Saturday, June 13, 2009

the love letter

"do what you have to do and then take the rest of the day off." declared DH to me on friday morning around 7am.

the past week has been some pretty nutty hours. i was extremely tired when i talked to DH that morning so i didn't argue. i stopped working around 10:30 am and seriously contemplated just sleeping the rest of the day. yet, there was something nagging at me.

7x7 was running a contest for a "love letter" to certain SF neighborhoods....and i remember thinking, i'd like to do one...just for the blog help me verbalize some of the things going on with me. the due date for the contest was friday. i didn't think i would make it because work has been to crazy. so DH saying that i should take the day off was almost, like, "a sign". this would give me a chance to go to pac heights and confront a few things...and perhaps "reclaim" that neighborhood as "mine".

so off i went to the confront 6+ months of memories spent with a loved one in pac heights. as i exited the bart station....

hopped into a cab....

and looked out the cab windows...

i could feel a bit of nervousness. it was a similar kind of nervousness and anticipation i felt when i was on my way during the early evenings to see this loved one. "hmmm," i remember thinking to myself, "is this such a good idea after all? am i really ready for this? i miss him." yet, i felt like this was something i needed to do. once the cabbie dropped me off, i set about walking up and down the street,

taking pictures of key places that we spent time together....from Zinc details....

to SPQR....

to la boulange...

and more. i also took a shot of my boudoir...which we did not go in together, but there were moments where we tried not to look at each other when we passed my boudoir...which is a wonderful lingerie store....filled with very tastefully sexy and elegant items.

from an emotional perspective, it wasn't easy taking pics of these spots and revisiting the places i spent with him. not at all. once i was done, i went into bittersweet cafe....which we had also visited for blue bottle coffee

....and i thought it was a bit apropos that i was going to write a bittersweet love letter in a cafe called bittersweet. perhaps this was yet another sign.

to help with this difficult yet necessary task, i ordered their yummy and comforting flight of hot chocolate which included spicy, bittersweet, and classic hot chocolate flavors.

these small warm cups of sweetness supported me through each word.

here is the letter i wrote for the 7x7 contest:

"I fell for you when we first met. Intellectually, I knew it was a bad idea. As a girl born of the ‘loin, how could I dream of a future with Pac Heights? Yet, I was willingly seduced by your charms . My eyes wide open. Now, I find myself sitting here in my self-exile across the bay, reminiscing of the moments when I pretended you were mine. Within each of these moments I could feel myself fall further and hopelessly in love. What were these moments? There were so many. Yet, they were so simple, so everyday. These moments included the admiration of design whimsy at Zinc Details…the studious blushes while passing the evocatively tempting My Boudoir….the weekend mornings of french toast at La Boulange…the warm smiles and coziness over house- made sausage and salumi at SPQR….the late night walks up and down the sloping Fillmore street, and even the random dropping in at Bittersweet for hot and smooth Blue Bottle coffee. Each of these moments made me love you more. Yet, I realize now, sitting in my abode, a bridge and tunnel away, that this love is one that I will hold solely in my memories. I want you to know though, that in each of those moments, I was inexplicably yours."

by the time i had finished writing the letter, i was done with my flight of hot chocolate....

so i ordered a cup of the spicy hot chocolate to sip on

while i logged into the bittersweet cafe wifi.

after i posted the letter to the 7x7 site.... i was practically hyperventilating. this may sound a bit odd, but posting something like that to 7x7 seems a lot more "public" than posting things to this blog. also, despite the letter being framed as a letter to pac heights....there are obviously..... a lot more things wrapped up in that letter....and by putting that letter out there....i also feel like i put myself out there as well.

as i walked to the bus stop...

and hopped on muni away from pac heights,

i couldn't help but feel a bit something was missing. it makes sense doesn't it? because something is missing.

a piece of me is missing.

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