Tuesday, December 22, 2009

pensive in philly

this posting isn't about food btw.....

i know that i am an analytical person. i am someone that is attracted to tangible evidence and logical paths of thinking. yet, i also understand that sometimes things happen for a reason and while i may not understand that reason at the given moment, i will understand later.

a couple of days ago, i decided to approach this whole philly storm adventure from the framework of "i am here. this is beyond my control. what is it that i am suppose to learn here? what is it that i am suppose to see? and experience?" i decided to be open to what each day would bring.

taken from this framework, i've had an interesting experience here in philly. despite meeting philly under auspicious circumstances, i think philly may be added to the list of cities that i think i could live. snow and all. it is an intriguing city and very different than the cities on my list. yet, each city on my list....new york, london, hong kong, paris, washington d.c., chicago, and now philly....are all very different. each with its unique character.

this isn't the only thing that i have discovered about philly....there are a couple of things that i may share over the course of the next couple of weeks....yet, one of the most surprising experiences included very innocuous interactions with a young man .....that i woke up thinking about this morning as i watched the sun rise.

for a couple of hours the last couple of days, i stopped into a local place to fire up the laptop to work while housekeeping cleaned the room and there was this young man attending customers. he reminded me quite a lot of B when i first met him....hmmmmm....what has it been now?....hmmmm... it must have been over ten years ago. yet, it wasn't just a similarity in physical appearance and carriage that made me alert....or do a bit of a double-take... it was the way the young man looked at me during my visits....that is what made me do a double-take....because it was the way that B used to look at me when he was that age..... the eyes that lighted up....with some small secret smile... as if i had done something that he thought was "soooooo cutttteeeee" to which my typical response would be something along the lines of sticking my tongue out at him or scrunching my face in an effort to appear decidedly less cute.

i, of course, did not respond that way to this young man that looked so much like B. i was rather surprised that i even noticed. i'm not good at noticing these sort of things unless the guy is really obvious. i also didn't freak out when i noticed. i know...big shock.... given my history. i just took it all in stride and was polite.

this morning as i thought of that young man, it made me realize just how young i was as well when B and i first met. it also made me recall that despite how we ended.... there were some really lovely moments....and how a couple of years ago.... all of the heart wrenching pain was too incredibly present for me to remember....or even want to remember....those lovely moments.

while i have no interest in having B in my life now, i found it interesting that i could look back upon my time with warm remembrance....and perhaps when i think of B, i should think of the young man he used to be...so full of warmth, life, and passion....and that B....is the one that will always have a place within me.

well, it is time for me to complete some more work for a few hours before i grab some lunch.

i'll keep you updated dear hearts. i am suppose to fly back to san francisco tonight....but then again, we've heard that before....

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