Wednesday, March 17, 2010

i'll be seeing you. soon.

i've sent off my final projects. i've turned on my "out of office".

i can finally just unwind with my bowl of tea....the heat warming my hands as i cuddle the bowl....the scent of jasmine lulling me into a state of comfort .....

and of course, i find myself thinking about you.

i've been running from thinking about you....from feeling about you....from what it means to love you....and what it is going to mean to see you so soon.

i am conflicted and torn.

it was so difficult to leave you last last october...and here i am, about to get on a plane tomorrow morning, to step into your intensely seductive embrace once more.


my god, i have missed you.

when i am with you, i feel at home. i feel like this is where i am meant to be. it feels like an odd and seemingly irreconcilable mixture of comfort and exhilaration. does this scare the absolute fuck out of me? oh, yes it does. it always has. from the first moment we met.

i am not stupid.

you don't exactly have the best of reputations.

i believe heartless and unyielding are common words that have been used to describe you. lets be frank shall we, you can be quite an asshole at times. yet, i love you anyway....despite rhyme or reason. it was safer when you were thousands of miles away. yet, now...when i see you tomorrow, the questions that will be continuing to lurk within my mind are "will i live here with you?", "are we going to give this a shot?", and perhaps the most terrifying questions will have to be answered.... "what happens if it actually works? what happens if i don't ever want to leave? will i just become absorbed and become another of your faceless nameless admirers and somehow lose site of who i am? or will the very things that draws me to you....your intensity....your the very things that drives me away?"

so much uncertainty.

yet, this is what happens when i confront a hopeful semi-secret dream and am faced with potential heartbreaking disappointment....and perhaps the even more dreaded sense of failure....maybe i'm just not good enough to make it, in new york.

yet it may be time to find out...for certain.

No comments: