Friday, May 29, 2009

ironic morning

i woke up quite early this morning. i woke up sad. i think that i'm just going to have to accept that this is the way it is....which isn't easy for the super duper fast-paced foodie hunter. the arrogant little foodie hunter would like to skip over the sad part as quickly as possible. she can hear the stern internal voice exclaiming "move on. NOW! NOW! NOW!" she is obviously very hard on herself and her lack of control over unwelcome, unwanted, and unfamiliar emotions.

this is who she is.

a loved one once wrote to me that he thought my "attention to others is really unparalleled" and that i should spend more time worrying about myself and what i need.

there is some irony there. lots and lots of levels of irony.

if i love you, then i love you. a lot. forever. if i don't love you, well, then i'm indifferent. if i hate you, then i'll hate you forever.

not a lot of gray there.

what i know is that i love this person and i need to move on. these two things are constant and certain for me. i've been having a fascinating and supremely uncomfortable time figuring out how to stop loving someone when they haven't done anything to hurt me. i also have a feeling that in putting my needs first, i may have hurt this someone. something i never wanted to do and something i never anticipated doing. quite a bind isn't it?

yet this time, i think i'm just going to have to take responsibility for causing the present hurt...because, this time....i am going to put my needs first. i also know that in doing so, i've lost a bond that i know i will miss. for always.

it all just makes me sad.

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