Thursday, June 25, 2009

closure with B

i don't know about you....but there is usually a limit to the amount of emotionally tiring activities that i am willing to tackle at a given time. i know that i won't avoid the activities altogether, i put dealing with them on hold until i think i am in the right place to deal with them.

the other day, one of these activities consisted of closing the PO box. it was the PO box that i used for various divorce-oriented paperwork. it was the final piece. it was a pretty emotionally charged event. this evening is the first time i've spoken of it. after i closed the PO box, i stopped into naia for some gelato (2 flavors = rose and strawberry cheesecake).

i hoped that the creamy sweetness would soothe some of the anxiousness that i was feeling. as i was walking, thinking, and tasting the gelato, i realized what i needed was closure.

i never said what i wanted to say. i never said good bye.

the last time i saw B was the night he did what he did. i was devastated, hurt, and angry....yet, right before i left i gave him a hug. i know many of you, dear hearts, were quite befuddled by this and had numerous suggestions of what i should have done instead. yet, even at my most angry, i didn't want to hurt him and i didn't want the last memory to be one of anger and perhaps, one of regret. our communications after that were strictly divorce related and i was in a numb state....i treated the divorce proceedings like a project and attacked it accordingly, wanting to get it done as efficiently as possible. B just went along for the ride. i doubt he read anything he signed. he was probably feeling too guilty.

yet, during that time, i never said, wrote, or communicated anything negative to him. no name calling. no accusations. nothing. i didn't want to hurt him, even with the truth.

i look back on that time and think it is rather amazing that i didn't. he was really lucky. quite.

yet, as a result, i never said what i needed to say. so, now that i've submitted the last of my reports from last week's trip, i am sitting here....finally going to say good bye....almost two years later.

here it goes....

hello B,

thank you.

thank you for doing what you did that night.

your actions that evening were impulsive, thoughtless, and completely absent of care or respect for me as a person. when you asked me not to cut you out of my life and i said that i couldn't promise anything because i didn't know... i lied. yup. i lied. i knew in that moment that once the divorce was finalized, that i never wanted to see, talk to, or hear about you ever again. the fact that you even asked was quite incredulous. i put forth seven years of my life into that relationship and i wasn't about to put forth a day more. my emotions were swirling that evening and included in the pain and the anger, was a surprising feeling of relief. it was a relief to know that i was going to be free. while i was feeling oddly guilty for feeling relief at the time.....it was a relief to know that i was being absolved of my promise, of my commitment to you. toward the end of the marriage i learned what it meant to be lonely and now, it feels good to no longer feel that way.

yet, despite the betrayal and pain that you inflicted, i must thank you for letting me go. because once you let me go, i was able to have the freedom to learn what it means to care and love someone that sees me. not just accepts me. but sees me. i was given the opportunity to understand and feel a dizzingly sense of desire...physically, emotionally, and intellectually, for the first time. it no longer escapes me why people are turned into fools for feelings of love....and why they don't care.

even though it didn't work out with this person and i know that the resulting discomfort will stay with me for a very long time, i would do it all again. in an instant. i have no regrets. i finally understand what it is suppose to feel like, why i didn't have that with you, and why i was never going to have it with you. you were always more emotionally aware than i was and it is no wonder you were so jealous....watching....waiting...to see if the next super intense guy was going to be the "one" where i would discover what was lacking between us. yet, ironically enough, if you hadn't done what you did....then, i would have never have known. i was committed, had no experiences for comparison, and would have never done anything that would have been disrespectful to you as a person.

i think the marriage to you was necessary for me to grow and to understand that if i decide to make a lifetime commitment to someone, they must match me in my passion, drive, intellect, capacity for care, and approach to the world. we both know that you were not my match. you wanted to be, but you weren't. i see now how difficult that must have been difficult on your self esteem...to feel lacking. yet, i am not going to apologize for who i am. these qualities have been with me since i was a child and will remain with me until it is my time to pass on. the marriage between us has taught me that i'd rather forgo that type of relationship completely than be committed to someone that is not capable of walking next to me, our strides in synch.

so thank you B. thank you for letting me go.

good bye.

me

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Lots to say to this-- but I will say it later.

Much love to you.