Saturday, February 27, 2010

independent loves

i don't know what to say.

sometimes, if i am silent, it does not mean that i do not love you. it means, i do not know what to say. i may be standing aside, watching intently....listening intently.....perhaps nudging...every so softly....waiting for something that will give me a hint about what i should say or what i should do.

it is a challenge trying to understand how to support loved ones. even as i wrote the word "challenge"...i think it is the wrong word...because that has connotations that hint at the negative....and that isn't the case at all. a loved one once wrote to me (in chiding tones) that i spend too much time caring for my loved ones and not enough for myself. there is some irony given who wrote this to me, but that is another story for another time. my response to him was that this is a part of who i am and it is a conscious choice that i have made for my life.

i know what i am doing.

i want those that i love to know without any doubt that i love them. it doesn't matter how often we see each other. i am very confident that each person i love knows that i love them. i spend a lot of time thinking about this and ensuring that my actions show this. i do not see this as "work" or anything close to negative. this is just as much a part of my life and who i am, if not even more so, as my passions for writing, cooking, and taking pictures.

it is a delicate thing.....understanding how to support loved ones...particularly those that i love.
each one is different. each one has different needs and desires depending on the situation. each one may or may not be in the space to accept being supported. each one may require me to wait, patiently (sometimes for quite a while actually), until they are ready to be supported. yet, there is something that all of my loved ones have in common and that is each and every one of them have this extremely strong independent streak.

actually, this is a bit of an understatement.

yes, i know. pot. kettle. black.


the thing is with us independent has to tread very carefully when trying to support us. we don't want to rely on anyone. we don't want to seem dependent. we don't want to, gad forbid, be NEEDY... or worse... WHINEY. we don't want to be burden. we don't want to admit that we would like support because that would imply that we couldn't "handle it" and "we always can handle it...on our own."


the totally ironic thing about this is...when someone we love needs us, we don't even think about it. it just happens and it is never a burden....the thought or word "burden" never gets within a million miles of our hearts and minds.

yet, when we are in a tough spot, oh boy. people that love us slowly circle us....peering at us.....gently trying to poke at us....trying to figure out what to do, what to say, and how to support us in the way that we need to be supported....but may not be able to actually verbalize that we need to be supported. sometimes we do things like the stoic warrior know...shut off the world....hide out from everyone...and suffer by ourselves...because gad forbid that we be vulnerable...or let anyone see that we have any weaknesses.... weaknesses that we know, deep down....that people see anyway. or sometimes we throw things out there and then retreat back....hoping that those that love us will see the gesture and it will be enough a hint for them to pick up on.....but not really expecting them to.


see what i mean about treading very carefully with us independent types?

i see you and you see me.

i may stumble a bit while i figure things out. yet, i'll be there. for always.

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