Friday, July 2, 2010

roads of remembrance

i am obviously exhausted.

exhaustion is one of those things that remove inhibitions and barriers. when i am exhausted, i become even more blunt and direct. sometimes this is a good thing. sometimes this is a bad thing. for example, continuing to send emails after midnight to colleagues when already exhausted and travel weary is not a good thing. the diplomatic filter is a bit faulty at this point. it also doesn't help when the emails keep popping up as the uk is just starting their day when yours hasn't quite ended yet. then you take a "nap" and it all starts over again.

after i finished up my project related to my denver trip, i decided that i needed to take my weary self over to humphry slocombe for some ice cream before i met up with a loved one for an adult beverage. i desired some comfort and i knew the creamy confections from humphry slocombe would provide it. going to humphry slocombe for ice cream has become a ritual for signals coming home. it is a place that i consistently visit when i return back to the bay from some random trip and i know that should i move from the bay area, it will probably be the one place i would miss the

as i stepped up to the counter, i knew exactly what i wanted. it was going to be classics for me today.....a scoop of secret breakfast and a scoop of mcevoy olive oil ice cream.....with the mcevoy olive oil on top.

both amongst my fave flavors at humphry slocome.

from the first taste of the subtle fruity creaminess, i started to feel a wee bit less weary and thought it was about time to address one of the reasons why i haven't settled into my apartment yet. i know that is a bit like kicking myself while i am already down, but i think we've already established that i am the most brutal with myself.

as i slowly whittled through the creamy comfort, it seemed to provide a much needed balm...soothing the way for me to address something that has been bothering me for a while.

there is still this part of me that can hardly believe i am in the city and living where i am living. i look out my window and i see the bay. there is also the fascinating experience of seeing the pause, the processing, and the speculation that happens when i respond to the question: "where in the city do you live?". as i see them processing, part of me wants to say aloud "yeah, it is confusing isn't it? you're wondering a) if my parents are rich b) am i a kept woman c) what sort of job i have or d) some combination thereof. it would even be more weird if you knew that i started my early years of my life in the 'loin."

rationally, i understand how hard i've worked to arrive where i am.....and how i have been incredibly fortunate to have different sorts of mentors that have been able to see potential in me that i didn't see in myself. yet, there are moments, like this when i am exhausted, weary, and the barriers are all down....that i wonder if i really should be here....and why i am here....when jeff, aren't. he had all of the potential to be in a place like this. yet, he is not.

it seems rather unfair. unjust. unfortunate.

i miss you jeff.

i wish you were here.

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