Monday, November 2, 2009

bullseye


i am, above all things, a very analytical person.

i just did something that defies every logical instinct i have inside of me.

naturally, even when i knew i was going to do this very illogical thing, i still had to plan out how i was going to go about it and that planning took place during my break today, over (what else?) a bowl of hot chocolate at my local cafe. as i held the bowl between my hands,


i kept thinking....

"is this really such a good idea? i don't know about this....."

all the way through to the last sip.

i was rather amazed that when i returned to my office that i was able to concentrate and sift through various amounts of research until after 5:30pm when i felt like an internal alarm went off and my internal conversation went something along the lines of this.....it was a brain versus heart conversation:

"it is time."

"whaaaat? really? how about if we don't do this. we'd much rather read about emerging markets. we have no emotional investment in emerging markets."

"if you are going do to this, you should really just get it done."

"this could be extraordinarily painful."

"yes, it could be."

so i typed out this message (which i wrote out in my journal earlier) and while it was up on the screen, i had a difficult time sending it.

i decided to draw something instead.

because this is what it feels like.

it feels like i've drawn a bullseye on my heart and said "here. i'll make this really easy for you. why don't you hurt me today?" jez. maybe i should have a t-shirt made as a reminder of this whole experience. you know, it could be, cathartic or something.

vulnerability is not one of my strong suits.

yet, i did it anyway.

as i watched the "sending" message come up on my screen, i felt my heart twist and drop to my stomach. why did i do this to myself? not because i think this is fun. there are people out there who think this sort of shit is fun. i am not one of them. i have gone out of my way to avoid this sort of shit my entire life. yet, i did it because i wanted to make certain that i did everything i could, even at the risk of being completely annihilated and feeling like a fool.

well, i guess i'll find out.

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