Sunday, July 12, 2009

new experiences for all

i no longer feel so restless.

this past weekend, BF and i took a very long walk from the sf ferry building to the mission district. after an initial walk around the sf ferry building, i suggested that we go to humphry slocombe for some ice cream. i knew that BF shares my adoration of ice cream and had a feeling he was going to love humphry slocombe as much as i do. surprisingly enough, BF has never really walked around the mission and 25th street area and was also game when i suggested that we stop into la taqueria before heading to humphry slocombe on harrison and 24th.

while i introduced BF to some new experiences such as eating at la taqueria and humphry slocombe (see above picture for the jesus juice sorbet aka kermit lynch cotes du rhone and coke classic), BF provided some insight that may lead to some new experiences for me as well.

during the lingering walk, we spoke about some of the things that have been going on for me. as i have mentioned before, it was BF and DB that took everyday care of me in their home right after the marriage ended that evening about two years ago. yet, it wasn't until this past weekend that BF and i discussed my unrequited feelings and the sadness about the possibility of losing one of my closest friends. BF said many things to me during that long walk, just one of the things that stood out was "just be sure of what you want" as he, like many of my loved ones, knows my tendency to try to wrap things up as quickly as possible and move onward. BF also suggested giving it more time...saying that it could take a year or even three [interject foodie hunter look of horror "THREE!"]...who knows...but that i shouldn't make any decisions that would make the entire relationship seem meaningless.

BF knows how to go right for the jugular sometimes.

i hadn't really thought about it that way....because, i definitely don't view the relationship with this loved one as meaningless. my gawd. anything but.

"you mean, it would actually be ok to not talk for, like a year, and then just pop up again? people actually do that in situations like this one?" i asked.

"yes" BF responded, "it happens all of the time."

well, this was some food for thought for the foodie hunter. it is amazing isn't it? that i am this socially retarded to not know about this sort of stuff ....and how this is actually an option. that it is actually feasible to ask this of another person. then again, i've never been in this situation before. admittedly, i've been pretty good at avoiding complicated situations. yet, this is different. as this person is on the "list". you know, the very short list of people that i love.

so, over the weekend, i've asked myself a few things....

Q: what is it that i want?

A: i want to know him for always. this is what i want. this is what i have always wanted.

Q: why?

because i love him and have a tremendous amount of respect for him, his drive, intellect, creativity, curiosity, and passion to do the right thing. i love the fact that he is watchful and considerate. i even love his tendency to be a supremely rebellious snarky smart ass on numerous occasions.

Q: if there is the slightest chance that we could remain friends, even after an extended amount of time and distance, would i be willing to be open to it?

A: yes. for me, the awkwardness would be worth it.

Q: even if there is no guarantee? because....well, it does take two....and well, i've probably made him extremely uncomfortable.

A: yes, even if there is no guarantee.

hmmmm. i guess i'm just going to have to wait and see what happens then. this is going to be quite the new experience for me.

No comments: