Monday, March 1, 2010

good morning heartache



you are so funny.

sometimes you are funny "haha" way, other times you are funny in a not so "haha" way, other times you are funny in an evil ironic way, and other times you are funny in a confusing jumble of all ways.

after i had my slew of monday meetings, i puttered around my kitchen making myself my morning chocolate....

and of course, of course, that is when it hit.

"did ya really have to that this morning? of all mornings?" i said out loud, quite exasperated. there are many types of heartache and i was feeling all sorts of unique combinations this morning. i suppose it is to be expected. things have been piling up a bit recently. there was the heartache that has been hanging out for a while....that was a result of my absolutely out of character crazy ass thing i did a few weeks ago.

i mean, who does that shit? who flys out, puts their heart in their outstretched palms.....

and ask someone to consider giving it a go? even when you know that the answer is going to be "no", that it is going to hurt like a mutherfucker, AND you do it anyway? a possessed foodie hunter does...that is who. hmmm, the spirit of was a yes...then it was a no...but the ending result was still no. but you wanna know what the craziest thing is? i don't regret it.

in that moment when i was present, honest, and truthful about everything....i felt such relief and exhilaration. i didn't question anything in that moment. it wasn't until later than i would discover the heartache that i had originally expected.

was this the most intellectually smart thing that i have ever done? probably not. ballsy? most definitely. i don't completely rationally understand why i was so driven to do it....but i did. there have only been a few times in my life where i've been able to identify that i "had" to do something....and that it was extremely important for me to do so....where i knew that it would lead me to an important event in my life...and this was one of those things. again, it wasn't a rational or the typical "left brain" driven thing for the foodie hunter to do....but i just "knew" that i had to do it.

of course, after i did this ballsy move, the diesel's smart vs stupid marketing campaign kept popping up in my life in the most oddest when i was in chinatown on valentine's day for gawd's sake.....

i took a picture and then muttered "oh fuck you. appropriate, but still, fuck you." then there was the flyer bundled with a magazine that i bought a couple of days ago.

i had no idea that this was in it. when it fell out of the magazine, my response was "really? c'mon. really?"

the best thing about marketing campaigns is that there is aways an end to them. they will go away at some point.

yet, the heartache remains....and sometimes life decides to add some more on top of it....and sometimes life decides that it is going to gather all of the different types of heartache and hand it to you while you are blending your morning hot chocolate ......

see what i mean about "life, you are so funny"?

because life doesn't care that you have other things you'd rather think about. if there are prominent nobel prize winning psychologists/economists that argue about the complexity of the definition of happiness at events such as TED, i'd also argue about the equal complexity of heartache.

heartache about things that you cannot control....heartache about watching those that you love be handed challenges that you wish that they didn't have to "handle"....heartache as you try to figure out how to be there for the loved ones in the way that they need you to be there....heartache that comes with considering the distinctly overwhelming possibility of the loss of a close friendship..... heartache that is in the moment of the experience....heartache that is in memory....and even, ironically enough, heartache in the recall of exhilaration.

"yeah, it is complicated and this is what i get for watching a TED video about happiness first thing in the morning" i whispered to myself as i finished making my hot chocolate. then in an almost salute-come-greeting, i raised my mug to the multifaceted emotions running through me.....

and thought

"good morning heartache.....sit down. i suppose we are going to get to know each other really well."

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