Monday, September 6, 2010

"all i have is my attitude"


it has been a while hasn't it?

those of you dear readers who have been with me since the very beginning probably realize what is about to come. it seems that any time i start a posting with a cup of hot beverage at home, it means that the posting is going to be pensive and not very light hearted. those of you who visit my blog for the food porn, will probably want to skip this posting altogether, and just visit my flickr page. while i haven't been writing for the blog very often over the past few weeks, i have been posting the food porn pics there on a regular basis.

at the moment, i'm lingering over my breakfast of earl grey tea and an extremely comforting duck fat pecan pie from humphry slocombe.....

thinking about the past couple of weeks. they haven't really been quiet ones. there are chaotic emotionally draining things happening at work. yet, there have been bright moments with dear loved ones.....eating together, cooking together, and laughing together....often over food.

there have also been unexpected lovely surprises like meeting or getting to know people that i have respect for what they do and finding out how with two of them....i seem to appear in their sphere when they think about my nifty stainless steel and wood travel chopsticks. there was also the nice surprise of being asked by la cocina to donate my sf street food fest pics for their archives. of course i said yes....i think what they are doing is important and wanting to support them is one of the reasons why i took the pics in the first place. despite the familial scoldings i've received from folks like my deliciously wicked godfather for doing things like giving away my pics, i fully realize that where i am in my life right now would not have been possible if not for people who found ways to support me....either directly or indirectly. some of them did it because it directly benefited them. yet, there were also a few that did it "just because" and not because they wanted anything in return. sometimes all it takes is a sincere acknowledgment or a real belief that "yes....the person can build a better life for themselves"...or "yes....what you are doing is a great thing"....that makes a real difference.

sometimes when things are challenging, it can be almost too easy to for me to fall into my ever ready attitude, cynicism, and misanthropic tendencies. i bang around in my kitchen, muttering to myself about unjustified egos (i'm good with egos...i think they are healthy....but only when you've got the goods to back up the ego), politics, and deliberately mean manipulative people. i know i am kind of a robotic overly analytical emotionally retarded asshole, but i don't go out of my way to be deliberately mean to people. on purpose. it is because of this that i get rather enraged when i see maneuverings from deliberately mean manipulative people. the smarter they are, the more pissed off i get. from my perspective, being a certain level of smart is not something that anyone is something that someone happens to be born when i see certain smarty pants folks making deliberate choices to be evil, i must admit i get offended and hold them to a higher level of accountability and responsibility than i may have for other not as smart people. i get rather upset...not only because i think using your smarts to be deliberately mean is just wrong....but also because it means that to protect me and mine, i have to charge right into manipulative mix and show that ....yes, i know what they are doing, that i am just as capable to do the things that they are doing, and display certain maneuvers to ensure that those i am responsible or may care for are not collateral damage . then, in-between these ongoing skirmishes, i'll get a pat on the back for being "clever" and that is when.....dear readers...that is when i feel my heart drop to my feet. rationally, i understand why i do what i do. yet, emotionally, i am disappointed in myself.

which leads me to where i am right now....being pensive and contemplative over my cup of tea, bites of pie, and listening to "food for thought" by dionne farris on repeat. this has been one of my favorite songs since the wild seed wild flower album was released. i don't think you can get the song on itunes or download sites, but i found a recent re-interpretation of the song that she sung on youtube:

it is moments like this that i try not to fall into my cynical and misanthropic tendencies....and recall that not everyone acts out of intelligent malice.....that in fact, there is a group of extremely smart people that i am privileged to love and be loved by them....who are the antithesis of this.....and when faced with challenges they decide to be the change they wish to see in the world....rather then perpetuate mean manipulative behavior....just because they can.

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