Friday, February 13, 2009

"proud of you....."

BF had a meeting in rockridge last night so we met up after his meeting and he took me to dinner at the always lovely A Cote. i arrived a bit early to rockridge though as i wanted to have a few minutes to browse and buy in the pasta shop....which is one of my favorite haunts in rockridge.

can you see why?

i think you can see why.

i love lemon curd and ended buying a jar.....

i had bought some of these for the best friend at the bittersweet cafe and decided to pick up some more...

so many goodies in one place.

i really like this place. in another life, when i made substantially less money and lived in rockridge, i remember coming in here and having to think a long time about what i had enough money/budget to buy. yet, i would typically come in here at once a week for some sort of treat.

later on that evening at A Cote, while BF and i were enjoying our absolutely lovely meal of kabocha squash gnocchi, coq au vin, marinated olives, and pomme frites....BF decided to bring up that former life. he decided to tell me that he was very proud of me....for really making a better life for myself. it was enough to almost make me cry over my yummy wine....not crying in a bad way....if that makes sense.

i think that i've firmly established that i have quite a bit of pride. i know it is one of the deadly sins...yet, i have to acknowledge that my pride and stubbornness are integral parts of me and are not likely to go away anytime. my life now is over 100% better than it was before. i am the most happy that i have been in years and years. i love my life. this was not always the case when i was married.

i think more than anyone, BF and DB were the ones that saw how affected i was by the demise of the marriage. they took me in and took care of me during those critical weeks where i didn't know where i was going to live and adjust to the fact that my life had irrevocably changed. forever. the experience of betrayal and lack of respect by someone that i had committed my life to was fairly devastating. in an odd way, it was also a relief. it meant that i didn't have to be committed to someone who obviously wasn't as committed [hindsight speaking here] as i was. friends and loved ones brought up the "D-word" to me many times during the last year of the marriage as everyone saw his spiralling self worth...yet, to me, at that time, divorce wasn't an option. from my perspective, at the time, when i am "in" ....i am "in" and i take things like vows of forever....very very seriously....even though this particular person didn't deserve it [again, hindsight speaking]. just stubborn that way. stubbornness can be quite the double-edged sword at times.

it was definitely my pride and stubbornness that got me through the demise of the marriage...and gave me the single minded goal of "everything in my life HAS to be better". BF, in particular, has had a bird's eye view of this entire process. "so you haven't heard anything about him or his life?" BF asked. "nope, and i don't expect to." we share no friends and i took the steps necessary to ensure that he can't contact me.

i suppose this is the saddest part of the whole thing isn't it? realize that i was so committed to someone that at the end of the day, i could walk away from and not miss. a bit of a weird paradox isn't it? especially since i know that there are people in my life where i know that i am not able to walk away from and would be willing to "figure something out" about maintaining contact.

when the ex asked me that fateful evening not to cut him out of my life completely because he wasn't certain if he could handle that...i said "i don't know."....which we all know, was really..."i-don't-want-to-make-this-more-difficult-than-it-already-is-so-i-am-going-to-say-i-don't-know-when-i-really-know-that-as-soon-as-the-divorce-is-over-you-are-so-not-going-to-be-in-my-life."

because, deep down, i know who i can walk away from...and who i can't. i bet that it is the same for you as well.

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