Friday, December 12, 2008

taking responsibility


recently, the best friend indicated both privately and publicly that "sometimes the universe knows exactly what it is doing." today, her statement came to mind as i walked back home from my yummy lunch at the great china restaurant in downtown berkeley. the lunch started innocently enough. as it was friday, i decided to have a bit of a treat and go to lunch earlier than normal so that i could grab a seat at great china since it crowds up pretty quickly.


i also wanted to have the opportunity to begin reading a recent compilation of astonishing x-men by joss whedon.

as i have mentioned before, i'm a fan of mr whedon. anyway, i was enjoying my ginormous yummy lunch


(which i always know that i'll take home half for another meal) and happily engrossed in whedon's take on kitty pryde, emma frost, beast, and wolverine. once i was done with lunch and had packed up my leftovers.....i started to gather the comic compilation, my journal, and various sundries....and getting ready to leave when a large group walked in and past my table. my back was to them (for which i would be thankful later on) so i didn't see them approach...but i did see them sit down.

i think the oddest parts about moving back to berkeley are the glimpses of people you would rather not see and perhaps would rather not remember. in this case, a member of the group was...hmmm...lets call him T-boy shall we? anyway, so T-boy was among the group. T-boy and i were once good friends while we were at university as we were heavily involved in the same student organizations, writing publications, and actually/deliberately took a couple of classes together. yet, the friendship pretty much ended after he strongly suggested we have sex. it appeared that he didn't seem to think his girlfriend would mind very much.

yeah.

dear hearts, those that know me probably understand that T-boy obviously didn't know me as well as he thought he did.....especially if he thought that even the mere hint or suggestion of such a proposal would be ok with me. obviously the friendship ended. talk about stupid college drama.

i remember kicking myself for quite a long time after that one...."how could i be friends with such a fucker?"...."what did i do to make him think it would be ok to ask such a thing?"...."what did i do wrong?" were the common questions i asked myself. i was much harder on myself in my late teens than i am now (if you can believe it....i've actually mellowed out quite a bit since then). yet today, as i walked back home from the restaurant ...my thoughts were more reflective and viewed through a much older frame of mind....and the question "why did i take so much responsibility for his actions?" arose. he was being a young hormonal shit, probably out to get as much play as he could get, and decided to try to manipulate our friendship and me.

amazing what some experience and a few years can do for perspective.

over the years, i have met and unfortunately, had to do business with quite a few people that lack integrity....and i fully realize that their lack of integrity has nothing to do with me. absolutely nothing. lack of integrity is their choice...not mine.

seeing T-boy just made me appreciate my friends and loved ones even more...as integrity is a quality they all have in common.... in addition to being driven strong minded alphas...each and every one of them of course. i suppose that the T-boy kind of experiences are necessary....as they are painful lessons that also enable me to recognize the presence of character as well as the lack of it.

it also made me think about how hard i am on myself....and perhaps in the future...i will look at myself now...shake my head and my "youth" and unrealistic desire to take responsibility for actions of those that i have no control over...and actions i will never be able to understand nor agree with....since the last time i checked, integrity is important to me....and always will be.

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