Sunday, December 14, 2008

poke. poke. hmmm. poke again?

it is a dreay day in the gourmet ghetto. as i look out of the windows of my office, i can see gray skies and the drizzle of raindrops as they slowly travel down the glass. it is a rain boot kind of day. the gray skies and rain also seems quite appropriate of my reflective mood this morning. this seems to be happening a lot recently doesn't it? perhaps my blog subheading should read "reflective musings" rather than "random thoughts". as JB put it the other day, my blog provides a peek into my life...through the frame of food. something that i have been working on is being more open...which isn't exactly easy for the super duper analytical foodie hunter. yet, i do think the blog has helped me with this particular ongoing journey.

when i woke up this morning, i decided it was going to be a decadent hot chocolate day. i decided to use some freshly whipped cream

(i used strauss whipping cream....the ultimate decadence....i had a bunch left over from making the fleur de sel ganache) as well as scharffen berger cacao.

what has put me in this mood this morning? well, i was looking through a friend and loved one's flickr archive, playing various slide shows of their sets.... and i was shown some pics i hadn't seen before. there were some pics of me as well as an ex-lover...the one i haven't seen in well over a year. this was incredibly unexpected. i wouldn't have thought that this particular friend would have posted the ex-lover's picture...granted we both had visited the friend in st. louis a few years ago....but still....there was a jolt of surprise when the ex-lover's face shot across my computer screen.

i have been quite deliberate in my avoidance of any mementos, images, etc. avoiding the mementos was easy as i took nothing with me. every present ever given to me by him and his family was left at the house. in certain cases...neatly lined up on shelves...as well as most of the jewelry sprinkled among his personal things. i was angry. quite. yet, not angry enough to keep the great-grandmother's heirloom pearls given to me by his lovely mother before we were engaged. those i left carefully wrapped and nestled in box for him on his desk...next to the carelessly tossed custom platinum [made for me by his best friend] and antique diamond wedding rings. yup, i was pretty pissed off that night.

this morning, i was definitely revisiting my anger of that night as i scooped the reddish brown cacao into the cup, warmed the strauss cream, and boiled some water. yet, the revisit was similar to watching a movie...there was this distance i wasn't expecting.....much like my reaction to the pictures.

what was my reaction to the pics dear hearts? it was "oh. look, it is him. that's a pretty good shot." then i paused... "huh?" ....and started internally poking at myself. "what do you mean that's a 'good shot'?...where is the anger?" poke. poke. "remember? you were fuckin' pissed off?"....poke. "where is the sadness?" poke some more.

still nothing.

naturally, given my analytical self...just to be sure ....i poked at myself some more this morning while i was mixing and sipping at my morning decadence.


i suppose it was something i needed to go through. i made the best decisions i could at the time. i spent so much time convincing myself it was the "right thing" to do. it was hard. it was painful. the loneliest i have ever felt was when i was with him.

yet, these days....i am so content...so happy. i love my life...for the first time in years and years. it feels so good...this second chance at life. perhaps i needed to experience what i did in order to truly appreciate and recognize my life now. i recognize that i am incredibly fortunate. i have my passions, am surrounded by many wonderful loved ones, and am excited about life's possibilities.

well, what do you know....it has stopped raining and the sun is shining through.

how appropriate.

guess i won't need those rain boots after all.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

I know that cup! ;-)