Sunday, January 17, 2010

late night workin and munchin


it is 4:11am on monday morning in london as i type this.

i've been working on some stuff and am now, trying to wind down for the evening....or would be more accurate to say that i am trying to wind down for the morning. yet, i am hopped up on caffeine of course. technically, i was suppose to take monday and tuesday off to frolick around london before i go home on wednesday. unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, i see frolicking time dwindling before my very eyes. honestly though...a part of me didn't really believe that i was going to have the free time.

i did manage to leave the hotel for a bit today. i dropped by EAT to try some duck gyoza soup that was different....

but not in a bad way.

after, i slurped up my soup, i managed to score a table at nero. so i had a hot chocolate milano and worked for a while.

at least i felt like i left the hotel for a bit and tried to not eavesdrop too heavily on the couple sitting next to me. from their awkward-getting-to-know-you-conversation i was able to ascertain that they were on a first date. as i was working on processing some of the pictures and video i took for work, i didn't have to be "as focused" as i typically am....for example, when i am writing or creating a presentation....i get into the zone and no matter where i am, it is very difficult for sound, images, or people to penetrate my "bubble". yet, when i am processing pictures, there is no bubble. this is why processing photos is good work to do in a cafe.....and i didn't feel like listening to my, i ended up halfway listening to their conversation instead. i couldn't help but empathize with them. first dates can really suck. yet, i think theirs was going relatively well actually. i could tell that they each liked each other and both were really trying to make an effort. it was pretty equitable in terms of effort. it was rather endearing actually. i hope that they could see that they both like each other and go out on another date. for some people, that statement may sound odd..... see.....when it comes to the initial stages of romantic seems that some folks have difficulty figuring out what is going on when they are actually "in" the situation than someone "outside" of it. if i had to guess, i would guess that i would be one of those people as well.

the last few people i've been with because they clearly stated that they wanted to be together. that i think about it.....for two of them.... i didn't think felt that way about me until they actually said something along the lines of "i-like-you-and-i-want-us-to-be-together". i'm shaking my head as i write this. i can imagine how difficult that must have been for them. sometimes i think it is amazing that i haven't been single my entire life. these days i get to hear all of the "single" stories that people never told me when i was married. actually, most of the people that tell me these stories are people that have no idea that i used to be married. it is rather mind-boggling some of the miscommunication and expectations that happen. for example, i can think of three stories off the top of my head where one person told the other that they weren't interested in dating them....yet, they are now in relationships.


this is a bit mind boggling for the foodie hunter.

i mean, if someone says that they aren't interested in me and don't want to date me, why would i stick around or argue with them about this? yet, for some reason, it is like some people expect you to argue with them about it......or convince them otherwise.

hmmmm. after i was done processing the pics, i packed up and decided to drop into paul patisserie to grab some more pastries togo for the hotel. i ended up getting the flan normand....

which i already knew that i liked. then i nibbled on the lovely custardy fruity tart while working on a project for the next few hours.

and here i on sugar and caffeine. my mind going in a zillion different directions.

you that i think about it.....B kind of did that with me. you know, the argument thing. for more in-depth detail....feel free to visit this posting. yet, essentially, he prepared for potentially arguing with me about us being together. when he asked that we be together, i was like "huh? you want to have an affair?" and he was like "NO!" then read from his note pad all of the reasons why he thought he and i should be together. then listed the arguments that he thought i would say against us being together. then listed his counter-arguments.

i remember looking at him, not knowing quite what to make of the situation, because i hadn't thought about us dating or being together until he said something that evening. yet, he was all prepared to argue about why we should be together. B always had a lot more experience in the romantic arena that i ever did.....and was a lot more aware of emotional nuances that make absolutely no logical sense.

it was a moment when i knew i was at a pretty vital cross road. i could feel it. it wasn't his "arguments" that convinced me to be with him. surprised? it was the fact that B, who is incredibly impulsive and a seemingly-single-flowing-and-running-emotion had obviously given it a lot of analytical thought. i also cared about him quite a bit as a person and thought, i shouldn't be a coward and should see what would happen. i've actually forgotten all of the arguments he mentioned except for the last one:
"i just want to have a chance to walk next to you and hold your hand." it was the one he said directly to me, from the heart, without reading from his note pad.

funny huh? that is the one that i remember.

when i look back on this, i think B was pretty brave actually....that must have been really hard to do.

i've only stated my feelings for someone once and well, that was a rather heart breaking experience. but then again, i knew going into the situation that by stating how i felt, i was going to get my heart broken. severely. and i did it anyway. i am not going to lie. i'm glad that i stated how i felt. i have no regrets. surprised? were you expecting something different? it was a relief to not have to hide them and repress them (even from know...once i figured out what the feelings were) and confront them head on. it was a relief to be honest and direct. by admitting them and confronting them, i've been able to just live more harmoniously with them (well after a few months of utter confusion and chaos). they are what they are....and i've accepted that they are a part of who i am.

alright, it is like almost 5:30am now. i think it is time to shut down the lights and see about getting some sleep. but i'll end this extremely random and all over the place posting with a video...a bit of food for thought....

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