Wednesday, October 28, 2009

friends, lovers, or nothin'

someone recently said to me, "i get worried when you get silent."

i cringed a bit internally when they said this to me. it is true. when i get silent, it usually isn't a good sign. it usually means 1) i am following my philosophy of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" or 2) i'm processing. most of the time, folks get worried a lot more about #2 than #1 actually.

i've been very silent on the subject of TUO (aka the unrequited one) recently.

this doesn't mean that things have changed, gone away, or anything like that. it just means that i've been processing outside of the blog. i recalled some of the recent processing about TUO that i've done while i was slicing up some potatoes for roasting.....

the careful slicing of the nubs seemed, somehow appropriate..... as the potatoes could be a stand in for portions of me. you know, here is a slice of feeling. here is a careful slice of practical analysis. here is a slice of my heart....careful slice after careful slice. yet, wanting to be careful of my fingers...because i don't want to bleed all over the place while thinking about a recent conversation with a loved one about TUO. a loved one recently asked me, "what is the deal with you and [name deleted aka TUO]?"

my response? "nothing".

"what do you mean nothing?"

"nothing. we aren't talking."

"this is someone who was one of your best friends....known for years....and nothing?"

"yup, nothing."

"you are ok with that?"

"no, but sometimes, this is the way things work out." i said very calmly at the time.

yet, later, i was feeling quite restless about it all....unable to really verbalize how i was feeling about it...and it is interesting how sometimes we unconsciously find things that help us...if we are open to it.

when the potatoes finished roasting, and i was taking pics [see top image]
i was wondering if i would tell you dear hearts, the avenue/outlet that i have found myself for dealing with this ongoing restlessness i have about TUO. because, you see.....after that conversation with the loved one, i came across a song by john mayer called "friends, lovers, or nothing". the song hasn't come out yet. i came across it because i was trying to listen to the new "heartbreak warfare" song on youtube for the first time. when i saw a reference to a live video of mayer singing an unfinal version of "friends, lovers, or nothing"..... i was more intrigued by those words than what i was hearing on "heartbreak warfare" so i clicked on that link. i had never heard of the "friends, lovers, or nothing" song before and well....

talk about appropriate.

so what did i do that evening after i came across that song? i listened to the song over and over again while doing a sketch....

because you see dear hearts, i've turned to sketching to process about the loss of TUO in my life....because i'm finding that words are no longer enough....because i don't have the words ....and am at a loss to find the words....because it really is difficult to know that what i wanted never to happen did happen. i have never missed any lover as much as i miss my friend. yet, with TUO and i, it isn't friends or is nothing.

and that is just the way it is.

1 comment:

Victoria said...

Sketch + Potatoes = awesomeness.