Tuesday, June 15, 2010

who i will be

the first time i returned to the 'loin after moving into my new place in the city, i found it to be a supremely uncomfortably emotionally loaded experience. as a child, i left the 'loin with some rather layered memories...the majority of them not exactly positive. i don't like being poor. i just don't. a large motivation for me moving through school so quickly and getting a capital J - capital O - and - capital B as soon as possible was because i had no intention of ever being poor again. ever ever ever. i wanted my not being poor to be a direct result of using my brain and working hard. i have worked hard....very hard over the years to avoid ever being in that space ever again.

for someone who can be so smart about some things i can be quite stupid about others. i mean, duh, of course there was going to be some emotional reactions to returning to the 'loin....but i didn't even consider that it would have an impact upon me. yet, it did. as i have mentioned previously in this blog, i understand why some people decide never to return to where they came from.

it is unpleasant to be reminded of not-so-great memories. it is unpleasant to remember what it is like to be hungry. it is unpleasant to remember how normal it was to be around violence, crime, drugs, and an invisible yet binding stench that becomes integrated into your skin. it is unpleasant to think about how under different circumstances and different choices, you may have remained there.....or that you may return there....because you have no other place to go.

lets be honest here.

it is fear. it is my fear.

once i realized that it was fear and and why being in the 'loin made me so uncomfortable, i decided to keep going back....because, for me, once i actualized that this was my fear, i knew that i needed to confront it. immediately. on a continuous basis. i made myself go to different markets, to different restaurants (such as this one where i grabbed some pho)

as well as walk different paths in and out of the 'loin.

my objective was to create new memories, look at the 'loin through adult eyes, and remind myself, that who i am today is not the powerless child i once was....and that i have made very different and difficult choices to ensure that my life would be different. i needed to walk through the streets of the 'loin fully present, my head held high, and fully own that this is where i started my life. it is one aspect of my life that shaped who i am. yet, the choices i made after i left continues to shape who i am and will be.

a place does not decide who i will be.

i decide who i will be.

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