Wednesday, September 2, 2009

why: part 1

this posting is not about food

JS - male: "i felt like he tricked you."

AS - male : "i thought you'd be with someone, i don't know, more polished."

DH - male : "i don't get it."

VF - female: "did you tell DH that he's not the only one that didn't get it?"

these were some of the choice tidbits and commentary about getting together and being with B....which happened on september 2nd what seems like a couple of lifetimes ago.

a lot has happened since then.

yet, i am in a place where i can look upon that time with fondness for what it was and after a lot of introspection, be a bit more gentle with myself with some of the decisions i made.

lets start with me as a neophyte shall we?

i was never one of those girls that had pictures of pop stars on her walls. i had pictures of maps of countries where i hoped to visit, international images torn from travel guides, magazines, and tourism board brochures (which i wrote to asking them to send me information), and pre-reqs for college. like i have mentioned before, i was an odd child. a dreamer yes...but i didn't dream about boys. i dreamed about freedom. i dreamed about college. i dreamed about travel. i dreamed about independence....and no boy was going to distract me from said goals. i pretty much had this perspective all of the way through college and beyond. oh, i dated and was even in a few relationships, but i think the dudes knew where they were on the priority scale. as the heart sister put it, i never really put that much thought into what i wanted in a relationship. i was driven and focused on other things that i deemed more important. so, when i started dating B, marriage was definitely not even a glimmer of thought in my brain. little did i know that it had been on his brain for quite some time.

on this night many years ago, B and i had just left the Irish Bank in the city. we had just hung out with JS and his then girlfriend. if you want some back story on the Irish Bank experience, please visit this posting i wrote earlier. anyway, i knew something was up because B was unusually tense as we walked to his truck parked at a local parking garage. at this time of night, the parking garage was empty. his truck was the only one on the entire floor. B was so tense he ended up hitting one of the parking garage pillars. yup, one of those freaking huge parking garage pillars. they are really easy to see. did i mention that there were no other vehicles on the entire floor? did i also mention that he had, like, a half of a beer over the course of the few hours we were at the Irish Bank? it wasn't like a CRASH. it was more of tap. no one was hurt. just B's pride. yet, it was enough of a tap that he made a very large dent in his truck. i remember thinking "ok....WTF?" .....but turning to B, who had his head rested against the steering wheel in an effort to regain some composure, i asked him "are you ok?"

"yeah", he mumbled.

"are you ok?"

"we need to talk." he said a bit louder.

that is never good. even at my most socially retarded, i knew that "we need to talk" is never good.

"ummm, ok, did you want to talk now?"

"no, we can talk when i drop you off at your place."

hmmmmm. needless to say it was a very quiet 30-something minutes as we made our way over the bridge and into berkeley. yes, i was living in berkeley at this time. when we got into my apartment, we each sat down on opposite sides of my studio apartment.

i waited. just looking at him. you know, waiting. he looked like he was bursting to say something. B is a head-to-mouth kind of person. he says exactly what is on his mind with no filter. the fact that he was holding it in for this long was a pretty substantial achievement for him.

"we need to talk about us," he started.

us? i thought to myself. there is an "us"? we had been friends for about a year and half by this point. i really didn't think there was an "us". i had just gotten out of an "us" situation in february and B wasn't the other half of that "us".

"i think we need to talk about being together." he continued a bit nervously.

my immediate thought was that "being together" was euphemism for having sex. i must confess, i thought "what ....he wants to add me to the roster?" at this time, there were two women he was fooling around with. i called them his "tuesday" and "thursday" night gals. but, unlike B, the foodie hunter usually likes to gather more data before she says anything that could be incriminating or used against her in a court of law.

"sooooo, you want us to have an affair?" i ask.

"NO!!" B shouts at me....his blue eyes all alight with fire.

this obviously is not going well.

B, agitated and nervous at this point, draws out this memo pad from his bag.

yup, a memo pad.

he peeks at me and says that he wants to give me reasons why he thinks we should be together. together as in together and not as an affair. he said that he wanted me to give it a chance. then he proceeds to read off reasons why we should be together from the memo pad.

at this point, i'm in a state of shock. B is a rather impulsive person. planning is not exactly his initial reaction to everything....much less listing reasons why we should be together. i am listening though....and after he is done....i said "but...." and was about to list off the reasons why we shouldn't date....and then B interrupts me and says, "i know that there are reasons why we shouldn't and these are the ones i think are important to you...." and lists those reasons....and THEN he proceeds to list his COUNTER arguments for the reasons i was going to say why we SHOULDN'T date.

now, i'm kinda staring at him. just stumped. i had no idea he had that in him. he's so impulsive. he had obviously been thinking about this a long time.

then he says, "i just want to have a chance to walk next to you and hold your hand."

i say nothing. i look up at the ceiling. he's watching me. i'm thinking and thinking some more. i'm thinking that B is nothing like ME, the last one i was in a relationship with that ended in february. i'm also thinking that B knows what a geek i am, isn't intimidated by my brain or how it works....(this had been an issue), isn't manipulative, understands who i am at work (while we used to work together....he had left the publishing house to go work at EA....he had been with EA for about a year at this point), and you know....i think he really likes me. i felt like i was at this odd crossroad. because there was someone that i was attracted to at that time, but it wasn't B. i didn't realize that B looked at me that way either because i was nothing like the gals that had been in-and-out of his bed for the past year-and-a-half. yet, i thought to myself, "maybe i should give dating B a shot."

so i got up from where i was sitting, walked over to B, and held out my hand...palm side up. he put his much larger hand on top of mine, and i said "ok".

so there you are. this is a bit of insight into why we got together on september 2nd a very long time ago. little did i know at the time that this was just a step in the B master plan to "court me" as he put it later and convince me to get married. for someone who is so smart, i didn't see that one coming....not at all.

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