Thursday, September 3, 2009

why: part 2

it is freakin' hot. i'm having a hard time concentrating because of the heat. i thought it would be a good time to step away from work a bit, grab a triple espresso gelato (see above pic) and continue on my "why" non-food related blog postings.

these series of postings are my response to the many questions i have received over the years. the questions all began with "why". "why are you with him? why did you marry him? why did you get divorced?". i thought it was appropriate to address them now...because around this time many years ago.... this is where it all began. sometimes to move forward, we need to understand how we reached where we are now. if this is the first posting you've seen, it is probably a good idea to start at the first posting which you can find here.

so why did i marry B? on september 4th....many years ago? well, after we had decided to be together, it was a jump right into an exclusive relationship. there was not a casual dating warm up time. marriage was not even on my radar. yet, it was on B's. from the very beginning. even before we got together.

B waged a pretty impressive campaign. from the evening we decided to be together, i found out how driven, strategic, and planned out B could be. he was sort of like that with his career...but it was nothing like the effort put into our relationship. for the next few years, he had pretty much decided that we were going to get married and spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out how he could convince me and prove to me that we should be together. forever.

just to give you an indication...this is just a little bit of what occurred....with absolutely no prompting from me. i never said "hey how about if you do X?": looking back, the campaign was quite extensive.

there were the phone calls, the emails, the IMs multiple times a day, just to say "hi", "how much he loved me", or sending virtual "hugs and kisses". he was always much better than i was about that sort of thing.....even up until the very end. there were also the MP3 mix CDs, individual MP3s with snippets of recordings from movies that talked about things like "with bullets flying around...all i could think about was that you are so cool...so cool...", there were the ink drawings of me, the letters, hours and hours of video games (i liked them a lot more than he did) including taking me into EA during "off hours" (like there are really off hours at EA...but anyway)....we ran amok playing arcade games on the various floors and games like counterstrike on the LAN. he liked that i was geeky.

i felt accepted.

also for someone who was incredibly anti-PDA with the various gals i had seen him with while we were friends, that went right out the window when we were together. he was all about the PDA. he said that he didn't care who knew or saw that he loved me. then there was the hanging out with the chef, one of his closest friends since he was 12. me and the chef got along really well. the chef liked me. he didn't really like anyone else that B dated before. i miss the chef.

i should have realized something was up when he did an obvious amount of prep work with his ENTIRE southern family before he brought me to virgina. you could trace B's ancestry back to the sons & daughters of the american revolution...and they were all (except him) still in virgina. unless you haven't figured it out by now, i'm not white. my male parental unit's family was white southern....who considered their "skeletons in the closet" to be the indian and mexican folks that somehow made it into the family tree. well, that didn't work out so well for me growing up. so you can imagine my apprehension at being led into a bastion of an extended southern family who cared an awful lot about genealogy and linage. the hints about marriage were at full swing after i received the family approval. they loved me. i still miss his mother.

then there was the moving in together (again, not my suggestion). i cried the night before we moved in together. i felt like i was losing my independence. i never told him that. i thought i was being a baby and i should just "suck it up" because this is what being a "grown up" and in a "relationship" is about.

[first note to self.... if i cry at the thought of living with someone, i will not be living with them. learned that lesson.]

anyway, there was no drama about living together. none. maybe we fought about cleaning and/or dishes about a handful of time over a space of 7 years.

yet, i didn't want to get married. i didn't know why i didn't want to get married. i just didn't. me and my analytical self was having a hard time reconciling my feelings on this with the practicalities of the situation. i eventually decided that my not wanting to get married was because i didn't have any solid role models of marriage and i was being a coward. you know, a commitment phob and that i needed to get over that. because, everything was really good...for YEARS...and thus it must be cowardice on my part and cowardice needs to be addressed head on.

[another note to self: if my intuition says don't do something, then don't do it. i've learned that lesson too.]

B is also a lot more emotionally expressive than i am. dear hearts, those of you who know B, are probably chortling to yourselves at this moment. yes, that was an extreme understatement. you always know exactly what B is feeling because 1) he'll tell you 2) it shows immediately with his body language and facial expressions. B wasn't about deception. B also had quite a backbone and a temper to match his hair. so i thought it would be good for me.....to be with someone so emotionally present.

it was rather like a roller coaster. not quite sure what mood he was going to be in from one moment to the next. i definitely learned a lot about communication and discussing feelings while i was with B, that is for certain.

so there you are dear hearts, a bit of more insight into why i decided to marry B. i hope this posting answers some of those questions. break time is over....and i've got to get back to what pays the bills.

No comments: