Wednesday, May 13, 2009

unsubscribe me

location: manchester, england
time: almost midnight

kay, i'm exhausted. the last couple of days, the meetings have started at 7:30am and run until after 10pm. the evening meetings are the business dinners....which i know are necessary, yet, it makes for an exhausted foodie hunter. there is no down time until right now....when i sit here at this desk in this anonymous hotel room that looks like dozens of other hotel rooms i have been in before. at this desk, i could be in any city around the world.

there are some potential changes for me at work. throughout the day, i've had small and large conversations about this. one of these conversations was over lunch at this random food shack nearby. i had a baked potato stuffed with chicken jalfrezi. in this part of the uk, they refer to a baked potato as being a "jacket". so i had a chicken jalfrezi jacket for lunch today.

it felt a bit surreal to be discussing my potential future over a chicken jalfrezi jacket, but oh well. i'll talk about it more when/if things become more solid.....but the jist of it involves a substantial increase in my level of responsibility. quite substantial. so much for "hiding out". i should be excited about this as the potential challenges could be incredibly stimulating.

yet instead, in between the chaotic moments at work, my silly feelings would rise up at the oddest moments.

like, wouldn't it be cool to talk to a specific someone about what it is going on? to get his advice? his perspective? then i would think about what he is doing right now with his work and his life. however, for the first time, this is not possible. we've agreed that distance would be being good for both of us....and as a part of implementing this distance, i've unsubscribed from various news feeds and implemented filters on social media related to him.

so, i don't automatically see what he is up to anymore.

it feels really weird. weird in a not so great way. i never wanted to not know how he is doing. i never wanted to be in a position where i couldn't email, call, or txt him to see how he is.

yet, here i am, exactly in this position.

i tell myself and him that distance is necessary for my silly feelings to dissipate so that i can move on. practically, i know this is true. i know that this is something i need to do.

yet, i can say this honestly and without reservation (especially since he doesn't read this blog), that i really don't want to move on. not truly. yet, what other option is there when what i feel is one-sided? i feel like the gawds have played some mean trick on me....because all of the wanting and wishing won't change a damn thing.

so what do i do?

i put myself in a situation where i am forcing myself to move on and hope that it will work and the feelings will fade. then, when they fade, maybe....just maybe....i can be that friend i once was. right now, i can't be that friend. i can't be that friend i used to be. you know, the friend that would support, listen, and be there for him while he fell for and decided to be with someone.

wouldn't it be so much easier if we could unsubscribe to feelings as easily as it is to unsubscribe to a news feed?
it would make my life more simple. perhaps i should send a little prayer to the gawds whispering, "will you help unsubscribe me"? do you think they would hear me?

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