Tuesday, March 17, 2009

midnight musings and letting go

i didn't realize until the other day that "letting go" included some unexpected nuances. typically, when i think of "letting go" of a relationship, i thought it meant letting go of the care you have for that person as well as letting go of the expectations of the life you thought you would have together. i thought of it as an acceptance that what you had is no longer what you have. i must be doing too much strategy work these days, to think about this kind of stuff in such "big picture" framework.....because, the devil is really in the details.

the other day, i had a late afternoon appointment with my new tax guy in the city. i have never been to his office before, so i'm the type (big surprise) to always want to give myself some time to find the place...as well as potentially arrive 5-10 min early. i was doing my brisk and determined walk downtown toward the tax guy's office, listening to tunes on my ipod, when i noticed a man sitting on a corner, hunched over his knees, the brown hoodie drawn over his head, and his hand held with a styrofoam cup in the air. now i used to work downtown....and street people are part of the landscape. sad, yes...but true. this street person didn't fit into the landscape. he was wearing Sk8-Hi vans and a hipster workman jacket over his brown hoodie. his clothes weren't really dirty and the shoes weren't super worn. because he didn't really seem to fit into the landscape, i took a closer look at him as i passed and when i did, i felt my breath catch. there was a lock of golden red hair that could be seen outside of the hoodie. there are not a lot of men with that hair color.

as i crossed the street, i could feel my mind race. is that him? the shoes, the jacket, hoodie, and the hair. could he have let himself spiral that far? i stopped across the street and turned around. i stood there looking at this motionless man that looked like he wanted the ground to swell up around him.

then i felt angry...at myself. my gad, how could i think that could be him? him and his specialized creative developer skill set....six figure salary..... with two sets of parental units.....grandparents....and extended family support system. he has never known what it means to be hungry and there was no way that he would EVER know what it is like to be hungry. so i turned back around and walked toward the tax guy's office.

yet, it bothered me.

i was 15 min early for my appointment, so i stopped into caffe roma to buy AC some beans of his favorite roast, sicilian gold. as the gal behind the counter was getting the beans together, i tried to distract myself by taking pics

and looking at the pastries (i hadn't eaten all day)

yet, despite how lovely they looked, i couldn't bring myself to order anything.....i wasn't hungry. the gal bagged up the beans for me and left through their back door....

which led me super close to the tax guy's office. the meeting with the tax guy was done in, like, 10 minutes tops...and of course, the ex-husband came up. detangling oneself, i've found, is complicated.

the image of the guy on the corner was still bothering me when i left the tax guy's office. i remember being very annoyed at myself. i remember thinking "you don't know for sure if that was him...and if it was....this is why there are certain things in place....you didn't want to be found.....you knew there was a chance that this could happen....and that someday he'd go through AA and want to 'make amends' for his closure.....and fuck his closure. you don't owe him anything. you are no longer responsible for him."

responsibility. hmmmmm. now there is a word.

letting go of a sense of responsibility was the nuance that i wasn't expecting.

then i thought to myself, "you know what? you are just doing this mind fuck on yourself because you haven't eaten all day." so i stopped into l'osteria del forno because i had never been. i had heard many good things from SN and JBlo about it. yet, despite having a good chuckle with my very friendly french server, i remember eating the food.....

but not really tasting it. this is no fault of the restaurant. i was completely distracted.

for the first few months after i left the house that night, i kept wishing he would be eaten by a shark. (note: this is not unfeasible considering where he likes to surf....and i thought that would be some poetic justice in him being eaten by one). yet, now.....i realized that i didn't wish him ill. "OMG. when the hell did that happen? when did i go from, i wish you would die and be eaten by a shark...to i don't wish you to experience misfortune? WTF?"

i mean, i knew some stuff had changed a while ago...when i unexpectedly saw those pics in december on JS's flickr page and didn't feel angry. yet, this was a bit different. sigh. so when the very french waiter came by with my change, i made a decision. i would go back to where the guy on the corner was and place the change into the cup to see if it was him. if it was him, then i'd put him in hotel and call his mother. so i walked back to that spot....and interestingly enough, a protest had gathered....

so the guy was no longer there.

then for a fleeting moment, i wondered how i could find out if my ex had reached bottom yet....you know, without actually contacting him. this would be difficult considering that there are no people that we have in common. then i felt this sadness settle in. "ahhh, foodie hunter," i murmured to myself "letting go...means letting go. of everything. even your sense of responsibility." because at the end of the day....and i write this without any anger or malice...but rather matter-of-factly..... i do not want him to be a part of my life. my life is so much better without him.

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