Monday, September 7, 2009

did you really.....on purpose?

well well well.

here i am again, needing to process a couple of things before i get back into work. one of the execs sent a note for a project by end of business on friday.....which means, a few intense late nights in my future and trying to figure something about the current projects in the works. i am not bailing on my dinner at flour + water tomorrow night though. i've haven't seen SN in ages and ages ....and have also been wanting to try flour + water for some time. i'll figure something out. i'll just sleep less.

anyway, that isn't really what i needed to talk about. i was wondering if i could just let it lie and not say anything. then while i was digging into my massive plate of american chinese food


(i never finish....i always eat left overs for another meal), i realized just how much it was weighing upon me....and i'm not going to carry this shit around with me for a couple of years before i talk about it. i'm done with that.

so what would you do, when someone you love, someone who is very observant.....very deliberate....and oh so so smart...... and who knows an incredible amount about you, your history, says something that is incredibly effective at hurting you.

what would you do if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt.....you know, that they weren't doing what you really hope that they weren't doing......but....there is always the "but"....

but.....

you think they did.

you think they may have really did. you think they might have actually reached deep into your closet and used something they knew about you to hurt you. real bad. on purpose.

it is enough to make you (or me in this case) go "hmmmmmmm."

what you do?

what did i do? well, i learned a lot about myself in that moment. i took a deep breath and calmly responded with no malice. i thought that i will give them the benefit of the doubt and they didn't intend to go for the jugular. or maybe they felt angry and backed into a corner. there could be lots of reasons that i don't know about. yet, i do know that i refuse to do the same. i may know how.....but that doesn't mean i ever will. i didn't want the last communication between us to be anything negative on my part. i ended my communication on a sincere and non-negative note.

now, i feel a bit saddened. because i know what is happening. i can feel it happening and this time, i am not doing anything to stop it.

it is shutdown.

it is building an airtight impenetrable enclosure.....because, hurt me once....shame on you....hurt me twice.....shame on me.

but then again, you already knew that.

didn't you?


UPDATE: .....7+ hours later.....

hmmmm. now that the fire and brimstone has run its course.....i seem to be feeling a lot more zen about it. now i'm like, perhaps one should ensure one has all of the facts before making any rash decisions.

sigh.

you really do get the "warts and all" perspective of me.

i think i heard someone say once that "the one that cares the least has the most power."

well, that only works if you care less.

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