Wednesday, September 10, 2008

silent processing

not to state the obvious or anything, but yes, i know that i've been a bit quiet for the past few days.

instead of cooking, i've been noshing on left over thai food. alas, i over-ordered the take out again when the best friend came over for dinner. it was one of those days where it was way too hot to cook anything. over-ordering take out seems to be a habit of mine. i suppose it is because i like to try different dishes...which is probably why i love tapas, dim sum, or any type of small plates dinner so much.

i also haven't written because i've been doing quite a bit of processing. the heat combined with my processing didn't really put me in the mood to cook....so i spent hours and hours cleaning instead. i suppose there was a part of me that wanted to be productive despite the processing. i wasn't certain if i really wanted to write about what has been going on inside my brain the past few days....so i've stayed quiet. i usually adhere to the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, best not say anything at all". well, at least for the really big and important stuff anyway.

i've pretty much come to the conclusion that i made a mistake a while ago. i made the wrong choice and now i am reaping the benefits and regret that come with such a large mistake. i made a choice to commit to something that i really shouldn't have and didn't really want to do. at the time, i didn't know for certain why i didn't want to commit. i wasn't certain if it was fear holding me back or if it was because i really didn't want to.

the fear, i knew, was based on having vicariously lived through some not-so-great models. the other "i don't want to do this"...well, it was more of a gut-instinctual feeling than anything else, and we all know that for the super duper analytical brain...things like intuition and instinct are difficult to quantify no matter how many malcom gladwell books we read.

after months and months of spinning, more spinning, and careful stalling, i decided that i shouldn't allow fear to hold me back and that i should confront the fears.

well, it turns out that it wasn't the fear after all and i should have trusted my instincts. i learned that commitment and i can be buddies, but that i should learn to listen to the instincts as well.

fate can be quite wicked at times, don't you think?

now, this is where the odd mixture of sadness and happiness comes in. i love my life right now. i haven't been this generally happy on an everyday basis for such a freakin' long time. then i'll get sad about being happy or get sad about not being more sad....because if it really mattered...shouldn't i be devastated, even now? all so confusing for the analytical foodie hunter. it really would be so much easier if emotions could be compiled like code.

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