Sunday, May 2, 2010

not linear

today i've been packing and throwing away stuff all day, as if i was possessed.

i suppose in a way, i am possessed....possessed by my need to make more progress.

i am a bit over half way there....i think. my office is now completely packed up. i have the kitchen, the bathroom, and my closet-stuff to deal with. i am shooting to get the majority of those things packed up tomorrow.

at the moment, i feel like i am living in two places.

last night was the first night that i crashed at my new place. there were some odd circumstances that led to my spending the night there. the first was my slot for being able to access my internet access from at&t was after 8pm. that is right....after 8pm. the second was that the heart sister had an appointment in the city on friday which led to us having plans to grab a meal and then i would set up the LAN as well as a wireless router after dinner. i was a bit worried if something went wrong with the registration and set up, i'd be at my place for a substantial amount of crashing at my place in the city for the first time.....on an airbed....courtesy of the fam. unfortunately, the fam was in various states of recovery from the stomach virus they caught. after they arrived at my place in the city and i recommended that we go to OTD on bush because i was thinking of the rice porridge...but unfortunately, i didn't think far enough ahead about this and check online (it would have been nice to have internet access at my place at that moment...this is a prime example of how reliant i've become on the internet) to see if they still served it in the evening at the bush location. i didn't realize until we got there and was seated that it wasn't on the dinner menu. alas. foiled. yet, we ended up getting a mishmash of various things and everyone nibbled on a bit of this and that.

everything was just lovely. each dish. even those among us that weren't feeling well were nibbling on things.

there was quite the mishmash of things happening over dinner as well. the noshing on some great food, talking about random things, checking in about everyone's status with their recovery, EC making declarations about wanting to eat the fish head that she named max, kiddie bathroom visits to stretch their legs, parental lessons of manners in restaurants, the general bustle of the restaurant life on a friday night around us, and i thought about how this is this is the ebb and flow of my life.

it isn't composed or stylized "just so".

there is constant is not very linear.....things are all over the place. yet, what is most important to me is that within all of the bustle that there are the connections with loved ones.....even about the little seemingly random moments of sharing over a meal....

i thought about this even more this evening when i went back and realized what sort of pictures i took last night. none of them were of things perfectly plated dishes when they arrived at the table. my camera has definitely become an extension of who i am......and i see how there are many times when my shots will tell the story of what i am feeling or thinking....even when i am not able to verbalize right away.

it is rather odd to think that i didn't really take pictures a few years ago. i suppose we find things within ourselves at the right moment. perhaps, we find these things when we need to find them and when we are open to them. i don't know if i would have really been comfortable sharing with folks (not to mention the world wide web) what my random feelings and thoughts are about things a few years ago. i needed to have some more serious heartbreak in order to obtain the confidence and comfortability i have now with being open.....because, being judged, rejected, and found lacking in anyway by some unknown or semi-known people is a drop in the bucket to being completely heartbroken. now, i'm not saying that rejection is all dandy and all...but it interesting how i don't fear getting hurt (or recovering from it) as much as i used to....and how freeing that is.

damn, i always get all super reflective and serious around midnight. it must be the combination of thinking about the day, tiredness, and winding down for the evening. well, i think it is time to go to sleep.....i have a lot of packing to finish up tomorrow.

until later dear hearts,

nite nite.

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