Saturday, September 12, 2009

unrequited

sometimes i don't process things until i am ready.

i know that i'm not the only one that does this.

SN provided some some pretty big observations earlier this week. i had been pretty much processing them in the background as i really needed to get the project done for one of the execs on friday. so by the time that friday afternoon came around, i submitted my project and was wired, tired, and felt the floodgates allow all sorts of stuff to come in. i decided to take the opportunity to grab a late lunch at cesar,


sit outside, and just let it come.

sometime things are easier to process when i am by myself. sometimes it is easier when i talk it out. it really does vary. earlier this week, i decided that i was going to tell SN that TUO and i are not talking. well...lets just call him TUO aka "the unrequited one" from now on shall we? i think there is some irony there. but we'll get to that later. anyway, SN was the last person i told about my unrequited feelings for TUO. the reason why i waited such a long time is because SN actually knows TUO. for reals. the majority of my loved ones do not, not really. SN is also the only one that has a history of seeing TUO and me interact together on an ongoing basis. for years. soooooo, i'm not certain who i was trying to protect by not telling SN about these feeings that i developed...... me or TUO...... i guess i wasn't certain what her reaction was going to be.

so i took a very deep breath and i told SN about my feelings and such for TUO.

SN's reaction?

she said that she's always known.

she said that even though i never said anything, that she's always known. she also said that she didn't think it was a case of "oh foodie hunter likes TUO." she said that it was pretty obvious that we both liked each other. she said that no one is as close as we were without there being something else there. she said not only were we super close friends but that we also relied on each other. she said that she asked her husband many times, "why aren't they together?". she also said that she never said anything to me because she was afraid that i was going to "sock her". she said that she knows how stubborn i am and she could tell that i was determined to keep to "my rules" and that there was nothing that anyone could say to make me think anything different. then she told me how proud she was of me that i actually let a boy inside the walls.

can you see why i had to put off processing this for a while?

sometimes, things are best processed over some good food and good wine. it makes things a bit easier to take.





as i was munching and sipping, i recalled SN's insight.




it is quite uncomfortably fascinating to realize that things i thought i was hiding were actually quite transparent. it was also quite squrimingly uncomfortable to realize that things that i didn't even acknowledged to myself.....for YEARS....were that transparent.....to OTHER people. for ages and ages, i tried to suppress these feelings i had for TUO because i thought they were inappropriate and i thought he would never see me "that way". i thought i did a pretty good job at putting these feelings away in a box until they violently resurfaced recently. because, well, it was no longer inappropriate. then, my goodness......these feelings decided that they had enough of being under lock and key and were like "now is the time that you must deal with us. no more suppressing."

once they came out of the box, there was no putting them back in. it reminded me of pandora's box. i am shaking my head as i write this. i am still in a bit of shock about how i only acknowledged that i had these feelings recently....and here is SN saying that she always knew by just seeing me and TUO together.

it is quite the humbling experience.

as i looked back on that time, i kept wondering if it was all one-sided. for the longest time, i really did believe that it was all one-sided. because, TUO never said anything explicitly otherwise. yet, now that i have some distance from everything and now that TUO and i are no longer speaking, i wonder if it really was. you know, one-sided.

it makes this whole thing seem a lot less crazy. there have been many times that i've asked myself, how could i feel this intensely for someone? who didn't feel the same? i must be crazy. i was having such a difficult time computing this on all sort of levels......intellectually and emotionally.

yet, someone who was watching from the outside.....who had a birds-eye view of all our interactions.... was able to identify that there was something else there. on both sides. this was well before i was able to admit it to myself.....and perhaps, before TUO has admitted to himself....and well, he's never admitted squat to to me.

it puts a completely different light on the concept of unrequited.....doesn't it?

perhaps it is less "unrequited" and more "pushing away".

yet, i still love him anyway. how's that for crazy? there really is no rhyme or reason about this sort of stuff. the lack of understandable logic is one of the major reasons why i've tried to avoid this for most of my life. little good that did me, huh?

it found me anyway.

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