Tuesday, April 13, 2010

in vs out

yes, yesterday was my birthday.

my attitude regarding my birthday this year is a marked difference to last year. this year, i really did not feel like having a lot of expectations built into it. i also wasn't certain if i was going to be in the uk for it....so i suppose i had already dismissed it in my mind some time ago as just another day. i was thinking about this marked change in "birthday perspective" this year over my late lunch at a local indian food place.

i suppose i get excited about my birthday every few years or so when there is something that i really want to do. it doesn't really have to do with the age....i suppose it is more about where i am at with my life. last year, there were certain things that i wanted to celebrate as a rite of passage....and now, i feel like my next rite of passage will happen once i am settled into my new place in the city.

there are also a few other things that have been taking precedence for my brain energy these days than my birthday. the move is just one of them. the move is the most positive and exciting of them. yet, there are things that are separate from the move that are happening that i know are/will be quite challenging....these are the things that i feel a bit apprehensive about....and i am constantly observing and taking stock of my balance between being open and ensuring that i am protected.

after all, i am a survivor. i haven't gotten where i am today without having developed some key survival skills.

i know that the easiest thing (for me) to do is to emotionally close up the shop. is this the best action for me? i don't know. yet. i'm still figuring that out. i don't have any answers. i suppose a lot will depend on the next couple of weeks as well as my trip to the uk. aside from my crazy ass actions earlier this year, i'm not typically an impulsive person...but rather more methodical and analytical. for better or worse. i'm shaking my head as i type this.....DH once said to me (actually, more than once now that i think about it), "you are such a guy" and i don't think he meant it as a compliment. while i cannot speak for all super analytical people (ahem, i'm not going to get on the boat that all men are analytical...because my ex's strong suit was not his analytical ability....he was more of a "river of emotion"....hmmm....or perhaps a "storming sea" of emotion would be more apropos. we are....who we are.), i know that for me, i sit with things for a while. i know how i feel about them. yet, sometimes i am uncertain how to describe how i am feeling to another person, i am uncertain if i really want to share, or i may be planning my exit strategy.

i know that this part of me makes people nervous.

i don't blame them.

they should be nervous.

because if i'm in....then i am in.


yet, if i am out....i don't look back.

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