Tuesday, July 14, 2009

unavoidable evidence

it is hot again today. i'm sitting here, eating yet another bowl (compostable naturally...this is a berkeley after all) of frozen yogurt from yogurt harmony. this time, it is vanilla custard though. i really don't feel like working at the moment. instead, i feel like eating my yogurt,


writing, and telling you, dear reader, about a very recent and unexpected experience.

when the marriage ended with B about a couple of years ago, i neither intentionally took nor wanted any personal items that had any reminder of the life we had together. unlike other couples, there were no arguments about things like wedding rings, things purchased together, or things like pictures. B, with his numerous amounts of cameras and camera-oriented accessories was the one that took pictures. would it surprise you dear readers to know that i did not? so, in many ways, it was like the relationship went "poof" and was gone. no hard evidence in my possession. no reminders.

yet, as i have been reminded over the past couple of years, life is not so cleanly dealt with, and the gawds have other plans for arrogant foodie hunters like myself.

as i have blogged about previously, in december 2008, i unexpectedly came across pics of B and i on a loved one's flickr page during a trip out to st. louis a few years ago. i had no idea those pics were there (or i wouldn't have gone through the site). yet, when i saw them, there wasn't any anger or pain. then, just recently, while looking for something from my previous job, i came across a bunch of pictures in various envelopes.

amongst the pics were a few wedding pictures that the heart sister had taken. this was rather unexpected. she included copies of these pics with a christmas card i had saved.

so much for not taking evidence with me, huh?

yet, as i sat there studying the pictures, i realized that in those moments, B really did love me and was not afraid to show it. while i looked at the pictures, i felt no anger, sadness, or bitterness. i found myself acknowledging that there were some great moments during that relationship. yet, they were images from my past...another life really....a life that seems like it was an incredibly long time ago given the changes i have experienced.

looking at the pictures made me also realize that there are many different types of heart break. ironically enough, in my quest to avoid any and all flavors, i've experienced them anyways. yet, i have made quite a life for myself. i am still here and i am quite fortunate.

emotions are incredibly odd. while telling myself that "i just need time" wasn't very effective in comforting my prominent and contrary bundle of emotions....the unexpected experience of finding these pictures provided more comfort than anything that i or anyone else could say to me.

now, as i sit here, finishing up my frozen yogurt.....realizing that i should really get back to work now....i cannot help but shake me head and say "life is full of irony." it is quite ironic that seeing wedding pictures and recalling the end of a marriage ends up providing comfort for a heart break. i mean, you can't really make this stuff up.

i mean really.

really.

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