Sunday, August 15, 2010

hit the road

this evening i decided to make a journey to the heart of darkness....and trek to fisherman's wharf to grab a burger at in-and-out. the only one in san francisco. despite being the only one in san francisco, i hadn't been to that location before this evening. i remember years ago when i used to work by levi's strauss plaza, there would be groups of people that would make the walk down the embarcadero, swifty enter into fisherman's wharf, get it togo, and eat their burger wares along the water away from the wharf....but i never went. i never wanted it enough to go to the land of polartec fleece, kitchy seafood joints, the smell of stale beer and piss, as well as the meandering tourists upon tourists and more tourists. did i mention the tourists?

also, it was because B and i were still together during that time and when either one of us had a hankering, we'd hit up the one in daly city.

i had completely forgotten that there was an in-and-out in the city until a food friend and fellow bay area raised brat reminded me while we were riding the 47 how in-and-out was only a couple of blocks from a 47 stop. my snotty and snobby response was along the lines of avoiding "the wharf" whenever possible. his practical and dry response was how it was worth walking a couple of blocks in the wharf for one of their burgers...especially since the stop was so close.

so this evening i decided to hop on the 47 and venture forth into tourist land. i got off at the jones + north point stop and walked the couple of blocks into the bustling joint that, of course, had to be next door to a hooter's for gad's sake. i went during a relatively "off" hour, so in-and-out was busy but not crazy ass busy. unsurprisingly, there was no seating available inside.

once i picked up my order, i decided to grab a seat outside which had mixed was a wee bit windy and i think there were folks that may have imbibed too much from the hooter's and decided to use certain areas as a latrine. i was definitely wishing i was eating it inside a car at that moment and that wish set off a whole chain of memories.


these days, i don't fight these sort of memories anymore.

i just let them come, visit, say their peace, and then feel them leave. there were many an evening where B. and i would be chowing down on burgers in various vehicles early on in our relationship when we didn't have a lot of money coming in.....when eating in-and-out was a treat....where we would eat, talk, half listening to npr in the background, before heading out to go see a movie.

in a way i wasn't surprised that these memories arrived.

on friday, i my deliciously wicked godfather treated me to a dinner at anchor and hope....and while we were playing catch up, i let him know with a rather toothy grin of delight that B no longer lives in san francisco.

LKB mentioned to me that through linkedin, she had found out that B moved to charlotte, north carolina. in many ways, it was a relief to know that he no longer lives in the city. perhaps subconsciously, this is why i found myself going to fisherman's wharf to visit in-and-out. it is rather unusual for me to have a hankering to go here.....if i want to have a burger, there are many other places to grab a great burger in the city....places that are decidedly not in fisherman's wharf.

during that dinner last friday, my deliciously wicked godfather mentioned again how my life has changed so much now that B. and i are no longer much happier i seem. this is true. it has been about three years now since the marriage ended. alas, just when i think there could be nothing left to process, along comes something like eating a burger to bring up something else. i don't have regrets anymore about the years i spent with B. these days, i can recall how much i loved him and how much he loved me without any pain or wistfulness.

i do feel more than slightly vindicated with his move though. i wish i could say that i'm this angelic person filled with uber zen-like forgiveness-yadda-yadda-yadda.... but i'm not that person. instead, i'm the person that is saying "ha ha ha can't blame me for keeping you in the bay area anymore.....time to suck it up and be responsible for your own damn self". yup, decidedly not zen budda like. it was solely his decision to stay in the city for years after we ended....also, can't blame me for keeping him away from living in some po-dunk beach look where he ended up.....a place that is 3 hours away from water.

there is poetic justice in this move of his. quite.

maybe he'll figure his shit out someday. yet, i no longer feel guilty that i'm glad that i won't be there to see it if he does.

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