Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i miss you already...

i am back in the bay.... sitting here..... sipping on my morning spicy hot chocolate. yet, this time....i've spiked my hot chocolate with candied orange and large homemade-like marshmallows.....as it makes me feel closer to you. as i sip the spicy bittersweet brew, i am not resisting the thoughts and memories of you that are filling my mind.

i must admit that i began to miss you the moment i stepped on the plane.

when i first saw you, a settled feeling came over me. i felt at home. i felt accepted. i felt like this is where i am meant to be....with you. you must have known. your intensity beckoned seductively and i willing stepped up, with no reservations. i didn't protest as i felt you wrap yourself around me, creating these loose fitting yet titanium woven bonds. interestingly enough, i welcomed the bonds with complete comfort and did not find them the least bit suffocating. i found myself tossing aside any potential plans of a typical exit strategy. are you shocked, my lover? that i would be willingly bound to you?

for how could i not? how could i not be drawn to your complexity?
your ambition? the intensity of your being? your unrelenting drive? there are moments when i know that your expectations can often be so high that you crush many. yet, these moments and components of who you are that scare so many......draws me to you.

when i was with you, i was fascinated by the layers, complexities, and contradictions. i have never met anyone in the world that is like you. others that wish to mimic you, pale in comparison.

i am not wearing rose-tinted glasses and fully comprehend intellectually and emotionally that you are far from perfect. you have the potential to be ruthless and be mocking in your cruelty. sometimes, your cool hardness is quick to the forefront even when it isn't necessary....it hints to being hurt one too many times....or perhaps not enough...and perhaps, is a telling example of how easy it is to lose compassion, empathy, and private moments of idealism. all aspects that will always remain important to me, no matter where i am, where i live, or who i am with.

so now, here i am, thousands of miles away from you....revisiting the memories and uncertain when or if i will see you again. i have a feeling that despite time and distance, i will always be drawn to you, will always love you, and will not try to think about "what could have been" but rather of the moments that "were".

i will close my eyes and recall the moments when i was with you and felt like you were mine and i was yours.

inexplicably and absolutely.

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