well, i'm finally here. i arrived at my hotel in orlando about 3am. it has been an interesting trip so far.
i felt a bit nervous on the way to SFO yesterday when i saw that my flight would be going through thunderstorms. at first, i thought my nervousness was a bit odd. the particularly frightening flight back from hong kong was in november and i've done thousands and thousands of miles in the air since then with no emo issues. then i realized that it was also the recent tragedy with the air france flight that contributed to my nervousness.
i ended up placating my bit of nervousness with trying out some random coconut pudding from one of the airport food places, it was kind of interesting and was a welcome distraction...
yet, the nervousness didn't help very much when we ended up having to de-board the plane because there was something wrong with the weather radar antenna on the plane. nice. so i just ended up parking on the floor for a while, wondering what would happen if i just didn't go.
we eventually boarded the plane about 4 hours after we were scheduled to leave....and the turbulence hit pretty quickly and was quite consistent throughout the flight. the turbulence was no where near the scale of the hong kong flight.
i'd rather not experience myself floating above my seat listening to people scream and laugh around me again. i kept reminding myself that this wasn't like the hong kong flight and i have actually experienced bumpier rides than this one...yet, for some reason, the nervousness and tension would not subside. i couldn't even eat the flight meal.
then, i promised myself that as soon as i got to my hotel, i would send an email to those that i love and let them know. i also did the run-down and thought...does this person know? or this person? and yes, they do. so when i finally arrived at my hotel, feeling quite sentimental and tired, i wrote up the email to them. yes, they all got one email. it was then that i realized i had to ask/answer another question.
do i include him on the email?
i just sat there staring at the email interface. i even typed in his email address. then deleted it. then typed it in again. i mean, jez, it was 3am. i did not need this kind of dilemma. i ended up not including him. i had asked for distance and i ended up thinking that it would be disrespectful to send the email.....particularly since i am not over him. i mean, i should be in or out....and not be jumping back and forth. i've given up on trying to give myself a deadline for the feelings i have for him to dissipate. at this point, i'm wondering if they will. but i think that is another story for another time.
not including him on the email it bothered me all day while i was working though.
because, despite not seeing him or talking to him, i do love him. i think he knows that. at least i hope he knows that. i mean, when you tell someone that despite your best efforts to the contrary, you have unrequited feelings for them, i think one can infer love...even outside of him being one of my closest friends.
so hence....the reason for this posting. i am hoping that by talking about it here.... maybe it will stop bothering me and i will have fulfilled the promise i made to myself of letting those that i love, know that i love them....including the one that i no longer see or talk to, but the love is still there.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009