Friday, January 8, 2010

after the hurricane

this posting isn't about food.

you know when my blog postings are strictly about food it means that i'm percolating about other stuff that i'm just not ready to talk about yet. i must admit that it is an ongoing be "open" via the blog. interestingly enough, i find it is actually easier to keep to my promise to be "open" offline than online these days.

while i was in the uk, i had one of my usual conversations with DH when he was in his "big brother mode". i think i remind him a lot of his little sister....and like a little sister, i try not to let DH see me when i roll my eyes about his desire to see me be with a european or a briton as he thinks a guy with a bit more worldliness would be good for me....not to mention how he would like it.....because it would mean that i would live on his side of the pond. it is one of the reasons why he wants to me to take personal time to travel to other places in europe when i go over on business. from his perspective, this increases the likelihood of me meeting a briton or european. he is fully aware that the business-oriented airport lounges are, like, 90% men. when he later saw my diamond and titanium ring (it is actually a male wedding band) that i wear on my middle finger of my left hand everyday, but switch it over to my "married" ring finger when i travel was his turn to roll his eyes and laugh in disbelief as that sort of maneuver kinda defeats the purpose in his eyes.

did i mention how i don't initiate these sorts of conversations with DH? i mean, how is this a comfortable conversation to have?

when i respond to DH's disbelief with letting him know in a very neutral tone that "i'm not looking right now"......his response of "that is when it happens you will hit you when you aren't looking" made me want to bang my head against the dashboard of his fancy sports car.

i kind of feel like he wasn't "hearing" me.

then there was xmas. where my dads/uncles/friends made a couple of comments about how i need to get out of the kitchen to socialize.

i bet you can guess what i did.

yup, i just stayed in the kitchen longer....figuring that banging around the lids of the le cruset pots and putting more things in the ovens would be great reasons for me to not socialize. i really wasn't in the mood to socialize. i mean, i had just gotten back from the whole philly thing and was not feeling very sociable....i love hanging out with people that i love such as my hosts/dads/uncles/friends....but definitely preferred to deal with food rather than making small talk with other people i don't know as well. i also received some not-so-subtle-prodding about "finding a man".

jez. again. did i initiate such prodding? nope. i mean i was cooking and i, at no time during the afternoon, bring up any conversations regarding any straight men......the foodie hunter is not stupid... why INVITE trouble? but the trouble makers like trouble. it is just what they do, and they do it with love of course.

kay, i know that they all love me and that being in their respective long term relationships makes them happy and that they want the same for me. i get that. i really do.

i've worked through some pretty intense heart break over the past couple of years....which is one of the reasons why i love this song so for me...."the hurricane" is heart break....not a specific person per se...but heart break itself. btw....the vid really ends at 3:55

i finally feel like i've gotten my balance back and have the life that i always wanted and then some. i love my life. i know that i am very fortunate. i'm not really keen on jumping into anything for the sake of jumping in. i'm pretty certain i've said this before and i know that many loved ones don't agree....because they come from different situations, experiences, and have a different frame about relationships. from their perspective they think i'm being passive about it or have "given up".

this is not my perspective.

from my perspective, you cannot control someone else's feelings for you. i have no desire to even try to manipulate this. none. it is not the way i wish to be treated so why would i treat someone else that way? initially, the feelings are there or they aren't. if they are there than this is the foundation or core that can be built on. they can love you for the moment, be there tomorrow, the next day, and the next day....but maybe not the day after. there are no guarantees....and there shouldn't be....because we change. our needs change. we become different people as we grow older and experience different things. we hope that we will grow together and in similar spurts and leaps. sometimes that happens and sometimes it doesn't. yet, every day...each of you makes that decision to be there....and makes that decision to be committed every day. yes. that is what i said. "every day". this is not easy. but for the right person, it is worth it.

i am fully aware that this perspective is not everyone's. again, i am only speaking for myself.

if i meet someone who i think is amazing and they think i am amazing and we both know it is worth the potential risk and heart break because we both know and feel like the other is the best thing ever....warts and all...then ok. i know that i can make that commitment and be present on a daily level and a long term level. i'll be there. i want to feel that the person is so amazing at if it doesn't work out.... and i feel like i can't breathe..... and pieces of me have just been thrown to the wind like sand....i want to be able to say that all of the heart ache is worth it...just to have those amazing moments with that person.

yet, there is no way in hell am i going to even go there if i don't think and feel like the person is amazing. i see no reason to waste everyone's time. i see no reason why i should "convince" myself to want someone that i don't really want.

lets be frank shall we....there aren't a lot of people in this world that i think are amazing. i am quite the asshole that way.
then throw in the oddball unpredictable thing called "attraction" and that just fucks with the whole equation doesn't it? because not only do i have to be attracted to them, but they have to be attracted to me too. hence, under these circumstances, the odds are not exactly in favor of the house.

just the fact that i even think this way totally annoys people. yes indeedy. it annoys certain people quite a bit. i know.

yet, this is who i am.

what i want and need from this life may not be what you want and need from this life.....and what you want for me....because you love me....and think that these things would make you happy....may not be what i want for myself and are not what i need to make me happy.

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