Tuesday, June 1, 2010

permission to say good bye

i am tired.

i am tired from the move. i am tired from work. i am tired from the recent travel adventures.

as i look toward the future with these tired eyes, heart, and mind, certain things become a bit more crystalline sharp and many pity those that become the focus of this particular gaze. i become a bit more brutal in my bluntness than usual....and the receiver of this focus can be someone else or myself.

naturally, the potential subjects of such focus are not exactly small topics. for example, i have been thinking about what it means to say good bye.

this has been a theme that has been on my mind quite a bit for quite a while. i just haven't spoken or written "aloud" about it until now. it was particularly on my mind the other day when i dropped of the keys to my berkeley apartment. interestingly enough, where did i choose to go for my last visit or my "good bye" to berkeley as a resident? it wasn't any place fancy or even organic or even sold local products....i chose oscar's.

why did i choose oscar's?

because it is probably the one place in berkeley that i have been to the most during all of the years i spent at berkeley....whether at university, the years immediately following university, and when i recently returned. it was the one place that i went to consistently throughout major changes in my life and throughout the journey i took to be who i am today. it seemed appropriate to go there for my "good bye". just one part of closure on that part of my life. i sense that finding closure has been a consistent theme throughout my life these days.

for better or worse, if i don't make promises to be there in the future, it is probably because i am planning my exit strategy. if i do not make any future statements with you in it, it is probably because i do not foresee myself being a part of your future. there are times for declarative statements where "i have no intention of speaking or seeing you again" are used...which i have used very sparingly. i am definitely not one of those that say scream "go away" and then a few minutes, days, weeks, months, or even years later whisper softly "come back." yet, there are other times where more subtleties are in play... where my exit strategy is to be patient while i extract myself, slowly, with a minimal amount of drama. for better or worse, i observe and identify when i do this, when others do this, and when others view me doing this.

i am not hiding that i am doing this. it is there for you to see.

sometimes, i'll watch through tired eyes and a weary heart, as you try to find reasons for me to stay.

it is then that i hear myself silently whisper in my mind "i don't believe you."

then i'll realize that despite being stubborn to a fault and typically striving to never "quit" that i'm already gone.

it means you have lost me....and i say this without malice...it is too late.

it means that i've already given myself permission to say good bye and i'm just waiting for you to realize it as well. because you know it too. really you do. don't you? yes, you do.

yet, i know i will land on my feet and it makes me sad to realize, that i no longer care whether you do.

you need to let me go.

No comments: