Tuesday, January 20, 2009

moving forward

when i checked my email around 7ish this morning, i was a bit surprised by an email "facebook friend" request from an ex-lover. i think there is some irony here somewhere as i have returned from london and there i was, being contacted by the ex-lover that introduced me to london over a decade ago....and was the primary reason i spent so much time in london during that time. i was definitely thinking about this during a break from work today....sipping away at my hot beverage (see above) and chuckling to myself. the gods have quite a sense of humor. if you would have told me that this was going to happen years ago, i wouldn't have believed you. but then again, a lot of things have happened over the past few years that i could have never predicted.

my instant reaction to the email was "you've got to be shitting me" and decided to just ignore the message. yet, that is such a passive way of dealing with it, isn't it? and this isn't the first time he has contacted me with some sort of intent to re-establish superficial contact since the relationship ended.

quite a lot has changed in the decade or so. yet, some things about me have not. sometimes i think i should come with a warning label that says "contact me at your own peril" or... "do not ask me a question if you are not prepared for the answer". there are reasons why loved ones have said things like "you are a handful".

as i am older and a wee bit wiser, i do not regret the relationship i had with the brit. in fact, i know i learned quite a bit about brit culture, communications, and ways of thinking...and this was because of the relationship i had with the brit. these things, in turn, have assisted me in the job i have now....since so many people i work with these days are brits. maybe in the bigger scheme of things, this is why i think i was suppose to be in that relationship. so for that, i thank him.

yet, does this mean i have any intention of having ongoing contact with this particular ex-lover?

nope.

i decided to not be so passive.

so i sent him a direct note indicating that i'm not interested in establishing any connection and this perspective is not going to change in the future. which isn't exactly a "nice" or "diplomatic" thing to do....but i am so tired of being "nice" and why should i extend an effort to be "diplomatic" when i don't want to? i am tired, cranky, have a boatload of stuff to do, and re-establishing contact with any "ex" is not exactly on my priority list. so why not state clearly what i want and do not want? at one point in my life this person was important to me. yet, now he is not and i don't miss him. so why bother? there are people in my life now that i know i would try to move heaven and earth to ensure that i know them forever...in any capacity, but he isn't on that list. doesn't that sound absolutely horrible? but you know what? i'm very ok with it.

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