Thursday, July 9, 2009

restless conclusions

i am feeling restless.

i am emotionally tired and drained.

yet, i feel restless. even while i was digging into my lovely south indian thali dinner at udupi palace, i felt restless and anxious.

i even went to a movie theatre where i could lay down on the couch and watch star trek...hoping to lose myself in another world for a couple of hours...and hoping that it would somehow soothe me.

yet, here i am. still feeling weary and restless.

i am not quite certain what to do about it.

i am not certain what i should say or what i shouldn't say. it is my hope that as i type the words, somehow, what i need to say will just appear.

does that ever happen to you? trying to write whatever comes to the hope that you'll find the release that you are looking for? that somehow what needs to be said will be said?

what about when you don't understand exactly what it is you are feeling?

i mean, you feel what you are feeling but it doesn't make sense. when feelings are contradictory....and you second guess, third guess, and fourth guess yourself. you wonder if you should have been stronger, had more control over your feelings, hidden them better, or figured out a way to bend them to your will.

then, about two seconds later, you wonder what would have happened if you had? would you be there....listening, seeing, and being the good friend....feeling guilty for coveting what you should not...berating yourself for cowardice, not being truthful, not owning up and taking responsibility for what you were feeling.

yet, as you love him, you want him to find happiness. absolutely. positively. without a doubt. you are actually glad (talk about confusing) that he met someone that he wants to be with. yet, you are wondering if the gawds have an evil sense of have you watch while the one you wish you could be with.... be with someone else.

how is that possible to be anything other than utterly heartbreaking?

yet, how is losing one of your closest friends anything other than utterly heartbreaking? especially when you really believed and "just knew" that you would know them forever.

so what do you do?

do you sit there with a scale and try to figure out which would be less heartbreaking? is that even possible? for something to feel less heartbreaking?

i don't think so. because that is what this is, isn't it?

this is heartbreak.

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