Monday, February 23, 2009

do you miss him?


"do you miss him?"

asked the best friend while she was driving down to SB on friday night for the weekend. she, was, of course, referring to the ex-husband. memory is a funny thing....and emotions are even funnier.

hmmm funny.

i suppose that is one way of looking at this.

i was thinking about my response to the best friend all weekend...even while i was working, i could feel me processing this in the background. most of you dear hearts, know what part of my answer was...as i touched upon not missing him in an earlier posting. yet, i provided a bit more detail to the best friend on friday. the reason why i don't miss him now....is because i missed him for the last years we were together. for years, i missed the "him" that he used to be....and i stuck around (because we were married at that point...you better believe that he didn't pull this kind of shit before we were married) thinking that he'd get his self respect back...instead of spiraling more downward. also, i believed in "for better" and "for worse"...thinking that "for worse"...was something that we needed to work through and that it would get better. i remember thinking "it has to get better". little did i know that i was the only one that felt this way....and that his spiraling downward was a combination of many things.....primarily his lack of wanting to take responsibility for his own actions and his deteriorating sense of self worth.

the last year i was with him was the loneliest time in my entire life. it is rather amazing to feel the most lonely when you are with someone....when you are married to someone....who you see change into a kind of person that you no longer have respect for. this is not a good situation to be in....that is a lot of soundless crying during hot showers.

so you see, i missed and mourned him ....and the loss of what we had....even before the marriage ended.

funny how it worked out that way. see what i mean about "funny"?

yet something that made me particularly sad, was telling the best friend how weird it was that i didn't miss him....but i that i missed his mother. are you surprised dear reader? how often do you hear someone say that they miss their mother-in-law?

it was this that i was thinking about today, as i made my spicy and salty eggplant on toasted acme upstairs bread. i allowed myself some private time around lunch time in my kitchen today....to just nibble, gaze out of the window, and think about this woman who i will never see again. she's a writer. she has a strong personality and is very clever. she loves to garden, take photos, and has a temper to match her hair. if she and i met at work or though mutal friends (rather than her son), she is someone i would have been good friends with ...even though she HATES to cook and thinks zinfindel is pink.

as i cradled the hot reheated bowl of eggplant in a yellow towel,


i thought about that day that she cried when she told me how much she loved me and how she appreciated the way that i took care of her son. this isn't a woman that cried easily. this was a conversation we had before her son and i were engaged...and here was this woman surrounding and enveloping me with emotions. i was a bit out of my element that day.

i never told her son about that conversation.

but he was there when his mother gave me her favorite grandmother's pearls. this too, was before we were engaged. i realize now, how significant this moment was....it was her way of telling her son that she considered me family. it was those same pearls i left carefully nestled in a box on his desk when i left.

i wonder if he gave them back to his mother.

"a lot to chew on", i thought laughingly as i took bites of my spicy eggplant on toast.

the ex-english major with the bad puns makes an appearance at the oddest times. yet, it is a lot to chew on and think about. throughout this process, i've learned that the divorce wasn't just a severing of a relationship, expectations, and a life with one person....it was a severing of many relationships.

for a while there, i didn't allow myself the right to be sad or miss his mom, his step father (who was more of a father than his "real" father in my humble opinion), and one of his best friends. the chef....who took time out of his sous chef duties at a top restaurant to make me an individual souffle the first time we met; talked heatedly about video games, politics, books, and nina simone the second time; and completely won me over the third time when i met his then girlfriend and now wife. i remember thinking "wow, his girlfriend is this warm hearted, smart, and sassy gal. i like this guy."

yet, now..... i know nothing about what they are doing and how they are doing. it is odd, but understandable. these were "his people"....just like i have "my people".....and interestingly enough, we really didn't have any "our people". perhaps this says a lot about the marriage doesn't it? oh the signs! the signs! the blinking signs! well, hindsight is perfect isn't it? sigh.

at least it made the divorce less messy than it could have been....and i know now that these were things i needed to go through in order to grow and understand more about love, friendship, and commitment. i mean, if i hadn't gotten divorced, i wouldn't have moved back to berkeley, created a goal to be more "open", and would have prob never started this blog! qu'elle horror. this blog has given me the opportunity to combine so many passions as well as push me. it has provided me with this safe semi-anonymous place to be "me". perhaps this too...is one of the reasons why i needed to go through such a challenging time....to find out more about what i am really capable of...including pursuing my own passions.

i suppose we shall see.

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