Monday, February 1, 2010

my mind isn't playing tricks on me


i am at the airport getting ready to head home.

as i was packing up at the hotel this morning, i couldn't help but remind myself to hold it together until i get home. i haven't cried. i know that will come later.

i am in this odd state. i am numb as i go through the motions. yet, i know the pain is there, the anger is there, the disappointment is there...just beneath the surface, making ripples here and there beneath my supposed calm demeanor.

obviously, i am not myself despite this calmness about me. i got all the way to the airport and through security before i realized that i forgot my blackberry at the hotel. those of you dear hearts that know me probably realize how telling this is......as my blackberry is more like an appendage....and i forgot it. in the hotel. it was an expensive mistake. but alas, it is with me now as i type up this posting.

it is also very interesting that people have been extraordinarily kind to me today. i think we all know that holding your shit together is even more difficult when people are being nice and kind. maybe i am emanating something else in addition to calmness....perhaps a fragility? usually this is something that does not usually eek out of my pores, but i do recognize i am not the biggest or tallest of people which sometimes elicits a kind of "care giver" response out of people when i don't have my fierce face on.

i'll talk more about this later. i'm pretty certain about this....just not when i am in a town where i really don't know anyone....or in an airport surrounded by tons of strangers while trying to keep my shit together.

yet, i will say that for a while there, i was hopeful when i realized that he wasn't saying no to my saying that we should give this a shot. him and me. i was expecting him to say no. so when he said "lets see what happens", i trusted that, allowed myself to be hopeful, and then excited. i felt on top of the world. then about 12 hours later (i.e., the next morning), he changed his mind.

talk about a tour of emotions huh? i mean, i had a feeling i was going to end up heart broken, but my gawd, i didn't think it would like this. the high and the low....and more than a few choice words of anger in between.

despite everything though, i am glad that i did it. i have no regrets now and i know that i will have no regrets later. it is interesting to be in this emotionally chaotic state but to know that so clearly. it was probably one of the most difficult things i have ever done, to be so brutally honest on the personal front (it really isn't so difficult for me on the work front...surprise surprise). this whole adventure is rather out of place for the super duper driven analytical foodie hunter. i mean, this is the sort of stuff that "other" people do, not the foodie hunter (aka me).

yet, i know that i was suppose to do it, despite the heart break. i don't think i've talked about this before....but there have been only a handful of times in my life where i've been able to identify an event or a situation or something that i felt like "i had to do" and where i knew it would change my life or the path that i was on. this was one of those things. it wasn't something i could explain rationally...it was something intuitive. as a very left-brain sort of person, my intuition doesn't drive me....yet there are a few instances within my life where i felt my intuition be quite tenacious and declare "you must do this". i must admit that i tried to ignore it and push it aside for months. but when i was in london i realized that i couldn't ignore it any longer as it wasn't going to go away.

so i did.

and here i am.

i don't know why i was meant to do this. i hope that at some point the reason for my doing this will become clear. it is rather difficult to see what the reasons could be at the moment as i am still feeling quite raw and the occurrences too close.

yet, i have no regrets and i can say that with absolute certainty.

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