Wednesday, August 26, 2009

just wanted to let you know

i think its time for you and i to have a chat. perhaps over some very strong english tea and a few of these delicious shortbread cookies from patisserie philippe.

a lovely gift from a fellow foodie who knew that i don't have the opportunity to visit this wonderful patisserie now that i live in the east bay. there is something quite appropriate about us having this chat over tea and cookies. i have a feeling that over the course of human history there have been lots of disclosures over warm beverages and sweet treats.

so here we are.

just you and me.

well, i wanted let you know that there have been a few things that i've wanted to say over the past few weeks. yet, i have remained silent.

one of the motivations behind my starting this blog was to challenge me.....a notoriously private and what many people have and still label as "cold", "distant", "impersonal", etc. when they are being be more open to letting others see who i am. this has not been an easy let people see the person that prior to writing this blog, only a select few loved ones had the opportunity to see.

over the past year and a half, i've shared my joys, foibles, weaknesses, anger, and some of the most private of thoughts regarding marriage, divorce, rebuilding a life post-divorce, falling for a loved one, and heart break. i've shown you the high expectations i have for myself while also poking fun at my pretty obvious weaknesses. as i have done these revealing things, i've watched in partial fascination and horror as more and more people visit the blog, more links appear, more organizations requesting use of various pictures, more people figuring out who i am, etc. etc.

it was unexpected.

i could feel myself retreat away from the original motivation of being more open. i began wondering if this blog was becoming something different....and increasingly more distant...and increasingly less "me".

i began thinking that "well, maybe that is ok."

then i came across work by jeffrey brown, an artist whose medium is the graphic novel. the first book i read was "clumsy". while reading "clumsy", i laughed, i squirmed, i sighed, and i cried. it is a brave work for its heart wrenching bittersweet look at the awkwardness of falling in love and being in a relationship. one of the guys at comic relief said that he found the book to be too uncomfortable as he felt like he was in the room with jeffrey brown. my reaction was different. it was because of that feeling of being in the same room that "clumsy" has become one of my favorite books. in another jeffrey brown work, called "funny misshapen body", he talks about how "clumsy" came together. it was not an easy process or journey, but he found a way to bring it all together.

it made me think a lot about what this blog has meant to it is allowed me to combine my loves of writing, food, and photography....and how it has pushed me to grow.

do i think i can be as brave as jeffrey brown? to produce work of such honesty knowing that people are reading it? knowing that people that actually know him are reading it? not just the chosen few....

i don't know. i really don't. i guess you could say that i'm working this out.

yet, i thought i should let you know where i am.