Sunday, May 10, 2009

just tell you how it is

i'm at the star alliance lounge at sfo at the moment. i am on my way to the uk. i wrote this posting last night....but wanted to wait until this morning to post it. i wasn't certain how open i really wanted to be. yet, i've decided that the only way to move forward is to put aside my pride and just tell you how it is.

9th of may 2009

i went to kim huong this afternoon to grab a bowl of bun bo hue. it was yummy and comforting as expected.

i really needed it to be. while i paid for the bill, one of the owners asked me "by yourself today?"

i felt like i had been hit.

the last time i was here..... i brought someone with me for the first time. it wasn't a random person either. why would i bring a random person to a place that is one of my sanctuaries? it reminded me that sometimes it isn't such a great idea to bring people in.

i suppose i should let you know what is going on.

i fell for someone. the feelings are unrequited. i knew they would be unrequited as it was happening. in my arrogance, i thought i could control these silly feelings of mine and make them disappear through sheer will and stubbornness. it didn't work. i vary between beating myself up about it and just accepting these emotions. i am hoping that with acceptance, distance, and time... i'll move on.

i never wanted or intended this to happen. i feel like i've always tried to go out of my way to avoid this sort of thing from happening to me. i suppose this is my comeuppance for my avoidance and arrogance. now, i have damaged and likely lost a bond that i know i will miss. for always.

so if i seem a bit sad for a while, now you know why.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Oh chic-- I'm sorry.

And it's totally fine to cry in public places. I have made a practice of it.