Friday, May 1, 2009

the plan

a long time ago, when i was an editor and was being recruited to a rival publishing house, i was flown to boston for what seemed like a never ending stream of interviews. one of the senior editors asked me to tell her about what drives me.

i didn't tell her about the primary drivers for me....which are

1) to ensure that those i love know without any doubt that i love them
2) to strive to be a good person

instead, i told her about another one....which was and still is a pretty biggie motivator....i told her about my "fear of failure". this is a nicer way of saying that i really don't want to fuck up and i'm pretty scared of the consequences of fucking up. the senior editor was pretty surprised. i don't think she expected me to be that honest. yet, she gave me a "thumbs up" to the editor-in-chief.

maybe it is because i am sick and emotions are nearer to the surface, but i've been thinking an awful lot about my fear of fucking things up and the consequences of doing so. it was enough to make me break into a pint of ben and jerry's coffee health bar crunch ice cream (see above pic) for lunch today. it was one of those..."who needs a bowl?" kind of days. thankfully, i wasn't completely indulging myself...else i would have crawled under the bed covers, clutching a spoon in one hand and the pint of ice cream in the other.....yelling "GO AWAY! RIGHT NOW!! I AM SO TIRED OF YOU!!" to certain emotions between eating spoonfuls of ice cream.

you know, it is suppose to be easier to take the safe route. you get all cocky and think you are "safe" cause you have a plan. you know....the plan to focus on things that you can work for/towards and have a certain emotional distance from. you know...the plan to avoid wanting things that you cannot have....and only wanting things that are tangible and/or right in front of me. because if i want what is tangible, there is less opportunity to fuck up and deal with the consequences of fucking up.

things would be so much easier if emotions just went along with the plan.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Easier maybe, but totally boring. And good luck ever growing as a person!