Monday, May 17, 2010

accepting comfort

it is a time like this that i realize how hard i can be on myself.

i've been feeling very worn down recently and i kept telling myself "pull your shit together. it is time to get going!"

then i realized over the weekend that i'm tired. i am physically tired from the packing, the move-related activities, cleaning, etc. which i have essentially done by myself (with the exception of the heart sister lending her much needed support the day of the move) and holding my full time job with crazy ass hours.

if someone else where to tell me this, i'd say, "yeah, of course you're tired. give yourself some time to rest." but since it is me, i'm like...."tired? what is that? power through it yo."

not to mention my arrogance at not really and truly considering the full spectrum of emotional implications of moving here. it is where i want to be and i know i made the right decision for me....but it is amazing how much shit comes up when i do things like walk around the 'loin looking for vietnamese condiments and i am literally facing where i spent my earliest years of life vs where i am now.

the 'loin vs pac heights.

while both are in the same city, they really are separate universes.

i understand why sometimes folks leave and they never visit where they came from...because it isn't an easy thing. not at all.

have i really told anyone about this while this was happening? of course not. i did my typical foodie hunter stoic hermit thing, powering through everything, thinking and feeling that the way to get through things is to keep moving...because if you keep moving then perhaps you carry the dredges of the past rather than let it paralyze you. i, of all people, have learned that you cannot run from the past. not really. but you can carry it with you to deal with later in safer moments and environments. this is one of those life lessons that i learned pretty early on and am currently understanding more about.

yet, another and separate life lesson that it is taking me a lot longer to learn that it is ok to let others comfort or take care of me.

just typing those words still make me cringe.

both externally and internally.

even though there is no one else to see it.

it is an involuntary reaction.

yet, it is true...and sometimes it doesn't have to be a big conversation about anything but it can be something as simple as being ok with loved ones, who love to fuss....just fuss, care for you, make you sunday dinner....

and drive you around in their fancy dancy car that can park itself. or sometimes it can be loved ones who quite stubbornly indicate that they are taking you out to OTD, buying you furniture, or indicating that they are helping you pay for your move....whether you like it or not.

while there is this very large extremely independent prideful part of me is screaming "i can do this by myself" (because, well, i can)....there is this smaller part of me that is whispering "they love you. it is ok to accept the comfort because don't. have. to do. everything. by. yourself."

this too is a marked difference from where i was versus where i am now.

because now, unlike that precocious stubborn driven punk ass kid, i am not alone.

sometimes i forget that.

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