Sunday, September 12, 2010

balanced journey

late last week there were a few meetings that started at 6am and then before i knew it, it seemed to be 6pm. on friday, as i knew that i would be working on a couple of things over the weekend, i needed to really step away. so i took a breakfast break about 10am at OTD on bush and had their rolled omelet with shallot butter, their homemade pate, and a baguette (see top pic).

then i decided to take off at 3:30 to end the day with a trip to the sf moma. once i arrived at the moma, i decided to go to bluebottle on the rooftop, relax, sip an iced coffee, and sketch.

once upon a time....years would have bugged me to let you, dear reader, know how much i suck at sketching, but not these days. these days i realize that despite my suck-o-rama at this, it relaxes me.

i can feel how it uses a different part of my mind and like, writing, photography, and becoming another outlet where it is not about my "performance" but rather just doing something i like to do. it is good for me to find these things that force me to step away from the screen and away from the job. it is a way to maintain balance within myself.

it is always a challenge to maintain my balance.

it could be easy, too easy, for this sort of job to become my life. there is never a lack of things to do, people to talk to, meetings to attend, projects to plan for, projects to complete, blackberries to check, etc. etc. and have a very unbalanced life. then i remember that me and my obstinate itself have historically leaned toward the paths that are more difficult and often times, the paths i have chosen are ones that many that watched me tread down those paths said were "impossible", "improbable", "just not done", and yet in reality.....these things were not impossible...they were paths just not considered by most people. so they weren't really impossible.

when i was a neophyte, i often chose these sort of paths because i believed in order to change the life i was in, i had to deliberately jump into the personally unknown. my comfort as a young 'un was knowing that other lives and worlds least....exist as they were written about in the stories from library books. i used to lose myself in day dreams by looking at various maps on my walls....a not too subtle reminder that there are many paths to take. also, when i was a young 'un there was a mix of ignorance, arrogance, and the belief that nothing could be as bad as it was at that time, so anything and everything could only be an improvement.

i'm shaking my head with a half smirked smile as i remember just how unwaveringly driven and single minded i was during that time. it was all about how do i get through school, get a good job, and be financially independent. i needed to prove to myself that i could do these things on my own.


there wasn't a lot of room for balance during this time. it was all about the would be career as i saw the career as my "golden ticket" for the much coveted financial independence and security. the only "frivolous" activities i allowed myself were writing and my private outlets and sanctuaries. these were the only two things that as a teenager i allowed myself to spend time on that didn't immediately feedback into "building my independence". interestingly enough, at the time, i didn't see either as creative outlets....i just knew that i loved both too much to not do. they were too much a part of who i was (and am) to even consider not doing. i just never spoke my passion for either as they were private. i suppose, now that i really think about it, this was my way of keeping balance within myself. these were the areas that i could experiment, fuck up, have do-overs, rewrite, try again....and be me.

over the past few years, i have definitely jumped into some unknown waters.....whether it be different facets of my career, pushing myself with being more "open", starting/writing this blog, and taking pictures. if i had allowed myself to be held back for fear of the potential hurt, unknown, untried, or just plain sucking at something i've never done before, i would have never have discovered so many things about myself....including my love of taking pictures. it is rather difficult for me realize that taking photographs hasn't always been a part of who i am and that it was only about 3 years ago that i really started to take pictures. it feels like it has always been there and i have difficulty remembering when it wasn't. yes, i have done and experienced some real doozies over the past couple of years....including knowingly walking (or in this case particular case...flying) into a situation and getting my heart devastatingly broken. yet, i learned just how much being honest and real about what i am feeling doesn't have to be a weakness...despite the pain. i am still here and i am still me.

i have been thinking about this quite a bit recently as right before i saw LKB over labor day weekend, we had a rather intense conversation and one of the things she said to me was how "you never take the easy path.". i had honestly never really pondered that very much from a "bigger picture" perspective. i am just doing my thing and taking the paths that i think are best for me. i didn't realize how true LKB's statement was until i actually looked back at some major choices i've made over the past couple of decades.....when i knew i was at a cross road.....and the path i had chosen for myself was not the "easy" or "safe" one. in fact, i often took the path that i was the most fearful of. there is a part of me that thinks i must be a glutton for punishment. yet, there is this other part of me that realizes in my quest for balance.....that path is never the "easy" one.


Chelsea said...

your sketches definitely don't suck!

foodie hunter said...

awww. thanks chelsea!