Wednesday, January 21, 2009

love & friendship

so i was up and typing away at 4:30am this morning. gotta love the jet lag. i was not so virtuous as to be actually working at that time. i ended up messing around on facebook and flickr for a couple of hours. you know when there are times when you are doing things that don't require a lot of brain energy....but your mind is elsewhere?...working and processing on other things? that is what happened to me this morning. i had to get my head back into the "work" mode at 7 am for a few hours and then promptly dropped out of work mode during my lunch break today.

after my last meeting with DH, i headed out around noonish to a local dive-y thai place for some pad won sen. i was in the mood for some noodles and since it started to rain again in the bay area....i didn't want to walk too far during my break.

the place is a dive, but it is consistent, friendly, and fast.

my thai iced tea arrived in about two minutes after i ordered it.

as i stirred and sipped my thai iced tea....waiting for my pad won sen to arrive, i was doing quite a bit more processing about love and friendship....from a more calm frame of mind that i had last night. when i talked to the the heart sister about the whole brit ex-lover situation, one of the things she said was "i cannot believe you were with him as long as you were." my response was "well, to be fair, i wasn't exactly ready to be with someone that was emotionally available at that time." also, since we are talking about fairness.... i haven't exactly been with anyone that i couldn't walk away from....i have had this mentality that anyone that i entered that sort of relationship with....had to be someone that i could leave and not look back. i don't think i consciously did this...you know, it isn't like i talked to myself and said "foodie hunter, don't get involved with anyone that you can't leave"....but i see the pattern now. i was and am so driven. i didn't want anyone to interfere with my academics, becoming financially independent, and my career. i also sure as hell didn't want the end of a relationship to leave me in a worse position that i was before. i have an enormous amount of pride that way.

of course the gods have their own sneaky plan for prideful little foodie hunters that think they can circumvent and control fate. it is a trap of my own making and i sense some major heartache in the future. oddly enough, despite knowing that this is coming....i still have no intention of walking away. quite a first. complicated? yes. confusing? absolutely.

at this point, my lunch entree had arrived....

which i ended up doctoring with large amounts of chili flakes...what can i say? i enjoy spicy food. as i twirled the clear pan friend noodles around the massive plate with my fork, i processed more about lovers vs loved ones. while i had a rather machiavellian perspective about lovers....i had a completely different perspective on loved ones. lovers are the ones that i can do without...but i cannot do without my loved ones. these are the people that i will not walk away from....that have taught me so much about what it means to be loved, cared for.... these are the people that are my family. these are the people i see...and they see me. these are the people that love me, even when i am a complete shit....and i love them, even when they are being cranky.

yet, what would happen if a lover and a loved one were one and the same? that is the bazillion dollar question isn't it? wouldn't that be incredibly scary? wouldn't that mean actually risking everything emotionally? wouldn't that mean that you couldn't maintain that carefully built distance? wouldn't that mean that you wouldn't even want to have that distance? wouldn't that mean entrusting this person with enough power to completely annihilate you? wouldn't it mean that you wouldn't care because being with them pushes you to be the best person that you could possibly be?

yes. it does.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

"...i haven't EXACTLY been with anyone I couldn't walk away from...."

hee hee

(Emphasis mine)