Sunday, November 23, 2008

"you are a handful"

this morning i decided it was a mariebelle hot chocolate kind of morning. as i have posted about before, i usually turn to mariebelle when i am seeking some sort of major comfort. i woke up fairly early this morning, trying to get organized for the upcoming trip as well as ensure that certain work things are in place for when the trip is over. yet it wasn't the work or the upcoming trip that had me reaching for was thinking about a conversation i had with a loved one...and former mentor very recently. unfortunately, we weren't able to meet up for dinner this past week as planned, but we were able to have a catch up chat via phone. i love this particular mentor because she says EXACTLY what is on her mind, she has this youthful vitality for life, and she truly cares about "people" and not just humans to provide an output for an organization. she has also known me for a very long time.

i was definitely replaying my conversation with her as i poured the milk into my mug....

as well as adding a shot of cayenne pepper....

while we were talking about my most recent trip to hong kong and such, she indicated (and i'm paraphrasing here) "it is rough for people to be around you if they don't have their shit together or if they have problems with self esteem. i've seen it happen. you are a see through the bullshit. you see have no problems calling a spade a spade."

hmmmm. "this isn't exactly a surprise. it isn't like i haven't heard variations of this over the past year or so." i thought to myself as i spooned in the extra rich mariebelle chocolate into the mug.....

and then nuked it for a while (too lazy this morning to do the sauce pan method).

my thoughts began to wander to a time when i watched someone's self esteem and self worth wither before me. i saw them change from a passionate becoming lost, unfocused...uncertain....turning to things to drown out realities and responsibilities....and the more i tried to support them, the more i tried to figure out what they needed, the more i said "what do you need from me? i know that we can get through this." the more they deteriorated.....the more they thought they could not be possibly be good enough and wondered if they ever were. for me.

"jez. kinda deep thoughts for first thing in the morning" i said to myself as i took my hot chocolate from the microwave, inserted the foamer, and watched the hot liquid whirl and whirl.

i remember being quite flabbergasted when it happened....and now, i wonder...despite all of this infamous i really want to put someone else that i care about in that position? by just being me....did i assist at chipping away at this person's self worth....having them think that they could never keep up....that they would never be good enough....that they couldn't "handle" it...or me.

once the hot chocolate was done, and i was sipping away at its spicy comforting creamy warmth.....

i also remembered a question that another friend and loved one asked me over the 4th of july holiday "would you do this again if there was more equality?" at the time, my brutally honest response was "i don't know. i'm questioning my judgement."

yet, now....what seems like a lifetime later....i think my answer is quite a bit different.

naturally, given my analytical mindset, my answer is a set of questions to myself: "does this person truly see me? does this person truly care for me? is this person strong enough to be with me? does this person know who they are? do i truly see this person? do i respect this person? do i...would i...or could this person enough to risk everything?"

i think when i have the answers to those questions, then i'll have my answer to the loved one's question.

i suppose at the end of the day....i'll have to agree with my mentor. i'm quite the handful.

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