping folks you work with at a distance is not a bad thing and that i will not be changing my philosophy anytime soon. emotional distance, in this case, is a very good thing. friends are forgiving of personal indiscretions...and i think people often make a crucial mistake and think that people they work with are their friends. while there are exceptions (a met a few of my "inner circle" at work), overall, this is not often the case. in fact, i'm beginning to think that there should be another term...perhaps not frienemies....but something a bit more sinister, actually.

a more accurate term escapes me .... but if you know of one...please let me know.

well, i think it is time for bed.

night and hugs...

me

made it to DC...

location washington, dc
time: 12.44am

well, after a series of mishaps, i made it to DC. i am at my hotel.

i just realized that i forgot to bring my usb cord that allows me to transfer my pics from my camera to my computer. great just great. i'm going to see if i can get one tomorrow. but i must get to bed....i haven't been to bed since friday evening and am feeling quite tired.

hugs to you all!

me

taro frozen yogurt

need i say more?

it is pretty good.

yogurt harmony, 2259 shattuck ave, berkeley, ca 94704-1432, +1 (510) 848-5903, www.yogurtharmony.com