Saturday, April 24, 2010

moral ambiguity

you may have noticed dear hearts that i have been quite a bit more quiet than usual.

my trip to the uk was postponed but that did lighten things up any work-wise. also, there are moments when i wonder whether i will get everything done in time. there are moments where things feel a bit overwhelming. then there are better moments when i think about what it means to live in a place that i deliberately chose to live in....because it is where i want to be.

mixed in amongst all of these moments, is my processing about what it means to be around people with flexible moral compasses....or should i say....very smart people with very flexible moral compasses. this has been something that i have been processing about for a while and i've tried to offset it with various snacks i've made for myself recently. recently, i've tried to make myself things with bright colors, various textures, and popping flavors.

such as this roasted beet and apple salad that i made for myself the other day.

simple...yet...lovely colors....and with the addition of a homemade purple basil vinegar, maldon sea salt, mcevoy extra virgin olive oil, and black pepper....

provided me with various sweet, sour, and savory flavors.

i don't think this sort of salad is for everyone.

yet, it is perfect for my recent thoughts and ruminations. food is more than sustenance for me. it is comfort, medicine, and life. it helps me say the things that i may not be able to say. it helps me sift and distill through a seemingly tornado of thoughts and emotions as i try to understand what is going on with me.

sometimes it takes a while for me to understand or put a coherent voice to what is going on.

traditionally, i have surrounded myself with very intelligent people....and all intelligent people have the capability to be very bad people. all of them. yet, this is true in converse as well. all intelligent people have the capability to be very good people as well. i believe everyone...whether more intelligent or less intelligent.... are the sum of the choices and decisions we make.

we choose to be who we are through our actions.


an intelligent person with a very flexible moral compass that decides to be bad has the potential to have a much more devastating impact and is perhaps even more evil than someone who is less intelligent....because they know what they are doing is bad and know how to be very effective in their badness. yes, i realize that there are many types of intelligence. yet, for me, i am speaking of the motivation or thought behind the action......and oftentimes, intelligent people with flexible moral compasses know what they are doing is wrong....but they decide to do it anyway. ...and this dear hearts....makes the foodie hunter (aka me) very angry.

yes, i have higher expectations of behavior from people that are intelligent than those who are not as intelligent. i will freely admit to this.

from my perspective, as a pretty smart person, i believe that there is a certain responsibility that comes with being smart. there are two general themes that i have used as guidelines my entire life....the first being "do no harm" and the second is "be the change you wish to see in the world".

or perhaps both of these themes could be communicated more crudely but still accurately with "don't deliberately fuck with other people to their direct detriment and your direct benefit."

yet it happens. i see it happening. i see how other people don't see it happening. i see how other people know that it is happening but choose not to say or do anything. i see myself planning 3-5 steps ahead of these people to ensure that i and others are protected. there is an inherent dishonesty about these sort of shadow manipulations and points to deeper game that is being played that many are not aware of.

i am pretty angry about having to play defense in this game of shadows. i feel like i am being drawn into a game that i had no intention of playing....and perhaps....what really disturbs and angers me the that i'm not bad at it.

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