Sunday, December 28, 2008

being open

i left my camera's at BF's the other night and currently feel as if a vital part of me is missing. interesting how one doesn't realize how attached one can become until something is gone. both taking photos and writing this blog has been an extraordinary outlet for me since march and i am continuously surprised by the amount of people that stop by to read my random musings... even before the becks and posh linking. btw, after that linking showed up....i didn't write for a couple of days since i had some serious "stage fright". yet, as you can see, i got over it.

while i understand why "the dear hearts".... those that know me, see me, and love the blog.... i am a bit puzzled by those readers who have no idea who i am. well, i suppose they actually do "know me" quite a bit since i am so open in this venue. yet, what saves me from having additional stage fright is that only a handful of people actually know what i look like. i rather enjoy my semi-anonymous state as i gallivant around the gourmet ghetto and the sf bay area. i was talking about the blog with JB last week at one of my regular haunts, the guerilla cafe.

JB had a latte....

and i, of course, had the spicy hot chocolate....

and the waffle of the day...which was lemon chai.....

everything was lovely as usual. i really do enjoy this place quite a bit and am so happy that guerilla is so close to my place.

while JB and i were enjoying our warm beverages and such at guerilla, we talked about blogs as well as the challenges of being open. there are some of you, dear hearts, that i know that being open is not great challenge and you approach life with this exuberant openness and charm...that is absolutely and wonderfully infectious.

yet, that is not me.

for me, being open is a challenge and a goal that i've set for myself for the past year. i don't mean just being open to the carefully vetted "chosen few" but also being open more to life in general. i know this blog has helped me tremendously and my being open on this blog has transferred over into the non-virtual world. as usual, once i have my mind set on a goal, i pretty much pounce on it (i am an alpha after all)....and i've seen the change in how i interact with people...i see how it allows me to take more emotional well as accept, be comfortable, and just be "present" with my emotions that i cannot categorize/define. for the analytical foodie hunter who would prefer to compile emotions like code, this is a big deal.

years ago, i wouldn't have done this...i wanted to avoid certain kinds of emotional pain as much as possible. yet, i suppose as i have mentioned earlier, perhaps things happen for a reason and the ending of a marriage allowed me to realize what is truly important and truly appreciate my second chance at life. if someone had told me over a year ago that the divorce was something i needed to go through to truly understand what it means to love and be loved, i would have probably put aside my infamous control and well...i would have probably smacked them. is me saying these things. i no longer have regrets about the decisions i made....i made the best decisions i could at the time. i know that i won't make the same mistakes....i'll just make brand new ones... and that is ok.

now, the possibilities seem lovely, endless, and i know the potential emotional risks are worth it. because to shut off possibilities due to fear, is no way to live and love....and this, coming from the super duper analytically cynical food hunter no less.

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