Monday, September 27, 2010

meddling

hey you.

it is sometime after 2am as i write this..... i've just finished off some things for work, sent them off, and am attempting to wind down for the "evening." while today was a getting-work-stuff-done sort of sunday, i took a break to take a walk and grab some vietnamese food in the 'loin. i tried walking a different route this time and it rather fascinating to see the differences on foot. you know you have arrived into the 'loin. the streets within a couple of blocks become remarkably more dirty, the stale piss smell becomes more prominent (especially in today's hot-for-san-francisco-weather), you notice that the number of crazy crackheads have also markedly increased, you'll notice the playground is literally right across the street from a porn theatre, you also notice that the assessing looks you receive from other members on the street ......evaluating whether or not you are a tourist...or whether you are aware you are being assessed for the potential value on your person. i've learned not to scurry or fold into myself when i walk around the 'loin. almost subconsciously, i can feel my chin jutting outwards as i feel a calm awareness settle over me and while i maneuver accordingly to avoid the more tenuous situations. i have a rather complicated relationship with this 'hood. it is unlikely to be resolved in any nice little box or package anytime soon.

yet, still i return.

i settled into one of the restaurants near this market i like to visit and order the goi cuon, bun bo hue, and a lemonade. the goi cuon and lemonade arrive very quickly and both are fresh...


as i'm looking out on the street, nibbling on the goi cuon, i recall the news i received on friday, and one of the things i did afterward....that i didn't write about.

see, i have this thing......this non-interference thing....this i-don't-actively-meddle-in-people's-lives-thing.

see....since i was a little kid....i discovered that my brain is well mapped for seeing potential outcomes of multiple situations very quickly. a strength of mine is being able to look at a situation and with a mix of objectiveness and intuition and predict many possible outcomes. i can quickly identify the possible avenues of where people can go...as people....what their strengths/weaknesses are....what their potential is....what they need in order to reach different potential....and how to communicate it in such a way that they "hear" it. i can also do this with companies, markets, etc. etc. and this is one of the reasons why i have the job i have now. it is why i have found myself dragged (kicking and screaming) into managing people and teams. just because you know how to do something well doesn't mean you want to do it....like to do it.....or should do it.

i'm certain that those who read me regularly will already know about this....as it is one the reasons why i am always thinking about how to support my very independent loved ones. i don't seek to interfere with or influence their decisions. once they make their own decisions, no matter what it is, i will support them in what they want to do. even when i don't agree...because...it isn't about me and what i want....it is about them and what they want. i don't say anything even when i see potential for challenges for the paths they have chosen.....for we all need to experience the challenges........we all need to fall down....if not to understand and truly know that we can get back up. i will only state what i think or what i see the potential outcomes are...if they ask very directly....if they don't ask, then i don't volunteer.

there are a few of my loved ones that thoroughly unequivocally disagree with this "thing" of mine and are not afraid to voice this opinion quite loudly and quite often. some feel that i "have a responsibility" (their words...not mine) to make a difference. others feel that "not everyone is as introspective and reflective about their own potential so you would actually be helping them if you actually interfered". the kicker comment i've gotten is "some people think you don't care if you don't interfere". when i heard that comment for the first time, i felt like i had been smacked....as it isn't because i don't care....actually, it is because i do....because i love them for who they "are"....not for who i think they "could" or "should" be. they decide who they are and who they will be....with no interference from me.

hence, my "no meddling" thing.

but on friday, after i got the news about someone's love with the tumor, i broke the "no meddling" rule thing.

i was thinking about it quite a bit as i made my way through the bun bo hue today.....


i totally meddled with a loved one. i prefaced it with admitting that i was breaking my "no interference" thing and knew i was being meddlesome, but that i really believe they should take a certain action....like right now and why i thought they should take that action. i'm not going to tell you, dear reader, exactly what i said because i want to protect this loved one's privacy. the point i am trying to make is that i, unprompted and unasked, stated what i think this person should do knowing full well that it was a sensitive subject and the likelihood of them wanting to tell me to fuck off was quite high.

this loved one is just as prideful, independent, and rebellious as i am ...particularly when someone tries to tell us what to do. they are also, ironically enough, one of the loved ones that think i should be meddlesome. yet, i have a feeling that they meant for other people and that i not actually include them

be careful what you wish for, huh?

to their credit, they didn't immediately tell me to fuck off, but i could almost hear their sigh....and indicated...yeah, that they need to do that.

this isn't a closed topic of course. they know that i will be nagging them about this. that is another thing, since when do i nag? i guess now i do.

i don't think that i'm going to make this a habit....and despite the conflict about it....it feels like the right thing to do.

i suppose we'll see if it was.

well, i think it is time for bed.

thanks for listening....

xxxooo

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