Saturday, January 23, 2010

cryptic wants

hmmmm. a good portion of today as been creating a presentation for a meeting that i'm going to be having in vegas next week. it is rather mind boggling that the super duper organized foodie hunter doesn't already have it done and wrapped up with a bow by now....but alas, this is what the job is like these days. i found out about the presentation while i was in london and it wasn't like i could put off other deliverables in order to work on the presentation. i'm hoping to finish the presentation sometime tonight and then practice, practice, practice....and practice some more before i actually have to present it to a hundred or so people.

fun times. fun times.

yet, i have left the house today. i've actually worked in a couple of cafes today in an effort to be out and about. the first cafe was one i haven't been to in a few months and the guy behind the counter was like "long time no see!". i was a bit surprised. we've never exchanged a conversation before. so much for thinking i am anonymous. i worked there for a bit, headed home for a bit, then headed back out to guerilla cafe to do some more work and grab a warm beverage. since i've moved back to berkeley i've consistently gone to guerilla. i have no idea if the staff know who i am. i think i prefer to live in my little cloud of supposed anonymity until someone there tells me otherwise. while i was working on my presentation at guerilla, i was also thinking about asking for what i want.

for some people, asking for what they want is an incredibly easy endeavor. this is not true for the foodie hunter....or rather, this is not true for me. this is probably something i should speak about in first person, no? and take responsibility for the fear i have behind asking for what i want. i don't mean piddly little shit that has no emotional risk...i mean, i'm talking about asking for what i want re: "big stuff". if you don't know what i'm talking about when i mean "big stuff"....then too bad....i'm not going to explain it further.

the idea of asking for what i want....came to a head while i was in london. there i was in london...pretty fuckin sick, tired (even before i arrived), jet lagged, workin' like mad, frustrated, and my every other thought seemed to be punctuated with "WTF!". it was not an easy mental space to be living in. it was then that i confronted a few things about myself. nothin like being out of the country to bring on some major introspection in the middle of chaos.

one of the things.....admitting my need to prove something to myself over the past couple of years...was something i have already discussed and written about. yet another thing, that i haven't really discussed...was confronting and being honest with what i want....and why asking for what i want is so difficult.

first of all, asking for what i want means admitting that it actually matters to me and that i may, god forbid, want/desire/need something that is not something i can directly provide for myself. this is not a comfortable state for the super-duper-prideful-stubborn-independent-doesn't-need-to-be-taken-care-of-foodie-hunter (aka me).

second, it means putting aside my pride. yes, i've already referred to pride earlier, but i think this needs to be in its own category because, i have quite an excess amount of it. how's that for honesty?

third, it means assuming that the other person cares enough to actually listen to what i want. it means that i am assuming that the other person believes that i have value and may give me what i am not able to provide for myself. (i am actually cringing as i type these words.)

fourth, it means accepting the possibility of supreme hurt, disappointment, and self blame.....the self blame being..."see you shouldn't ask for things that you can't have."

yet, while i was in london and flying back on the 10+ hour trip, i kept thinking about what i want, admitting what i want, taking responsibility for what i want, and having the balls (figuratively speaking of course, i like being female) to ask for what i want....even if i don't get what i want. i decided that it is time to stop being such a chicken shit and ask for what i want and deal with the consequences.

yes, i am being cryptic.

i'm not going to say when i am going to do this. but i will. as a result, sometime in the future, after i ask for what i may not be hearing from me on the blog for a while.... because i may need to become a hermit to deal with the consequences and aftermath of asking for what i want....because i have this feeling that this is probably going to be pretty incredibly painful. yet, knowing all of these things.....this is something that i need to do.

it is time.

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