Tuesday, March 16, 2010

uncertain and unknown

hmmmm. loved ones over the past few days have been like "what is going on?", as i have been unusually "silent". i think there were a few alarms that went up around the bay when they saw how long the "rethinking" post was up for....and there are only a limited amount of people that know who i was referring to in my independent hearts and loves postings....and even those folks may not fully realize exactly who i was referring to. i maybe a bit loosy goosey regarding privacy of my own life (hey i did make a promise to myself that i would be more open) but i'm pretty protective of my loved ones' right to their own privacy which is why i don't speak of or write of specifics in certain situations where loved ones are involved.

in addition to wanting to be there for loved ones in the way that they need and want to be supported, i am processing quite a few things that are separate as well.

i've needed to get this major project for work done before i head off to nyc, so i know that there was this part of me that really wanted to hold it all together until the project was done. it is pretty much complete now. i'm just going through take another pass through it tomorrow as a final check....i made so much substantial progress on my work project over the weekend (by bailing on my asian american film festival plans) and today that i stopped into a place near me that does dishes from singapore. i was in the mood to get out of my place for a bit, eat something spicy, and give myself the space to do some processing.

so i slowly and methodically made my way through the deep fried hard boiled egg and tofu with chili sauce, the chicken gizzard curry-ish thing, the veggies in a peanut sauce, and a side of crunchy anchovies and peanuts.

the restaurant was super nice as the anchovies and peanuts don't come with what i ordered...i asked for it on the side....and i noticed that they didn't charge me for it. i made certain that the tip was significantly more than usual. maybe they knew that i needed an extra treat.

as i was taking a break, slowing taking pics, and noshing on my lovely and rather large lunch.... i thought to myself how i should take my own advice about giving myself the space to think about things...about what i want....and what is going to work for me.

i'd been thinking about these things under duress situations (i.e., combo of crazy ass work pressure in dec, travel, being ill for over a month, worn down, etc. etc. etc.). now, i am trying to give myself the space in less chaotic circumstances to think more about what i want and what i am going to do. i still don't regret some of the crazy ass things i've done recently. i was true to me and i am still trying to be true to me.

now it seems that being true to me is doing my own emotional hermit thing.

to be clear, it isn't like i've shut the emotions off.

there is a lot boil and toil going on....i think that is a mistake that a lot of people make when they look at people like me....thinking that because we don't say anything....that there must not be a lot of stuff going on or that we must not be feeling things.....but that isn't the case....well, not for me at any rate. i am usually extremely careful about what i say aloud as i realize how saying certain things put other actions into motion...and i don't want to say things that i will regret later.

recently, i am finding myself more reluctant to discuss what is going on....as i feel like i need to figure a few things out....on my own and without outside influence. at the end of the day, the only person that truly knows what i want is me. the only person that i am going to hold accountable and responsible for my actions....is me. i am also supremely aware that the person that is the hardest on me....is me.

i suppose my own independent streak is making itself known at the moment.

also, the visit to nyc this time is very different. this is the first time that the primary question in my head....that will frame how i percieve new york is "can i live here?".....or perhaps, the more accurate question is "will i live here?" maybe there was this part of me that knew something like this was going to happen, as i ended up scheduling quite a few days off when i return from new york. it is very likely that i will hole myself up in my place....giving myself the space outside of work or other things...and just think.


at this moment, what do i know for certain?

i know that i want to feel like i have lived and worked somewhere else......living and working somewhere is decidedly different than a "holiday" visit. i have a strong feeling that i will always return to the bay area. the bay area is home. i want to take advantage of the flexibility and opportunities i have now at work to see if i can make this work for me.

i know that i want to follow my instincts and intuition...which is a bit more challenging for the left-brain driven goal-oriented foodie hunter. there are certain practical aspects of me that are like "WTF is going on? who has invaded our body over the past few months?" there is a lot more uncertainty and unknown by following instincts and intuition. yet, what i am discovering for myself.....is that it is all coming down to trust.

small but huge word that is....."trust".

it comes down to trusting myself.....and trusting that no matter what happens, even if i find myself in front of yet another open door, on my knees....that i'll make it work for me and that i'll be ok.

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