Monday, June 7, 2010

a mixed blessing

comfort comes in many forms. some more obvious to outsiders than others.

i had originally planned to grab a cup of hot chocolate at bittersweet and do some work at that cafe, but those plans were changed when i walked to bittersweet and realized it was empty and closed.

well, that is just sucky ducky.

this called for a change in plan. so i decided to take an earlier than normal lunch break and head on over to OTD on bush and grab some lunch at the bar. i prefer to sit at the bar when i visit OTD. after i ordered my usual jasmine tea (i do love the tea here), i perused the menu.

ahhh, what to get? the quiche (which is super yummy)?, the pho (wide noodle version - excellent broth)? one of the buns (an amazing deal at $3 a pop and just lovely)? the porridge (my stand by)? so many things to choose from. obviously, i come here a lot. i don't write about every visit.

i was having difficulty deciding what to get as everything looked good and i kept telling myself that i should get something different instead of going with usual chicken porridge and a steamed bun. the gal working the bar helped me out and made a suggestion of the prawns. another reason why i love coming here is that i've always experienced great service at this location. always. and i've been here a lot. after hearing her pitch the prawns, i decided to go with her suggestion as well as order the pickles.

odd combo? yes.

i almost ordered the porridge just so that i could have it with the pickles. pickles are not an unusual condiment with the rice porridge. yet, i decided to go with the prawns with noodles and the pickles despite the oddness of the combo. i love pickles and i suppose it is appropriate that today i pick what i want despite the seemingly incompatibility of the combo.

for a while now, i have been thinking quite a bit about attraction and how my super duper analytical brain was having difficulty understanding it.

i recently just gave up. attraction is what attraction is. really, everyone is just trying to understand and feel for what is best for them. so i give up.

giving up is a very unusual trait for super duper analytical foodie hunter whose stubbornness is quite legendary. for better or worse, usually when i want to figure something out, nothing gets in my way as my brain is looking, reviewing, and filtering the situation and my archive of data memory from literally hundreds of different angles and possibilities until what i feel/think is the appropriate/right answer that seems to become more crystalline for me. this is where the instinctual and intuitive part of me comes the end....filtering through all of the possibilities and then i go with my instincts on the the proper thread or course of action.

y'all are getting a sneak peek into my head. are you freaked out? those that love me are not surprised. actually, those that actively dislike me are probably not surprised either. i don't hide how i think. ever. it has actually been quite useful career wise. yet, i fully realize that the way my brain works is not exactly the norm and it is why i love working in strategy. many folks ask me why i don't pursue food photography full time....and well, food photography fulfills one part of me....but working in strategy also fulfills another (and much much larger) part of me. both challenge me in different ways and i am always seeking ways to ensure that i am challenged and grow.

which brings me back to the attraction bit and how sometimes what goes on with attraction is really only understood by the person/people in the relationship. much like me ordering seemly odd combo that works for me in that moment....comforting me in a way that only i can really understand....

while i was noshing through my lovely meal of many textures and sweet, savory, and tangy flavors, i thought more about a couple of conversations that happened over the weekend.

over the weekend, while i was hanging out with loved ones surrounding the wedding events, unsurprisingly the conversation of B. came up and someone mentioned how they thought that being with B. held me back, how they saw how unhappy i was, and how super fast my recovery was. while most of this was variations of stuff i had heard before, the last comment was new.

i asked them to explain a bit more about that last comment. you know, the one about my super fast recovery....because from my perspective, it hasn't been a super fast recovery.

they said that when it ended with B. that i just went forward at lightening speed toward a completely different life. he said that there was no "lingering" and that it was this straight trajectory to where i am now and how things are so much better.

to be fair, this loved one only saw the tail end of my relationship with B. which wasn't pretty and i was held back. i made the choice to hold myself back. i held myself back waiting, watching, and wondering if B. was going to pick himself back up and regain the self-esteem that he lost. if he was going to be return to being the person he used to be during the first four years of our relationship. the decline wasn't immediate but i knew that i had been seriously waiting for well over a year by the time that this loved one entered my life.

from my perspective, i supported B. through the difficult times but at the end of the day, B. would have to make the decisions to get himself out of his alcoholic daze and take responsibility for himself and his actions. so i waited. i did this because i thought this is what you do when you are married. you know, "compromise". some times are good. some times are not so good. sometimes each of you grows at a separate pace. sometimes each of you may go through difficult times at a separate pace. when you are in it for the long haul, every day is a re-commitment.

it really is.

this is no joke.

so from my perspective, B. hung in there for me with my emotional awkwardness and in many ways, was the stereotypical "girl" of our relationship for a couple of years. he was (and probably still is) emotionally driven. he was extremely attentive, adored me, loved me, and didn't give a flying fuck who knew how he felt about it.

this is why it hurt so much when it all changed. (gasp! see! i admitted that i was hurt! that i cared enough to be hurt! i would have never done that 10+ years ago. hello emotional growth. how are you doing?)

so while from the loved one's perspective, my trajectory toward changing my life and "not looking back" seems to point to fast recovery. from my perspective, the fact that i leaped forward so much and so quickly was actually indicative of how much it hurt. ok, i have to be honest here. it was also because i have MASSIVE amounts of P-R-I-D-E too. i had to prove to myself that my life would be better without him in it, because...well, i really didn't give myself a choice. it was just going to be better and i focused on that end goal with all of my anal super driven not insignificant foodie hunter brain power. this is a survival skill.

"you are really good at it" said the loved one towards the end of the regards to cutting ties, covering my tracks, and moving on.

while i know that this loved one mentioned this because he loves me, cares about and for me, only wants the best for me, and is glad that i am now longer holding myself back, there is this part of me that wonders whether i should be less "good at it".

it is, like many things, a mixed blessing....and sometimes i'm really good at things that i don't like.

No comments: